The Joe Schmo Show (TV Series)

Episode #1.8 (2003)

Ralph Garman: Self, 'The Smarmy Host'

Quotes 

• Ralph Garman : Someone in this room is not who they say they are. So before we go any further, does anyone have anything they'd like to say?

  [long dramatic pause] 

  Steve 'The Hutch' Hutchinson : All right. All right, all right, all right, all right. My name's not "The Hutch." My name is... David Hornsby. And I'm an actor. I live in Los Angeles.

  Ralph Garman : Are you kidding me? You have ruined this whole show!

  David Hornsby : Well, don't blame me. Ask HIM.

  Carlos 'Kip' Calderas : Ask me WHAT?

  David Hornsby : What about him?

  Carlos 'Kip' Calderas : Wh... I don't know what you're taking about. Please.

  [Kip loses his phony accent] 

  Lance Krall : All right, I'm... I'm an actor, too. And, uh... I wasn't honest about it. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. But you know what? It's not just me and him. You know, everyone else here is, you know... Come on, guys, raise your hand if you're an actor as well. Please. I mean, come on. Let's be honest about this.

  [everyone except Matt raises their hands] 

  Matt Kennedy Gould : [stupified]  What...

  Brian Keith Etheridge : Matt, every...

  [Matt laughs insanely] 

  Matt Kennedy Gould : What is going on?! WHAT is GOING ON?!

  [William, Molly's Boyfriend and David Decker enter the room and raise their hands, too] 

• Matt Kennedy Gould : Um... you know, I just have to say while everyone's quiet, like, you know, I was gonna say this anyway when I thought you were all who you said you were. Um... You know, I went... I went to a basketball game... you know, I was having a hard time.

  [Matt chokes up] 

  Matt Kennedy Gould : And I went to a game, you know, in a bad neighborhood at home. And, you know, I just... I walked in there, and there was the casting director, you know, saying, "You wanna be on a reality TV show?" You know? And, like, of course, you all know me. I don't know you, but you know me. I'm a ham. So of course, you know, I got on the camera that day and I messed around and just have fun. And then the whirlwind began. And, um... you know, what it is... what the most amazing thing about it all is is that there's...

  [Matt weeps] 

  Matt Kennedy Gould : ...there's people out there... you know, people who saw things in me that sometimes I can't in myself, you know?

  Ralph Garman : We all saw it. We all saw it, Matt. We all saw it. You're a hell of a guy. We love you, man. We love you.

  [Kristen hugs Matt] 

  Matt Kennedy Gould : [weeping]  It's just so amazing, man. It's just so amazing. And I feel bad if I did anything to hurt anyone...

  All : No!

  Matt Kennedy Gould : I couldn't f***in' believe The Hutch won, man.

  [Everyone laughs] 

  Matt Kennedy Gould : I couldn't. I tried... I tried to be gracious about it. But I thought, this asshole, after everything, he won? Are you kidding me? I'm cool as Hell.

• [Matt is watching a video feed of the actors saying how they really feel about him.] 

  David Hornsby : Matt Kennedy Gould is a good man. You know, I... I feel like we could be friends. And, uh... I just feel like he's just an earnest guy. Matt, I apologize for any... anything we put you through. You understand. All right?

  Melissa Yvonne Lewis : He's the sweetest thing. I mean, he is the SWEETEST THING. Bless his heart. You know, that's all I... I just look at him and I'm like, Oh, my gosh. We already love you.

  Angela Dodson : I do think that you are probably one of the most amazing guys that I've ever met. And you're very cute, too. Those eyes, I could get totally lost in 'em. All I have to say is if this were a "real" reality show, you'd probably be in trouble.

  Kristen Wiig : Matt, I love you... you're an amazing person. And you've surprised everyone on this project with how big your heart is and what an amazing, genuine person you are. I just wish you the best of luck in the whole world. And I just want you to know that you deserve every great thing that's going to happen to you and to your life.

  [Kristen blows kisses.] 

  Kristen Wiig : [whispering]  I love you.

  Ralph Garman : Matt, I gotta tell you. I threw my best at you. And you never really batted an eye. You took it all in, uh... in good humor. And I was impressed by that. You kept your cool, and I appreciate that. Mostly 'cause you're bigger than me and I wouldn't want you to throw a punch.

  Nikki Davis : Matt said, "I'm not even here for the money, I just kinda wanted to come hang." And we were like, Oh, God. He is just great. He's really sweet. Really, really sweet.

  Franklin Jones : Matt's a... he's a genuine guy. You know what? You're... you're right on the path, man. You're 27. And you've done things other kids haven't done. You completed college, you started law school. And you know, you've achieved. But, uh, he really can't see that in himself, and I'd just like to tell him you know what? You're better than 95% of the youth out there, Matt. You're a good guy.

