The Vicar of Dibley (TV Series)

The Easter Bunny (1996)

Gary Waldhorn: David Horton

Quotes 

• David Horton : Right, we'll start. I declare open this meeting of the Parish Council, 3 March 1996...

  [Notices that Frank is just twiddling his thumbs] 

  David Horton : Frank, are you getting this down?

  Frank Pickle : Don't worry, I'll just knock off something at the end. No one reads the minutes anyway.

• David Horton : Item 6, then.

  Geraldine Granger : [Clears her throat]  Yes. As I was saying, since it's Ash Wednesday tomorrow, I thought perhaps we could all try to give something up for Lent?

  Letitia Cropley : Like bondage, you mean?

  Geraldine Granger : Er... possibly, yes.

  [Produces a wooden collection box labelled 'LENT FINES'] 

  Geraldine Granger : And then every time we fail, we have to put a pound in this box. Like you for instance, Newitt. You *could* try to give up swearing, couldn't you?

  Owen Newitt : I *don't* swear.

  Jim Trott : No no no no... yes you do!

  Owen Newitt : I bloody do not!

  Geraldine Granger , Hugo Horton : [Pointing]  In the box, in the box!

  Owen Newitt : 'Bloody's not swearing.

  Hugo Horton : I'm afraid it is.

  Owen Newitt : Bloody, bloody isn't.

  [Geraldine and Hugo nod] 

  Owen Newitt : Bollocks. Now that *is* swearing. And 'arse'. But 'bloody's just 'bloody'. It's a useful adjective, with biblical overtones.

  [Geraldine pointedly places the box in front of him. Resigned, he stands up and points at Mrs Cropley] 

  Owen Newitt : Well, she can give up cooking garbage then - I've eaten tastier slurry than this!

  [Takes a note from his wallet and adds it to the box] 

• David Horton : Right. Fair enough, it's not a bad idea. And pray, what is Saint Geraldine giving up?

  Geraldine Granger : Well... I thought I might give up bubble bath, because I absolutely love the stuff! You know, all that lovely bubbly wubbly wubbly... up your noises, in your toesies...

  David Horton : Or... you could give up chocolate.

  Geraldine Granger : No, I don't think so. Because you see, I don't eat enough chocolate for that to really hurt me.

  [David opens Geraldine's folder to reveal a giant bar of Cadbury's Dairy Milk] 

  David Horton : Chocolate!

  Geraldine Granger : Oh, come on! You don't think I'm going to eat all this on my own, do you? This? Look, this is for... all the tiny little orphan children of the parish. Poor little mites, they're starved of love and tenderness...

  [Hugo opens a prayer book, which Geraldine has hollowed out and hidden a Crunchie Bar in] 

  David Horton : [Holding up the bar]  Chocolate!

  Geraldine Granger : OK, chocolate. Yeah, no problem.

  David Horton : [Confiscating the chocolate]  *Now* we'll see who has self control!

• David Horton : How's your little collection going, Vicar? Had to put in many pounds yourself?

  Geraldine Granger : None at all, David. Thank you very much for asking. Hoping to collect a few tonight though! Jim, I expect you'll be contributing a few?

  Jim Trott : Nope.

  Geraldine Granger : No? As in 'No no no no... yes'?

  Jim Trott : On the contrary, nope as in 'Nope'.

• Letitia Cropley : Excuse me. Mr Chairman, if I could just butt in a moment.

  David Horton : [Warmly]  Of course, Letitia - you butt in to your heart's content, my little beauty!

  Letitia Cropley : I just wondered if anyone would like to try my homemade orange juice.

  [Brings out a tray with glasses of juice] 

  Geraldine Granger : [Rubbing her hands]  Aha! What's in it, Mrs C?

  Letitia Cropley : Orange juice.

  Geraldine Granger : Yes, but anything else? No yeast, no balsamic vinegar? No urine?

  Letitia Cropley : No.

• [the villagers are trying to decide what to give up for Lent] 

  David Horton : Right. And might I venture that Frank can give up being such a pedantic old fart with the minutes?

  Frank Pickle : Good suggestion. Should I actually put 'fart', or 'F-asterisk-asterisk-T'?

• David Horton : Right. Let's begin. Item 1, the new video club. How's it coming on, Vicar?

  Geraldine Granger : Yes, well I've had some thoughts about the kind of film...

  David Horton : Oh, don't mind me. Didn't have any supper.

  [Starts eating a Mars Bar] 

  David Horton : Mmm.

  Geraldine Granger : [Distracted]  Er... yes, er... as I was saying...

  David Horton : Oh, sorry. Forgetting my manners. Anybody else like a bar?

  [Starts handing out bars of chocolate to the others] 

• Letitia Cropley : Care to try one, Mr. Chairman?

  David Horton : No thank you. I'd sooner eat my own scrotum, Mrs. Cropley.

• Geraldine Granger : What about you, David? Perhaps you could be a little bit more friendly to everyone.

  Hugo Horton : Yes, father. Everyone's fed up to the back teeth with you shouting at them all the time like... some great... big bald... shouty type person.

  [David glares at him] 

  Hugo Horton : Except for me, of course!

  Frank Pickle : He's got a point, Sir.

  David Horton : [Stiffly]  Very well, easy-peasy! Although I'd quite like to know where all this money is actually going to.

  Geraldine Granger : Well, I thought we could start a neighbourhood video club. You know, on Friday nights in the hall, for people who haven't got a video of their own.

  Jim Trott : I've got a video, but it doesn't work. I plugged it in, switched it on and nothing.

  Frank Pickle : I didn't know you even had a TV.

  Jim Trott : No, I haven't. I... I-I plugged the video into the radio instead.