- Casey: Plague. Bubonic plague.
- Shotgun Rider: You gotta be mistaken, Casey. Nobody heard of plague this far from the coast.
- Casey: Maybe she brought it with her from some place else. But I tell you, that woman in there, God rest her soul, died of Bubonic Plague. Look, I know, I've seen it many times on the waterfront in San Fransisco.
- Shotgun Rider: Well, I'm getting her out of here before this coach ain't a fitting place to ride in.
- Casey: You're going to do nothing of the kind, me Bucko. Now, look, it ain't as though we don't have respect for the dead, but we've got to think of the living too.
- Charlie Wooster: Oh, just one, Bill.
- Bill Hawks: No, I don't think so.
- Charlie Wooster: Oh, come on, please. You know, ever since the Major hid his private stock on me, I've had enough dust in my throat to plant a pack of spuds. Irish spuds.
- Casey: You'll drive to Perdition if you have to but you're not going to endanger the lives of the people of this town who, for the most part, are my own good customers.
- Patrick McClure: That settles it. I, Patrick McClure, will kill the kid.
- Charlie Wooster: I heard what you said.
- Patrick McClure: Indeed?
- Charlie Wooster: You ought to be ashamed saying anything like that.
- Patrick McClure: Like what?
- Charlie Wooster: Don't try to lie to me. I heard you say you were gonna kill the kid.
- Patrick McClure: Well, that's right. I said it.
- Charlie Wooster: You really gonna do it?
- Patrick McClure: Well, naturally, I'm the only man for the job. Everybody knows that.
- Charlie Wooster: Well, if you do that, you have to fight your way through Charlie Wooster.
- Charlie Wooster: A little baby?
- Casey: A darling little baby. Too bad it was exposed to the plague.
- Charlie Wooster: The plague?
- Casey: Yes, the plague.
- Charlie Wooster: That's bad, bad.
- Casey: BAD? It's terrible.
- Charlie Wooster: Poor Little Darling. What are you going to do with it?
- Charlie Wooster: Well, you did it again, didn't you?
- Bill Hawks: What did I do?
- Charlie Wooster: Getting so it's not safe to take you into town any more.
- Bill Hawks: [Bill is nursing a bruised eye and a cut lip from the rollicking fight in the saloon that Charlie instigated] It ain't safe? GIVE ME THOSE LINES. YAH! YAH! YAH!
- Flo: I bet they did it while that fight was going on out here. Hey, Casey, you sent me out for some medicine about that time, huh?
- Casey: What? During the fighting? You daft woman, when I was busy in defending life and limb and me property, huh.
- Flo: Just as I thought. It was that fellow from the wagon train, the one with the beard. He got me out of my room on purpose so that he could steal that baby.
- Casey: Who? Charlie Wooster? That old bewhiskered old nanny goat. Now what would he want with a baby for?
- Charlie Wooster: [In the supply wagon, Charlie empties a whole sack of flour into a barrel, a fair portion of flour settling on himself, he fashions the bag into a diaper] Shh. Now, let's see I can't remember how they did this. Hey, it suddenly comes to me. Shh. Be right there. Hey, shh. That's it... This oughta do the job, young fella. I don't know much about this but I'm willing to take a chance if you are. Say, I don't suppose you're old enough to tell me your name, are you. How about Johnny? I'll just call you Johnny, huh? On second thoughts, I guess I better call you Mary. Let's see now. Must go this way. Lift your feet up here.
- [Charlie utters all the usual baby gibberish a man musters when faced with a baby, while the wagon wanders off course and away from the train]
- Charlie Wooster: Here, what do you think of this? Right from the cow, nice and warm. Taste it. Like it, huh? I'd like to have a nice, cold beer myself. If there's anything I hate, it's hot milk right from the cow.
- Charlie Wooster: It's funny how you lose your taste for this stuff all of a sudden. Oh, what do you know about it? If it weren't for some of this same stuff, you and I would never met.
- Major Seth Adams: I just got a hunch. I wonder if he's been nipping again.
- Bill Hawks: Why do you say that?
- Major Seth Adams: I noticed in my foot locker, there's a whiskey bottle missing.