  Lance Krall : When we did that kiss the ugly frog, um, we each took our... our opportunity to sort of, within character, tell him how much we really liked him. But the words that we were using were OUR words.

  [In a highlight from the show, Matt sits in the middle of the jacuzzi with Angela, Brian, David, Franklin, Kristen, Lance and Melissa seated around him. In character, Lance talks to Matt.] 

  Carlos 'Kip' Calderas : We're all blown away by who you are, by your personality, by the choices that you're making, you're a great person. Really great person, I mean that. I really mean that. I want you to know that.

  [The highlight ends and Brian talks to us.] 

  Brian Keith Etheridge : Matt Kennedy Gould is maybe... he's top five of the nicest guys I've ever met in my life. I mean, he's... He's just a great guy. I mean, he's a wonderful, wonderful guy. And I wanna say this to Matt. Matt, you... genuinely, I'm your friend. I would be this guy's friend ANYWHERE.

  [With teary eyes, Matt watches the video feed end.] 

• [Matt is surprised to find out that he's surrounded by actors] 

  Ralph Garman : Matt?

  Matt Kennedy Gould : Are you freaking kidding?!

  Brian Keith Etheridge : Matt?

  Matt Kennedy Gould : Are you an actor?!

  Brian Keith Etheridge : Everything I told you about my life, and my family...

  Matt Kennedy Gould : What?!

  Brian Keith Etheridge : ...and me is all true.

  Matt Kennedy Gould : Get the f***... it is?

  Brian Keith Etheridge : My name... everything is true. Everything I told you.

  Matt Kennedy Gould : Are you an actor, Dude? Are you an actor? Are you an actor?

  Brian Keith Etheridge : Everything I told you...

  Matt Kennedy Gould : Hold the phone. Are you an actor? Tell me... Just say it.

  Brian Keith Etheridge : I am.

  Matt Kennedy Gould : [ecstatically flabbergasted]  What the f***... is going on?! Someone fill me in.

• Ralph Garman : Come here, come here. Come here, come here. There's something we've been meaning to tell you.

  Matt Kennedy Gould : What's that?

  Ralph Garman : The only real thing on this reality show... is you.

  Matt Kennedy Gould : [embarassed]  Oh, my God!

  [Lance cheers] 

  Ralph Garman : But that's not... that's not completely true, that's not completely true. Because the prizes are also real as well. And in fact, they're all yours.

  [The actors all cheer and applaud] 

  Matt Kennedy Gould : [excited]  I CAN'T BELIEVE IT! I CAN'T! I...

  Ralph Garman : Remember... Matt? Remember the spa vacation you gave to Dr. Pat?

  Matt Kennedy Gould : Yes.

  Ralph Garman : That's yours. Remember the trip to Tahiti that you thought you didn't win?

  Matt Kennedy Gould : Yes.

  Ralph Garman : That's yours.

  Matt Kennedy Gould : [laughing]  What?

  Ralph Garman : The flat screen TV? Yours. But finally... and certainly not least... this check... made out to you for $100,000... is yours!

  [Everyone cheers and applauds as Ralph hands Matt a giant check for $100,000] 

  Matt Kennedy Gould : [triumphantly]  OH, MY GOD! OH, MY GOD! OH, MY GOD! I CAN'T... I CAN'T BELIEVE IT!

  Ralph Garman : Matt, I think we owe you an explanation. Matt, everything... everything you experienced in this house from your housemates, to the game results, to the eviction votes... it was all very carefully planned and brought to life by these amazing ten actors and hundreds of very hardworking people. All for you. It was all for you, buddy.

  [everyone cheers wildly] 

  Matt Kennedy Gould : Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Ask me, now that where I won, where I'm gonna go.

  All : Where you gonna go?

  Matt Kennedy Gould : I'M GOING TO PITTSBURGH!

  [Everyone cheers and applauds] 

  Matt Kennedy Gould : Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

  Ralph Garman : "The Lap of Luxury..."

  Matt Kennedy Gould : This is insane!

  Ralph Garman : "The Lap of Luxury" is the world's most elaborate cover story. What it is, is you're now the star of your own TV show.

  [Everyone applauds] 

  Ralph Garman : We searched... We searched far and wide all over America to find the warmest, kindest, most genuine man we could. And that man is going to go from being the nice guy next door to TV's brightest new star. And that guy is Matt Kennedy Gould!

  [Everyone cheers as confetti falls from above] 

  Ralph Garman : The truth is... we don't even know our OWN names.

  [Everyone laughs]