The Simpsons (TV Series)

Homer the Heretic (1992)

Dan Castellaneta: Homer Simpson, KBBL DJ #1, Churchgoer, Groundskeeper Willie, Curly, Krusty the Klown, Santa's Little Helper, Barney Gumble, Benjamin Franklin

Photos 

Quotes 

• Reverend Lovejoy : Homer, I'd like you to remember Matthew 7:26. "The foolish man who built his house upon the sand."

  Homer : [pointing a finger]  And you remember

  [thinks] 

  Homer : Matthew... 21:17.

  Reverend Lovejoy : [confused]  "And he left them and went out of the city, into Bethany, and he lodged there?"

  Homer : Yeah. Think about it.

• Homer : Lord, I have to ask you something: What's the meaning of life?

  God : Oh Homer, I can't tell you that! You'll find out when you die.

  Homer : But I can't wait that long!

  God : You can't wait six months?

• Homer : [In bed]  Ah. I'm just a big, toasty cinnamon bun. I never want to leave this bed. Uh oh. Gotta take a whiz. Think, man, think. Think, think, think! I better get up.

  [Homer is in the bathroom, urinating] 

  Homer : I'm whizzing with the door open and I love it!

  [Homer is in the shower] 

  Homer : [singing]  Why, oh, why! Delight!

  [washes his face] 

  Homer : [He turns on the radio in the shower] 

  KBBL DJ #1 : It's eleven KBBL degrees below zero. I hope you're someplace warm.

  Homer : You bet your sweet...

  [looks around] 

  Homer : ... ass!

  [laughs] 

• Homer Simpson : I'm not a bad guy! I work hard, and I love my kids. So why should I spend half my Sunday hearing about how I'm going to hell?

• Marge : I have a responsibility to raise these children right and, unless you change, I'll have to tell them their father is... well, wicked.

  Homer : [to Lisa and Bart]  Kids, let me tell you about another so-called wicked guy. He had long hair, and some wild ideas, and he didn't always do what other people thought was right. And that man's name was...

  [thinks] 

  Homer : I forget. But the point is...

  [thinks] 

  Homer : I forget that, too.

  [to Marge] 

  Homer : Marge, you know who I'm talking about! He used to drive that blue car.

• [Homer pooh-poohs churchgoing] 

  Marge : Don't make me choose between my man and my God, because you just can't win.

  Homer : There you go again, always taking someone else's side. Flanders, the water department, God...

• Homer : [watching "The Three Stooges" on TV]  Moe is their leader.

• Homer : [dozing while the fire spreads]  Marge, turn down the heat?

  [pause, nothing happens] 

  Homer : That's better!

• Homer : Ah, another beautiful day in the womb.

• Homer : What's the big deal about going to some building every Sunday?... and what if we've picked the wrong religion? Every week we're just making god madder and madder.

• Homer : [phones work from Moe's bar]  Hello work. I won't be in tomorrow. Religious holiday. The holiday of...

  [sees a sign on the wall] 

  Homer : maximum occupancy.

  Moe Syzlack. : Pretty slick.

  Homer : You should join my religion Moe. It's great. No Heaven. No Hell.

  Moe Syzlack. : Sorry Homer.

  [lifts his hands which are covered in band-aids and bites] 

  Moe Syzlack. : I was born a snake-handler, and I'll die a snake-handler.

• Marge : Get up, Homer. It's time for church.

  Homer : I don't want to go.

  Marge : It's church. You have to go.

  Homer : Too cold out!

  [We see outside the window. It is a blizzard. A polar bear is digging through the garbage. He pulls out a fish and leaves] 

  Marge : I'm tired of having this argument every Sunday! Get dressed!

  [She throws Homer's pants on Homer] 

  Homer : Oh! Stupid, itchy church pants!

  [Homer is downstairs, messing with his pants] 

  Homer : "One size fits all," my butt!

  Marge : Come on! We're going to be late!

  [Homer pulls up his pants. They rip] 

  Homer : Forget it. I'm not going.

  [Homer walks upstairs, revealing his posterior] 

  Marge : [Groans] 

• Marge : Homer, the Lord only asks for an hour a week.

  Homer : Well in that case, He should've made the week an hour longer. Lousy God.

• Homer : I'm sorry. I can't come in today. Religious holiday. The feast of... Maximum Occupancy.

• [doorbell rings; Homer answers the door to Krusty] 

  Krusty the Clown : Hello, I'm collecting for the Brotherhood of Jewish Clowns. Last year, tornadoes claimed the lives of seventy-five Jewish clowns. The worst incident was outside our convention in Lubbock, Texas.

  [choking up] 

  Krusty the Clown : There were floppy shoes and rainbow wigs everywhere!

  [sobs] 

  Krusty the Clown : It was terrible...!

  Homer : Wait a minute. Is this a religious thing?

  Krusty the Clown : A religious clown thing, yes.

  Homer : Sorry.

  Krusty the Clown : Well, bless you anyw...

  [Homer shuts the door on him] 

• [on Sunday, the church doors are frozen shut by the blizzard outside; as the congregation waits, Willie applies a blowtorch] 

  Reverend Lovejoy : How's it going, Willie?

  Groundskeeper Willie : Miracles are your department, Reverend!