Plot

Homer tries to set Selma up with Principal Skinner, only for him to fall for Patty instead.

Selma is looking for a husband and asks Marge to help her find one; Marge in turn asks Homer to help. Homer thinks that Principal Skinner is a good prospect and plans Skinner for a setup with Selma. However, when Homer arranges for them to meet, Skinner falls for Patty instead, to everyone's chagrin.

After attending a co-worker's wedding, a depressed Selma begs Marge to help her find a man. Marge sets Homer to the task, and Homer is impressed by Principal Skinner. Homer invites Skinner to the Simpson home for dinner, but accidentally introduces him to Selma's twin, Patty.—crouchbk

Opening Credits:

Blackboard joke: I will not belch the National Anthem.

Couch gag:The family jumps onto the couch and bounces up into the air, while a roll out bed springs out, and the family lands back down.

Act One:

On a weekday morning, Barney calls and wakes up a sleeping Homer at 8:00 AM and tells him about a new all you can eat restaurant, called Greasy Joe's Bottomless Bar-B-Q Pit. An excited Homer runs downstairs to tell Marge the good news, he wants to dump the kids off with a babysitter and go on a date with her on Saturday night to the new restaurant. Marge gives her sisters, Patty and Selma a call at work, to see if they can baby sit. At the Department of Motor Vehicles, Selma answers Marges call and accepts the babysitting offer. She and Patty have plans to go to the wedding of a co-worker, Stanley Peterson, on Saturday night, but Selma tells Marge theyll leave early to watch the kids.

On Saturday at Stanley's wedding, a frowning Selma flashes back to his first day at the DMV. As Selma eats lunch alone, Stanley approaches and asks if he can sit next to her; Selma is about to say yes, but a gruff Patty rudely interrupts and steals Stanleys seat. Stanley is forced to sit with another co-worker, Martha. She turns out to be his bride-to-be, and a flash forward back to Selma at the wedding reveals, that she is wondering what might have happened if Stanley had sat next to her on that day, instead of Patty showing up. She would've been his wife with a family of her own.

Later that night, as Selma tucks Lisa into bed, Lisa asks her if she will ever get married. Selma sighs, as Lisa points out that statistics show 40 year old women struggle in finding a husband. Patty sleeps on the couch as Homer and Marge arrive back home from Greasy Joe's. Homer loosens his belt and heads off to call Barney, while Selma corners Marge and unloads her doubts about ever finding herself a man. A desperate Selma begs Marge to help her find a husband. That night in bed as Homer sleeps soundly, Marge lies awake worrying about her sister. Marge flicks on the light and wakes Homer up. She calls upon a favor that Homer owes her for making her go on vacation to St Louis, home of the Bowling Hall of Fame. She demands that Homer find Selma a husband, and lays out a list of requirements that this man must possess. Homer at first refuses due to previous problems he had from both of her sisters, but reluctantly agrees to do so at her request.

The next day at school, Mrs. Krabappel directs Bart's class in a chemistry experiment. The experiment involves sodium tetra sulfate, an herbicide. When Martin explains to Bart that herbicides kill grass, Bart suddenly gets an idea. Meanwhile, at the power plant, Homer makes his rounds in the plant and searches for a man for Selma. Homer targets and scans potential candidates, parodying The Terminator. After each scan, Homers brain displays the pros and cons of each candidate. Back at the school, in the schoolyard during recess, Principal Skinner confronts Bart, Milhouse, Richard and Lewis. He informs them that he has received a tip about a mass pencil dropping event at 2:15. As Skinner walks away, the boys are bummed that someone has squealed about their prank. Bart tells them not to worry about that prank, as he pulls out a bag of sodium tetra sulfate he had hidden in the bushes. Bart rips the bag open and begins walking around the schoolyard lawn spilling the herbicide behind him.

