My Family (TV Series)

Desperately Squeaking Susan (2002)

Zoë Wanamaker: Susan Harper

Photos 

Quotes 

• [about Nick] 

  Susan : I didn't give him cash.

  Ben : Good!

  Susan : I gave him your bank card.

• Susan : Sometimes, I wish we'd had another girl.

  Ben : What, like a spare, in case one of them gets mislaid?

• Susan : I thought you were going to wear your white linen suit.

  Ben : I can't find it.

  Ben : Probably with your smile.

• [first lines] 

  Susan : I'm worried about Nick.

  Ben : Too late for Nick. Maybe you should worry about Michael.

  Susan : I sent him out to buy some Brie for my strawberries au gratin.

  Ben : Isn't that potatoes au gratin?

  Susan : That's a side dish; this is dessert.

• Susan : You're not good with pets. Remember the goldfish incident?

  Nick : I was six.

  Susan : You put Alka-Seltzer in his bowl.

  Nick : I thought he'd like a jacuzzi.

• Susan : You're nothing like any of *your* children.

  Ben : That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.

• [last lines] 

  Susan : Nick! Where's Michael? I'm sure he'd like to keep me company at the hairdresser's.

  Nick : Sorry, haven't seen him.

  [Nick runs a sword through a large cardboard box] 

  Michael : Ow!

• Susan : I'm sad because somehow, now Janey's gone, the house seems somehow...

  Ben : Better?

  Susan : ...masculine.

  Ben : Ah.

  Susan : The house is full of men doing their men things. Michael with his computer. You with your soundproofing. Nick with his Action Man repair business.

  Ben : I think you're a little bit behind the times. He's a magician now.

  Susan : Oh no!

  Ben : Oh yes!

  Susan : Well, you never know, he might be good at it.

  Ben : Well, he certainly made 20 years of our life disappear.

• Susan : How about I invite a nice female friend for dinner?

  Ben : No.

  Susan : It would make me happy.

  Ben : Nnnnno.

  Susan : Oh, well, I'll just have to remain sad. Alone. With my music.

  [Plays melancholic tune on her cello] 

  Ben : You know what's really pathetic about this, Susan, is that you've already invited someone to dinner and I know you've invited someone to dinner and you know I know.

  Susan : That's what marriage is all about - not keeping secrets.

• Susan : Ah, Michael!

  Michael : Oh, no!

  Susan : [Showing him a striped top and a plain red top]  This one or this one?

  Michael : Now I know what Janey was for.

  Susan : Come on, Michael.

  Michael : Well, either.

  Susan : Michael!

  Michael : Alright, erm... that one makes your eyes look red and the stripes on that will make you look fat!

• Susan : This is why I think it would be nice to have Abi for dinner. A little oestrogen fix for mummy!

  Ben : Hah! Damn hellfire, forgot! Yeah! Wednesday night, ah! I've arranged to see some patients. Sorry.

  Susan : Oh. OK.

  Ben : Yeah, Wednesday night. That's the night you've invited Abi and I'm sorry I can't make it. Sorry. Any other night but Wednesday.

  Susan : Well, that's alright - because she's coming tonight.

  Ben : [stunned - after long pause]  You said Wednesday night!

  Susan : I did, didn't I?

• Susan : Things are looking up, then.

  Abi Harper : Yeah. That's what I thought when I came down here. Get away from the family. College. New life. New people. Same old crap.

  Susan : So, how's the course going?

  Abi Harper : Crap.

  Susan : But you must've met some nice people your age?

  Abi Harper : No, they're crap.

  Susan : And the teachers?

  Abi Harper : Crap.

  Susan : But surely you're enjoying the wild parties, the clubbing?

  Abi Harper : Not really. They're all a little bit...

  Ben : Would you like to borrow a thesaurus for this one?

• Abi Harper : I'm just a bit depressed, alright?

  Susan : No, no, we understand.

  Abi Harper : No. You've invited me out for dinner and I've ruined your whole evening.

  Ben : Oh, nonsense! There's still three hours to go! Who knows what might happen next - avalanche, tsunami...

  Susan : Divorce.

• Susan : [about Abi]  Look on the bright side - you've rekindled your relationship with your cousin's daughter.

  Ben : Yeah, I was coming to that. It was a perfectly good distant acquaintance and you turned it into a relationship. There's no going back - we've been in casualty together!

• Ben : What do you want?

  Nick : I need a woman.

  Susan : Have you tried washing your armpits?

• Ben : [about Abi]  Look, Susan, stop it! We've done our duty. We invited her around. We gave her a meal.

  Susan : A packet of Quavers from the hospital vending machine?

  Ben : OK! Right! And we took her home, we... we... we walked to the door... What do you want us to do? Tuck her in? Read her a bedtime story and...

  Susan : [On the phone]  Ben, there's no answer.

  Ben : Of course not! It's past midnight!

  Susan : She could be lying unconscious.

  Ben : So could I if you just shut up!

• Susan : I think we should drive over there and see if she's OK.

  Ben : No! Susan, go to sleep!

  Susan : I can't! I'm too tense!

  Ben : Susan, you are not driving over to Abi's place!

  Susan : No. I'm going to play my cello.

  Ben : Alright, I'll drive!

• Susan : Now, Michael, put on your second favourite shirt. We're going shopping!

  Michael : Oh, no! Not more dresses!

  Susan : No, even better - I need more shoes!

  Michael : Is my life going to be like this forever?

  Nick : Not forever. She's got to die one day.

• Ben : Tell me, this idea of asking Abi to move in - when exactly did it first occur to you?

  Susan : Well...

  Ben : Was it when you saw the state of her lodgings?

  Susan : No.

  Ben : Was it last night in casualty?

  Susan : Of course not!

  Ben : Or perhaps it was when she put her hand through the window? Or maybe... maybe it was before you even mentioned Abi to me at all?

  Susan : Well, you know what they say: when you think the trick is happening, it's already been done.