- Celia Hodes: [when Isabelle steps onto the scale] You've been sneaking food.
- Isabelle Hodes: I haven't. I swear.
- Celia Hodes: Well, then congratulations. You must be pregnant.
- Nancy Botwin: [to Heylia] Let me rephrase. You sold me bullshit. Skankweed. And I can't move it, and I want a refund.
- Heylia James: And I want an ass like Beyoncé's. Ain't neither of us getting what we want.
- Nancy Botwin: [to Conrad] Thanks for talking me through this.
- Conrad Shepard: You know what? It gives me a real sense of accomplishment working with over-privileged white women.
- Celia Hodes: [to Nancy, whining] Have you ever had sex with a woman?
- Nancy Botwin: None of your business.
- Celia Hodes: Oh, come on, tell me...
- Nancy Botwin: OK. I slept with a woman in college once.
- Celia Hodes: How was it?
- Nancy Botwin: Boring.
- Celia Hodes: Well, maybe you didn't do it right.
- Nancy Botwin: She said it was the best she'd ever had.
- Celia Hodes: What are you doing Friday night?
- Doug Wilson: [about medicinal marijuana] It's like Amsterdam only you don't have to visit Anne Frank's house and pretend to be all sad and everything.
- Celia Hodes: [after Isabelle replaced Celia's diet pills with Imodium AD because of the whole laxative thing] I'm a little backed up. A lot backed up. I haven't shit in 3 days. I'm like a bloated, African, famine baby...
- Dean Hodes: Wow, could it be Newton's third law of motion or lack of motion in your case, illustrated right here in our bathroom? For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction.
- Celia Hodes: What are you talking about?
- Dean Hodes: Karma, baby!
- Celia Hodes: Fuck you and your karma.
- Dean Hodes: Fine, shit on my theory. Oh, but wait, you can't! I guess that makes me right, huh?
- Lupita: [to Nancy] Your butta don't look right.
- Nancy Botwin: It's sage.
- Lupita: Don't smell like sage.
- Nancy Botwin: Obviously your menopause has affected your sense of smell.
- Lupita: I don't a smell with my couchie.