On lunch break, Homer stops at the Kwik-E-Mart and continues his search, scanning Apu and another customer. At the school, Skinner eats his lunch in his office when he recognizes the smell of sodium tetra sulfate emanating from outside. He fears the worst and rushes up to the top of the school bell tower to get a birds eye view of the situation. His fears are realized, as he spots Barts name spelled out in large letters, burning up the schoolyard lawn. An enraged Skinner orders him to his office after school. In Skinner's office, Bart is reamed out by him and ordered to call Homer on the phone. As his back is turned, Bart instead calls Moe's Tavern and plays a prank call, in which he asks Moe for a man named Homer Sexual. The entire bar erupts in laughter and Homer, while laughing, states that he shouldn't be looking at him. An infuriated Moe, has realized someone has prank called him, he yells back into the phone with his usual violent threats. However, Skinner has confiscated the phone from Bart, stops Moe in his tracks and demands to speak to Homer Simpson. Homer happens to actually be sitting right there at the bar and grudingly he takes the call.

Later in Skinner's office, he receives a report from Skinner on his son's recent act of vandalism. While hearing him drone on continuously about his plans to punish Bart for his misbehavior by forcing him to reseed the school lawn until it's back to normal, a bored Homer tunes him out. Suddenly, he remembers his mission and scans Skinner as a possible candidate for Selma. When his scan reveals more pros than cons, he interrupts Skinner and invites him for dinner as a way to repay him for the problems Bart has caused. Skinner accepts the invite and a scheming Homer exclaims, Excellent, just like Mr. Burns.

Act Two:

A dressed up Bart answers the door for Skinner as he arrives for dinner at the Simpson home. In the kitchen, Marge and her sisters prepare appetizers, while Homer and Skinner shoot the breeze in the living room. Selma becomes shy and doesnt want to introduce herself to him just yet, so she sends Patty out to the living room with an appetizer tray. Homer mistakenly introduces Skinner to who he thinks is Selma. That was until, she rudely berates her moronc brother-in-law that he had taken her out instead of her sister and calls him a bozo in doing so. Skinner is instantly smitten with Patty, but she shows her indifference towards him. At dinner, he is busy adoring her and pays no attention to Selma, even though she shows no interest in him. He asks her out on a date, to screen the movie Space Mutants V for the Parents Advisory Board. Patty initially declines, but Selma tells Skinner that "She'd be delighted."

In the car ride home, Patty informs her sister that she will call and cancel the date with Skinner since it's against her morals to stay true to her celibacy. However, Selma adamantly refuses to listen to her excuses and quickly insists that she goes on the date with Skinner, citing the fact that she hasn't been out on a date with a man in 25 years and knows it'll be a good opportunity for her to still have a family with him. Patty reluctantly agrees to go on the date with Skinner at Selma's request.

The next day after school, Skinner and Groundskeeper Willie oversee Bart as he reseeds the vandalized lawn. Skinner, with Patty clearly on his mind, asks Bart what kind of candy she likes, in return for his answer, cherry cordials, Skinner lets Bart off the hook and Willie is forced reseed the field himself. As Bart walks away, Willie warns him saying, "You haven't seen the last of Willie!"

At Patty and Selma's apartment, Marge helps Patty prepare for her date with Skinner. He arrives with cherry cordials, but she is less than impressed, and they head off to the Springfield Revolving Restaurant for dinner. At dinner, Patty tries to deter Skinner and turn him off to her; but when Skinner shows off his authority in berating their waiter, who isn't doing a very good job and was a former student of his, Patty becomes a little interested in him. She even laughs as Skinner reveals about his former student's standardized testing not lying to him.

A quick cut back to the Simpson home, Homer and Marge are revealed to be entertaining a depressed Selma, as she clips coupons. During that time, she admits her jealousy towards Patty being the lucky one in having a man ask her out. Even though being two minutes after Selma, she still looks younger, has skin like fine china and her boobs doesn't sag. Marge tries to cheer her up by telling her there's still a lot of men out in this world for her to have. Homer agrees, and makes a secret snide comment that some men to come withotu bait.

