Nikki Cox: Tiffany Malloy

Quotes 

• [first lines] 

  Tiffany Malloy : Oh, my God, I need a copy of my poetry essay due at noon. Time?

  [a sycophant has his wristwatch at her disposal] 

  Tiffany Malloy : Thank you. Change?

  [another fanboy rushes forward with money] 

  Tiffany Malloy : Thank you.

  [goes to photostat machine] 

  Tiffany Malloy : Uh, the machine is out of paper.

  [another admirer is on standby] 

  Tiffany Malloy : Eh, must I *push the button* myself?

  [those three fall over themselves to do the deed for their crush] 

  Tiffany Malloy : Oh, I don't know *why* people say life is harsh. The nightmare is over.

  [deposits paper on teacher's desk] 

• Jack Malloy : A beautiful girl can look in the mirror and think, "Oh, my God, I've gained an ounce!" But a big, fat, cross-eyed, hairy slob of a guy could look in that same mirror and think "Stud-puppy!"

  Tiffany Malloy : So what you're saying is *you think I'm fat!*

• Jack Malloy : Good girl! You do not wanna get a bad reputation your first year at college. It will follow you your whole life. Now remember, sweetheart, in America today, you are reduced to one descriptive phrase that never changes no matter what you do. That's why Chevy Chase is still introduced as "funnyman." That's why Sharon Stone is still called "sexy." *And* that's why Michael Jackson is still called "black."

  Tiffany Malloy : Knowing I'm good isn't enough?

  Jack Malloy : It's not what you know yourself. It's what everybody else thinks. If other people don't respect you, how can you respect yourself?

  Tiffany Malloy : But, Daddy, I'm still the same me on the inside.

  Jack Malloy : No one cares about the inside. Honey, let me put it to you this way: You'd still be the same you on the inside if you were fat, wouldn't you?

  Tiffany Malloy : [gasps]  I get what you're saying, Daddy.

  [gasps again] 

  Tiffany Malloy : And you think I'm fat!

  Jack Malloy : Sweetheart, if you were fat, then Daddy wouldn't have to worry about the time guy, the quarter guy, the paper guy... and the hated how-was-your-day guy.

  [yells:] 

  Jack Malloy : And I hate that guy more than the paper guy, 'cause I *do understand him!*

• Tiffany Malloy : I hope Kimmie understands I didn't really do anything.

  Muffy : You might as well. We all think you did.

  Tiffany Malloy : Too bad you weren't on the O.J. jury.