- Bill Hawks: Charlie, this is a supply wagon, not a Roman chariot. You know if you tried to race that fellow, you'd probably jerk the whole tongue out of this outfit.
- Charlie Wooster: Listen, I take care of these wagons and they're ready to roll at all times. YAH. YAH!
- Bill Hawks: Wait a minute, Ben Hur. This is not the Colosseum, it's a road into town. Now let's go the way we're supposed to.
- Charlie Wooster: Who's this Ben Hur?
- Bill Hawks: He used to drive chariots back in the Roman days.
- Charlie Wooster: You and yer book learning.
- Charlie Wooster: Say, I think you kinda like Uncle Charlie a little bit, don't you? And I begin to see why folks get married and have little babies like you. But I guess it's a little late for an old goat like me. I was always so busy trying to keep from being hogtied by some woman that I didn't know what I was missing.
- Bill Hawks: Now I know I'm dreaming this whole thing.
- Charlie Wooster: I can't take a chance on him making me take her back to Apache Flats. He might not believe that story about them trying to kill her. He might also say that I had too much to drink.
- Bill Hawks: Well, didn't ya?
- Charlie Wooster: It don't make any difference whether I did or I didn't. I know what I know. And he'd be riding me off all the way to California for bringing a plaguered baby on the train. Now you know that. Can't you just hear him?
- Bill Hawks: Yeah, I have to admit that I can.
- Charlie Wooster: I'm just trying to save a human being's life, that's all. Well, a baby's almost human, ain't it?
- Charlie Wooster: [Charlie sings his theme song] Wooster is a busy man, cooks his vittles in a pan, picks his choppers with a knife, will he ever find a wife? Now, don't you cry, Babykins, don't you holler and don't you hoot. If you cry now, Babykins, I will bang you in the soup. Don't you cry, Babykins, Little One with double chins. If you cry now, Babykins, I will kick you in the shins. I wouldn't kick you in the shins, you know that.
- [the infant lying in her basket in the back of the supply wagon chortles and gurgles throughout the song]
- Flo: Really! Well, there's one thing he can't do.
- Jim Brenton: And what might that be?
- Flo: You can't make that baby your grandson just by saying so. Because it's a GIRL.
- Jim Brenton: [He stops in his tracks, a look of wonderment washes overs his face] Girl. Well.
- Major Seth Adams: COME HERE!
- [He grabs Bill's arm and blusters in a low tone]
- Major Seth Adams: Where is that old goat?
- Bill Hawks: I don't know where he is. I'll go find him.
- Major Seth Adams: You better find him and goldarn quick. I'm gonna have to stay here with these buzzards, see that nobody takes a shot at them.
- Bill Hawks: Yessir.
- Major Seth Adams: Get moving... Well, stealing babies.
- Sheriff Matt: You mean all of those belong to one of your daughters?
- Mrs. Mercer: Every last one of them Count them. If there's more than thirteen, you can have what's left over. Ha, ha, ha.
- Sheriff Matt: One, two, three.
- Jim Brenton: Don't be a bigger fool than you already are.
- Bill Hawks: When he finds out what a fool we've made of him, man, we'd be better off having that Brenton hang us, believe me.
- Mrs. Mercer: 9, 10, 11, 12,13. Must be some mistake, Major. No extra one here.
- Jim Brenton: What kind of trick is this?
- Charlie Wooster: [Tears stream down Charlie's face] Sure, bet you're just like me, I bet you never held a baby in your arms. Go on, hold her. Take her, please.
- Major Seth Adams: Wooster, what in tarnation do you think you're doing? Cutting a new trail to California?
- Jim Brenton: Ignorance of the law is no excuse. Right Matt?
- Sheriff Matt: Absolutely right, Mr Brenton.
- Jim Brenton: And I'm no man who makes idle threats, Mr Casey. Right, Matt?
- Sheriff Matt: Absolutely right, Mr Brenton. Mr Brenton owns the bank in Coon Rapids. He's very influential.
- Casey: Is that a fact now, huh? A two year old could see that.
- Casey: Am I a doctor? Why it's plain to see, Mr Brenton, I'm a disperser of various types of refreshments.