After dinner at Space Mutants V, Patty returns to being cold to Skinner, until something scary happens in the movie. She screams and clutches his arm. After the movie, Skinner walks her to the door of her apartment. They clearly are enjoying each other and when Patty realizes that she is having fun she quickly turns cold again, and declines his requests for another date. Skinner holds her tight and tries to steal a kiss, but she forcefully shoves him away. After Skinner falls backwards and hits the wall, Patty suddenly becomes remorseful and apologizes for what happened. She grants him another date and Skinner cheerfully accepts. Once inside the apartment, Selma confronts Patty and asks for every detail of the date, but she refuses and maintains that the date was terrible. Selma sighs as she watches Patty walks away into her bedroom.

A montage ensues: Bart continues behaving badly while Skinner looks the other way, allowing Bart and the other students to take advantage of his distraction. Selma continues sinking further into her depression as she notices Patty and Skinner go out on more dates in which they enjoy each others company. At the end of one of their dates, while he drops Patty off, she eavesdrops on the two and witnesses them kiss. Inside the apartment, a depressed Selma turns away from the scene and shakes her head as she realizes another man has slipped through her fingers.

Act Three:

Skinner walks the school grounds, which have become a disaster area where the kids seem to own the school, because of his constant preoccupation of Patty. Skinner happens upon Bart who is busy spraying graffiti on the outside of the school. When Martin Prince informs him to Bart's vandalism of a stick figure with breasts. Skinner is oblivious to his defamation and only sees Patty's face as she winks at him. Instead of disciplining Bart, like Martin hoped, he tells him that he is going to ask her to marry him.

Later, at Moe's, a guilty and depressed Homer sits at the bar and explains to him that he still has to find a date for Selma or Marge will not be happy with him. Barney overhears the conversation and pipes up, telling Homer that he will go out on a date with her. Meanwhile, Skinner takes Bart along with him to pick out an engagement ring for Patty. Bart and the salesman advice Skinner on the most expensive ring and he decides to buy it.

Later at home, a depressed Selma, glumly sits in the living room and overhears Homer and Marge in the kitchen arguing about whether or not Barney is good enough for her. Homer insits that Barney can sober up in time to date her and be romantic towards her. However, Marge disagrees with him, citing that Barney is a class A drunk and she refuses to let him date her sister. She demands that Homer finds another man more suitable for Selma. Just then, Bart walks into the room and Selma asks him to talk to her, in an effort to cheer her up. She asks him how school is going and Bart promptly tells her that Skinner is going to ask Patty to marry him. Selma does not like what she has just heard and in trying to forget about it, she heads into the kitchen to accept the date with Barney. Homer is happy about it, but Marge is dismayed since she feels that he's still no good for her.

At Patty and Selmas apartment, Homer and Marge support Selma as she readies for her date with Barney. The doorbell rings and it is a drunken and disheveled Barney at the door. As Selma and Barney head out for their date, Patty looks on and feels sad for her sister. Later at the school, Patty has her own date with Skinner.

Skinner carries a blindfolded Patty up to the top of the bell tower. When she is allowed to remove her blindfold she sees, Marry Me Patty, burned into the schoolyard lawn with tetra sulfate. When Skinner presents Patty with the ring, she confesses to him that she cant marry him, because her relationship with her sister is even more important. Skinner is devastated and stays at the school as Patty drives off alone. Skinner cries alone on the front steps of the school, but when he looks up and sees the school sign that says, Bart Simpson, Owner and Proprietor. Skinner becomes filled with resolve and vows to take back the school.

At Moe's, Barney tries to talk to an uninterested Selma, when Patty enters and explains that she broke up with Skinner, so that the two sisters could be together again. Selma is relieved and the two leave Barney at the bar alone. Barney quickly recovers from the rejection though, with another pitcher of beer.

The next day at school, a grumbling Bart reseeds the schoolyard lawn, while Skinner watches, basking in a lounge chair with some lemonade. Willie also supervises Bart and shakes his fist at him saying, I told you , I'd be back!