Sir Humphrey: With Trident we could obliterate the whole of Eastern Europe.
Jim Hacker: I don't want to obliterate the whole of Eastern Europe.
Sir Humphrey: It's a deterrent.
Jim Hacker: It's a bluff. I probably wouldn't use it.
Sir Humphrey: Yes, but they don't know that you probably wouldn't.
Jim Hacker: They probably do.
Sir Humphrey: Yes, they probably know that you probably wouldn't. But they can't certainly know.
Jim Hacker: They probably certainly know that I probably wouldn't.
Sir Humphrey: Yes, but even though they probably certainly know that you probably wouldn't, they don't certainly know that, although you probably wouldn't, there is no probability that you certainly would.
Sir Humphrey Appleby: Don't you believe that Great Britain should have the best?
Jim Hacker: Yes, of course.
Sir Humphrey Appleby: Very well, if you walked into a nuclear missile showroom you would buy Trident - it's lovely, it's elegant, it's beautiful. It is quite simply the best. And Britain should have the best. In the world of the nuclear missile it is the Saville Row suit, the Rolls Royce Corniche, the Château Lafitte 1945. It is the nuclear missile Harrods would sell you. What more can I say?
Jim Hacker: Only that it costs £15 billion and we don't need it.
Sir Humphrey Appleby: Well, you can say that about anything at Harrods.
Jim Hacker: Tell me, General, where is the Hot Line?
General Howard: Which one?
Jim Hacker: The one to Russia.
Bernard Woolley: The Red Hot Line, Sir.
General Howard: That's in Downing Street.
Jim Hacker: So in an emergency, I can get straight through to the Soviet President?
General Howard: Theoretically, yes.
Jim Hacker: Theoretically?
General Howard: That's what we tell journalists. In fact, we did once get through to the Kremlin, but only to a switchboard operator.
Jim Hacker: Couldn't the operator put you through?
General Howard: We never found out. He didn't seem to speak much English.
Jim Hacker: Stuff the affairs of the nation. I want a cook!
Jim Hacker: You mean the German ambassador's lunch is government business, but mine isn't?
Sir Humphrey Appleby: That is so. Not just the German ambassador's, of course, any ambassador's.
Jim Hacker: Fine. Bernard, get the diary. On Monday I'll have lunch with the German ambassador. On Tuesday, with the French ambassador; on Wednesday, with the American ambassador. Oh, mustn't leave out the Commonwealth; on Thursday I'll have lunch with the New Zealand High Commissioner. How many countries are there in the UN?
Bernard Woolley: Well 158, Prime minister.
Jim Hacker: Good. That'll take up about six months; then we'll start round again.
Bernard Woolley: Prime Minister, you're not free to have lunch with ambassadors every day. Sometimes there will be other official lunches.
Jim Hacker: Even better. We'll fill up the odd gaps.
Sir Humphrey Appleby: I think that the Foreign and Commonwealth Office might have some views on that.
Jim Hacker: Oh, why?
Sir Humphrey Appleby: Well, they always say that one Prime Minister's lunch with an ambassador destroys two years of patient diplomacy. I'm not quite sure how they'd react to 158.
Jim Hacker: You mean there's really no way that we can't not tell them?
Sir Humphrey Appleby: Open government, Prime Minister. Freedom of information. We should always tell the press freely and frankly anything that they could easily find out some other way.
Jim Hacker: You will agree that so far my premiership has been a great success.
Sir Humphrey: Oh, indeed.
Jim Hacker: Yes, and I have been asking myself: "What can I do to continue this run of success?"
Sir Humphrey: Have you considered masterly inactivity?
Jim Hacker: No, Humphrey. A Prime Minister must be firm.
Sir Humphrey: Indeed. How about *firm* masterly inactivity?
Jim Hacker: Nice to be able to reward one's old allies. Was Ron Jones pleased with his peerage?
Bernard Woolley: Oh yes, Prime Minister. He said his members would be delighted.
Jim Hacker: His members?
Bernard Woolley: Yes, the members of his union. The National Federation...
Jim Hacker: I didn't mean him. I meant our backbencher. I meant to give a peerage to Ron Jones, not Ron Jones. The hell!
Bernard Woolley: If it is any consolation, Prime Minister, I gather he was awfully pleased.
Jim Hacker: I bet he was. What are we going to do about Ron Jones's peerage. Give him one too?
Sir Humphrey: With respect, Prime Minister, we can't send two Lord Ron Jones to the Upper House. It will look like a job lot.
Jim Hacker: We got to give him something, I promised.
Sir Humphrey: Well, what is he interested in? Does he watch television?
Jim Hacker: He hasn't even got a set.
Sir Humphrey: Fine, make him a Governor of the BBC.
Sir Humphrey: I understand that were you to cancel Trident you would be met not by the President but by the *Vice* President.
Jim Hacker: The *Vice* President? The *Vice* President? But even Botswana was met by the President, I saw it on TV.
Bernard Woolley: That is why that torpedo landed on Sandwich Golf Course.
Jim Hacker: Sandwich Golf Course? I didn't read that in the paper.
Bernard Woolley: No, of course not. There was a cover-up. The members just found a new bunker on the 7th fairway the next day.
Jim Hacker: Hello darling! What's for lunch?
Annie Hacker: You tell me.
Jim Hacker: Are you going somewhere?
Annie Hacker: Voluntary services committee. I did tell you.
Jim Hacker: Just thought some scrambled eggs or something.
Annie Hacker: Oh, I think there's some eggs in the fridge.
Jim Hacker: You want me to do it?
Annie Hacker: We agreed I'd go on with my work, didn't we? It's bad enough living in this goldfish bowl anyway. Every time I want to slip out for a sliced loaf I have to walk past a dozen journalists and fifty gawping tourists. There's no privacy anywhere.
Jim Hacker: Now that's not true.
Security Guard: Excuse me, Prime Minister, security check. Could I have a look around?
Annie Hacker: Privacy?
Jim Hacker: You could always walk in the garden.
Annie Hacker: There's about fifty people staring at you from the windows, it's like exercising in a prison yard.
Jim Hacker: At least it's quiet.
[a band starts playing loudly]
Annie Hacker: Quiet? That's been going on since half past eight this morning.
Jim Hacker: They have to practise somewhere.
Annie Hacker: Why here?
Jim Hacker: Darling, they're Horseguards, that's the Horseguard's parade.
Annie Hacker: And to think we actually have to pay rent for this place. They should pay us.
Jim Hacker: Annie, you must realise that a life in public service demands some sacrifice.
Annie Hacker: Fine. You sacrifice your lunch, I'm late.
Jim Hacker: But I'm hungry. What did you have for your lunch?
Annie Hacker: Half a Yorkie bar.
Jim Hacker: Where's the other half?