Dean Collins: Mike Gold

Quotes 

• Mike Gold : Hey, Dad, I need you to sign this math test.

  Mike Gold : You failed?

  Dave Gold : No, my teacher just wants your autograph. He's a big fan of mid-level insurance salesmen.

• Mike Gold : Larry getting his ass beat is the best thing that's ever happened to us.

  Larry Gold : It's not the best thing that's ever happened to me.

  Mike Gold : This isn't about you.

• Mike Gold : [to Larry]  What do you mean you're coming home? You can't; it'll ruin everything.

  Larry Gold : But I hate it at Kenny's. His parents make me do chores and they don't let me eat candy or drink soda. I'd rather be hit.

• Dave Gold : All right! All right! All right! All right! That is it! Okay? Okay? Apparently, you kids have forgotten that we are the parents! Okay? So, to remind you of this, we are instituting a zero-tolerance policy, effective immediately! If anybody misses their curfew, or doesn't do their homework, or talks back, or just looks at us wrong, they're gettin' a spanking!

  [all the kids laugh at first, until they see he might not be joking] 

  Hillary Gold : Oh my God!

  Mike Gold : Are you serious?

  Dave Gold : You think this is some kinda joke? Do you? Just try me and see what happens!

  [silence] 

  Dave Gold : Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Now, who wants to mess with me first?

  [silence] 

  Dave Gold : Yeah, that's right! That's what I thought! Remember, I'm the stallion! All right? You're nothing but ponies!