- Moe: Plastic surgery, huh? Eh, maybe they could dynamite Mount Crapmore here and carve me a new kisser.
- Carl: Oh, I don't know. Plastic surgery might make you look good on the outside, but you still might feel bad in the inside.
- Moe: But I'd look good on the outside, right?
- Carl: Yeah, but you'd feel bad inside.
- Moe: Plastic surgery it is!
- [Dr. Velimirovic and his nurse prepare Moe, who lies on the operating table with his eyes closed, for surgery]
- Nurse: Hoo-boy, what a mug.
- Dr. Velimirovic: Yeah, you should see his genitals. Would you like to see them?
- Moe: I'm awake here.
- Moe: Hey, there's one thing I don't get though. When my face was crushed, why did it go back to my old face? I mean, shouldn't I have turned into some kind of third face that was different? I mean, it don't make no...
- [cuts to the end of the episode]
- Homer: Moe, the new Duff calendars are out! The ones with your picture.
- Moe: Oh, boy! Move over liquor license.
- [takes the license of the wall]
- Lenny: [examining the license] Hey, Moe, this license expired in 1973, and it's only good in Rhode Island... and it's signed by you!
- Moe: Yeah, yeah. I've been meaning to get that updated, uh, for this state and... real.
- [we see a ticking grandfather clock half buried in the sand on the beach, the sun is setting, and the waves crash on the shore]
- Narrator: Like the cleaning of a house... It Never Ends.
- [the theme music crescendos]
- Narrator: With Gabriella DeFarge as Gabriella St. Farge. Allegra Hamilton as Sister Bernadette and Roxy Monoxide. And as Dr. Tad Winslow... Moe Szyslak.
- Helen Morehouse: What were you thinking?
- Casting Director: Well, you said you wanted gritty. In other word... ugly.
- Helen Morehouse: I wanted Mary Ann on "Gilligan's Island" ugly, not Cornelius on "The Planet of Apes" ugly. TV ugly, not... ugly ugly.
- Moe: I didn't bring you back to life so you could make a fool of me at the club!
- Homer: [reading from a script] You don't love me! The only thing you love is your ear, nose, and throat pavilion.
- Moe: I've dedicated my life to diseases of the head holes, but the one hole I've never been able to fix is the one in my soul.
- Homer: That was amazing, Moe. I'm actually a little turned on.
- Moe: And what do you have to tell us O Angel of the Future?
- Homer: [dressed as an angel] You're going to die in a sky-diving accident.
- Moe: How tragic! Tell me more.
- Homer: Gabriella's baby shower will be invaded by terrorists... with sexy results.
- Moe: Ooh! That's unexpected. What else?
- Homer: Well, Sister Bernadette will leave the convent and start a softball team... with sexy results.
- [Moe is on a soap opera]
- Moe: Cleo, you've brought music to my heart, but this relationship can never last. I mean, I'm a doctor and you're a 5000-year-old mummy I brought back to life.
- Duff Man: The local mug who fills your mug with the drug you chug. Ohhh yeah, give it up for Moe Szyslak!