- David Horton: This is Geraldine. She's the new vicar!
- Geraldine: Hello.
- Owen Newitt: No, she isn't!
- Geraldine: Why not?
- Owen Newitt: She's a woman!
- Geraldine: Aaah, you noticed? These are such a give-away, aren't they?
- [pointing to her breasts]
- [post credits]
- Geraldine: So there's this nun, right?
- Alice Tinker: Uh.
- Geraldine: And she's having a bath. And a knock comes on the door.
- Alice Tinker: Oh dear.
- Geraldine: Yeah, and she says, "Who is it?" and the reply comes, "It's the blind man. Can I come in?" She thinks for a minute and she says, "Yes, all right then, come in." So this chap comes in and says, "Nice tits! Where do you want me to hang the blind?"
- Alice Tinker: [long pause] Oh! He's not...
- Geraldine: No.
- Geraldine: Hello, I'm Geraldine. Believe you're expecting me.
- David Horton: No, I'm expecting our new vicar. Unless of course you are the new vicar and they've landed us with a woman
- [laughs]
- David Horton: as some sort of insane joke.
- Geraldine: Oh, dear.
- David Horton: Oh, my God!
- Geraldine: You were expecting a bloke; beard, Bible, bad breath.
- David Horton: Yes, that sort of thing.
- Geraldine: Yeah. And instead you got a babe with a bob-cut and a magnificent bosom.
- David Horton: So I see.
- [first lines]
- David Horton: [reading] "The wrath of the king was mighty and knew no bounds, and so they did leave that country and did with heavy heart return unto Japheth and unto Gad." Here ends the lesson.
- Vicar Pottle: Let us pray. Dear Lord, we ask thee to bless all the members of this thy congregation, and we especially ask you to remember the Queen, who has been having trouble with her piles again, and Mrs. Sinclair Wilson and all her family.
- [Alice whispers in Pottle's ear]
- Vicar Pottle: Mrs. Sinclair Wilson who has been having trouble with her piles again, and the Queen and all her family. Amen.
- Geraldine: Don't call me 'Ma'am' - sounds like the Queen. Lovely lady, but very odd taste in hats, don't you think, Miss Tinker?
- Alice Tinker: Yes!
- Geraldine: Yes!
- Alice Tinker: Oh, erm... you can call me Alice.
- Geraldine: Right.
- Alice Tinker: Because it's my name.
- Letitia Cropley: Uh...
- David Horton: Yes?
- Letitia Cropley: Nothing.
- Frank Pickle: Would you like that to be minuted, Mrs. Cropley?
- Letitia Cropley: Oh, yes, I suppose so.
- Frank Pickle: Excellent. "Then Mrs. Cropley said 'Nothing'".
- David Horton: Are we all here?
- Frank Pickle: Yes, perfectly.
- David Horton: Not 'can we all hear', 'are we all here'?
- David Horton: Right, I call this meeting of the Dibley parish council to order; David Horton in the chair, and Frank Pickle taking minutes.
- Frank Pickle: Shall I minute that, sir?
- David Horton: What?
- Frank Pickle: About my taking the minutes?
- David Horton: Do you normally minute it?
- Frank Pickle: Well, I like to, yes.
- David Horton: Then do it again.
- [last lines]
- Frank Pickle: It's the most people we've had in the church since that Lady Godiva thing three years ago.
- Geraldine: Oh, what was that?
- Hugo Horton: We were celebrating the summer solstice, and we thought it would be fun to re-enact Lady Godiva.
- Geraldine: [to Alice, who is unbuttoning her] No, no, no, no, no, that is my dress.
- Owen Newitt: A lot of people turned up, but unfortunately it was rather disappointing.
- Geraldine: Lady Godiva wearing a body stocking.
- Frank Pickle: No! She was absolutely stark naked.
- Geraldine: Wow.
- Letitia Cropley: Well, I hadn't had time to go to the hair-dresser, so I wasn't looking my best.
- Geraldine: I bet you were, you sauce-pot.