- Fry: But won't that change history?
- Professor Hubert Farnsworth: [ultra sarcastic] Ohh, a lesson in not changing history from Mr. "I'm My Own Grandfather"! Let's just steal the damn dish and get out of here! Screw history!
- Dr. Zoidberg: [as a scientist is sawing at something during an autopsy] Don't cut that! I need that to speak!
- [the scientist looks at his colleague, starts sawing faster]
- President Truman: [Roswell, circa 1947] If you come in peace, surrender or be destroyed. If you're here to make war, we surrender.
- Dr. Zoidberg: Both good. The important thing is, I'm meeting new people.
- President Truman: Bushwah! Now what's your mission? Are you planning on making some kind of alien-human hybrid?
- Dr. Zoidberg: Are you coming on to me?
- President Truman: Hot crackers! I take exception to that.
- Dr. Zoidberg: [coyly] I'm not hearing a no...
- Professor Hubert Farnsworth: You mustn't interfere with the past. Don't do anything that affects anything. Unless it turns out that you were supposed to do it; in which case, for the love of God, don't not do it!
- Fry: Got it.
- Professor Hubert Farnsworth: If, for example, you were to kill your grandfather, you would cease to exist.
- Fry: [gasp] But existing is basically all I do!
- Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Above all else it is our sacred duty to preserve the past just as it is.
- [Fry walks in]
- Fry: Well, I've killed my grandfather.
- Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Whaaaaaaaa?
- Leela: Wait, if you killed your grandfather, why do you still exist?
- Fry: I don't know. Maybe God loves me.
- [Bender laughs maniacally]
- Scientist: [an autopsy on Zoidberg is taking place] Heart.
- Dr. Zoidberg: Take, I've got four of them!
- Scientist: Stomach contents: One deviled egg.
- Dr. Zoidberg: Deviled egg?
- [eats it from the tray]
- Scientist: [pause] The same deviled egg.
- Mildred: What'll you folks have today?
- Professor Hubert Farnsworth: I'll have some Soylent Green, with a slice of Soylent Orange and some Soylent coleslaw.
- Mildred: Huh?
- Leela: [whispering] It's the 20th century, Professor.
- Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Oh, right. I'll have a croque monsieur, the paella, two mutton pills, and a stein of mead.
- Leela: I'll just have a small injection of Fem-a-slim.
- Mildred: Uh, two chili dogs comin' right up.
- Professor Hubert Farnsworth: [Farnsworth, Leela and Bender react in disgust after Fry slept with Mildred] What the hell have you done, Fry?
- Fry: Relax, she can't be my grandmother. I figured it all out.
- Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Of course, she's your grandmother, you perverted dope! Look!
- Mildred: [Mildred aged drastically and is knitting] Come back to bed, dearie.
- Fry: [screams] It's impossible! I mean, if she's my grandmother, then who's my grandfather?
- Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Isn't is obvious?
- [Fry shakes his head]
- Professor Hubert Farnsworth: *YOU* are!
- Fry: Aaaah! Aaaaaah! AAAAAAAAAAH!
- Mildred: Did you say something, dearie? I'm a bit hard of hearing.
- Fry: AAAAAAAAHHHHHH!
- Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Remarkable! According to this high-precision digital chronograph, it's July 9th, 1947, which would explain why the chronograph has turned into this pin-up calendar.
- President Truman: Fellas, this visit's top secret, so no one is to know about it except the senior officers, scientists, and one conspiracy nut no one will believe.
- Leela: Well, settle in. Without a microwave, we're stuck in this time period.
- Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Oh, Lord! We'll have to endure the horrible music of the Big Bopper, and then the terrible tragedy of his death.
- Leela: Why is traffic so light around Earth?
- Professor Hubert Farnsworth: And what is this layer of ozone? That's never been there before.
- Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Well, now everything is back as it was, and if history doesn't care that our degenerate friend Fry is his own grandfather, then who are we to judge?
- Bender: Amen.
- Leela: Fry's from around this time. I'll talk like him.
- [to salesman]
- Leela: Yo, homes! We're looking for a microwave oven.
- Sears-Roebuck Salesman: Microwave? Never heard of that brand, sweetheart. What you want is the Deluxe Gas Princess. This beauty has four broilers; a casserole indicator; a fold-out ironing board; and, down here, a foot-soaking tub; since, as a woman, you'll be standing in front of it all day.
- [Leela slams oven door on salesman's knee]
- Leela: Oh, I'm sorry. Now I'll aks you again. Where is the mi-cro-wave?
- Sears-Roebuck Salesman: Sir, your wife is histerical, so I'll address this to you. This oven is lighting fast. It only takes five hours to cook a pot roast.
- Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Ooh, that's good news. You know, you don't cook enough roasts, Leela.
- [Leela turns on stove, setting the Professor's tie on fire]
- Professor Hubert Farnsworth: [to salesman] Women!
- Mildred: [on the phone] Killed? In an atomic blast? No, sir, I'm afraid I don't take much solace in the fact that the implosion trigger functioned perfectly.
- President Truman: Whistling Dixie! I want this sent to Area 51 for study.
- General: But sir, that's where we're building the fake moon landing set.
- President Truman: Then we'll have to really land on the moon. Invent NASA and tell them to get off their fannies.
- General's Assistant: General, in all my years of covering top secret discoveries with sheets, I've never dramatically revealed anything as shocking as this. Dun-dun-dun! The debris from an alien spaceship.
- Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Yes, sir, we tore the universe a new space hole. But it's clenching shut fast.
- Mildred: [on phone] Killed by an atomic blast? No, sir. I don't take any solace in the fact that the implosion trigger functioned perfectly.
- [cries]
- Fry: Aw, there, there. If it's any consolation, his body was vaporized, so there's no chance of him coming back as a zombie.
- Mildred: I'm not worried about that.
- Fry: Then you're a braver woman than I.
- Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Choke on that, causality!
- Bender: 1947 can bite my shiny, metal...
- [Head falls off ship]
- Bender: Aaaaaaaahhhh!
- Dr. Zoidberg: There... Good as new.
- Leela: Don't you need this one?
- Dr. Zoidberg: Oh, no! That's my...
- [He coughs, grasps his throat and falls]
- Dr. Zoidberg: [Rising up again] Gotcha!
- [Leela glares at Zoidberg and throws Organ away]
- General: What's your purpose here?
- Dr. Zoidberg: Alright, officer. I'll move it along.
- General's Assistant: What the general means is why'd you come to Earth?
- Dr. Zoidberg: Not a day goes by I don't ask myself the same question.