- Marcia Brady: [imitating a ghost voice, speaking from a tape recorder inside an old trunk in the attic] I feel warm, very warm. Air! I must have air! Let me out, I must get out! I'm burning up! I've got to get out. I must have air! Give me air! Ohhh, ooooh, let me out!
- [trunk opens]
- Marcia Brady: I'm burning up. I must rise, and walk the night!
- [plastic bag floats out of trunk]
- Marcia Brady: I'm free, I'm free at last!
- Alice Nelson: I said all along it was a sucker's bet.
- Greg Brady: You said the girls were the suckers.
- Alice Nelson: Anybody who believes in a ghost is a sucker.
- Carol Brady: [after Alice destroys the bust of Mike's head because the kids scared her] Like I said, fun is fun, but if you're not careful, someone can get hurt.
- Peter Brady: We never thought it would be dad's head.
- Greg Brady: [trying to think of something that'll scare Alice] What about vampires?
- Alice Nelson: Oh vampires are a pain in the neck.
- [laughs]
- Alice Nelson: That's pretty good.
- Marcia Brady: What about werewolves?
- Alice Nelson: All bark and no bite.
- [laughs again]
- Mike Brady: [passing the boys' room] You know I think our ghosts are right in there.
- Carol Brady: Mm-hmm. All three of them.
- Marcia Brady: You know what? I bet we don't see anymore ghosts tonight.
- Jan Brady: What makes you so sure?
- Marcia Brady: I have a feeling they've all gone to sleep.
- Cindy Brady: In the attic?
- Marcia Brady: No, across the hall. Greg, Peter, and Bobby. I bet they rigged up this whole thing.
- Jan Brady: You're right. They're always playing tricks on us.
- Cindy Brady: Those monsters! Are you sure?
- Marcia Brady: Tomorrow we'll do a little detective work and I'll bet we can prove this whole thing.
- Jan Brady: That's right. We don't have any ghosts in the house. We have three rats.
- Greg Brady: Cellophane wrapping paper. Two fish lines. They go over that beam, out the window, down to the girls' room.
- Peter Brady: Well how did they get the voice in the trunk?
- Carol Brady: [reaches in the trunk] Ah! Tape recorder.
- Marcia Brady: We ran the line down to our room and turned it on when we were ready.
- Mike Brady: Very ingenious.
- Bobby Brady: That's no fair. You tricked us.
- Marcia Brady: Well you tricked us.
- Mike Brady: Okay, everybody's even now. Joke over.
- Carol Brady: Yeah, fun is fun. But you know if you carry joking too far, somebody can end up getting hurt.
- Greg Brady: But the girls will get our allowances.
- Carol Brady: May I remind you of your famous quote: "Poorer but wiser, which is more important?"
- Greg Brady: Zapped again.
- Greg Brady: Let's get ready for Alice.
- Marcia Brady: Boy, if Mom and Dad find out...
- Jan Brady: Yeah.
- Greg Brady: No way. Alice's movie is over at 9:15. Mom and Dad won't be back till way after that.
- Marcia Brady: Alice won't tell on us.
- Greg Brady: She couldn't. Even when we get done with her, she'll be s-s-speechless.