- [upon seeing the title of the short 'Hired']
- Joel: Hey, isn't that the John Belushi biography?
- Crow T. Robot: That's not something you heard much during the Bush administration.
- Tom Servo: The sequel is 'Hired 2: Laid Off.'
- Capt. Robbins: Well, there's one nice thing about birds: They never cause anyone any trouble!
- Crow T. Robot: Yeah, tell that to Tippi Hedren!
- Joel Robinson: [imitating Bela Lugosi] And then Brian died, and he was such a good football player, and Gale Sayers was all alone in the world, and they had the same front room as "Bewitched."
- [Tom's dressed as a candy-striper]
- Tom Servo: Joel, this nurse's outfit makes me very self-conscious and embarrassed - and yet, I don't seem to mind.
- Dr. Eric Vornoff: [on Lobo] Don't worry, he's as gentle as a kitten.
- Tom Servo: Yeah, a big, bald, deranged kitten that could snap your neck like celery.
- Vornoff: Why the sudden interest in me, Professor Strowski?
- Strowski: Your experiments in atomic energy, of course.
- Joel: Well, he's an associate justice!
- Lt. Dick Craig: If she's gone to Lake Marsh, I'll take her across my knee!
- Tom Servo: [whispers] I hope she did, I hope she did, I hope she did.
- [watching two guys running around lost in the rain]
- Crow T. Robot: Hey, where the hell do we live again, Steve?
- [One of the hunters from the beginning of the movie is shooting at the unseen octopus strangling the other hunter]
- Crow T. Robot: [as Hunter #1] Embrace death, Roy!
- [the short's title screen appears: "Chevrolet presents: HIRED!"]
- Crow T. Robot: [referring to George H.W. Bush] Well, that's something you didn't hear much during the Bush administration.
- [after speaking with Jimmy, Mr. Warren prepares some paperwork with concern]
- Tom Servo: [as Warren] Hmm. I didn't know he had a prison record. Says here he's wanted in Idaho.
- Joel Robinson: [as Warren] Hmm? What in the *world*? "Assault with a deadly weapon"?
- Crow T. Robot: [as Warren] A.K.A., the "Pantsless Salesman"? Or the "Piddling Peddler"?
- [after being tied up and turned into an "atomic superman", Dr. Vornoff breaks out of the leather straps that bind him to the table]
- Crow T. Robot: Oh no, now he has the strength of twenty heroin addicts!
- [last lines; Dr. Vornoff and his octopus monster go up in a nuclear blast. The good guys look on in horror and dismay]
- Capt. Robbins: [solemnly] He tampered in God's domain.
- Crow T. Robot: Oh great, the nutty birdman from Apartment 4B is gonna give us a religious insight!
- [Lobo sabotages Vornoff's machine while he is strapped down]
- Vornoff: No! No!
- Crow T. Robot: That's the waffle iron, you idiot!
- [Joel, Tom, Crow, and Gypsy sing "Hired! The Musical"]
- Tom Servo, Crow T. Robot, Gypsy: [in a whisper] He's hired. He's hired. He's hired. He's hired.
- Joel Robinson: I'm hired
- Tom Servo, Crow T. Robot, Gypsy: He's hired
- Joel Robinson: I hope I don't get fired.
- Tom Servo, Crow T. Robot, Gypsy: He's hired
- Joel Robinson: In forty years I'll be retired. But for now, I'm simply hired.
- Tom Servo, Crow T. Robot, Gypsy: He's hired. He's hired. He's hired. He's hired.
- Joel Robinson: I got a job today.
- Tom Servo, Crow T. Robot, Gypsy: He's hired.
- Joel Robinson: I'm selling Chevrolets.
- Tom Servo, Crow T. Robot, Gypsy: He's hired.
- Joel Robinson: I'm bringing home good pay.
- Tom Servo, Crow T. Robot, Gypsy: He's hired.
- Joel Robinson: I just got hired
- Tom Servo, Crow T. Robot, Gypsy: He's hired. He's hired. He's hired. He's hired. He got a job today.
- Joel Robinson: Yeah, me!
- Tom Servo, Crow T. Robot, Gypsy: He's selling Chevrolets.
- Joel Robinson: We're gonna get awnings.
- Tom Servo, Crow T. Robot, Gypsy: He's bringing home good pay.
- Joel Robinson: Maybe even dessert.
- [at same time with bots next line]
- Joel Robinson: I just got hired.
- Tom Servo, Crow T. Robot, Gypsy: He just got hired.
- Joel Robinson: [singing] I was wondering if you'd like to see my...
- Gypsy: No!
- Joel Robinson: [singing] But I really think you should see my...
- Crow T. Robot: No!
- Joel Robinson: [singing] It's got a lovely...
- Gypsy: No!
- Joel Robinson: [singing] And if only you would...
- Crow T. Robot: No!
- Tom Servo, Crow T. Robot, Gypsy: Can't you see we're trying to tell you no!