"Two and a Half Men" Your Dismissive Attitude Toward Boobs (TV Episode 2005) - Jon Cryer as Alan Harper

Alan Harper : Incredible! I've been living here for two years and you still consider me a houseguest?

Charlie Harper : No. My houseguests bring a bottle of wine and have sex with me.

Alan Harper : Oh, sorry. I'll pop a bottle of Chardonnay and assume the position.

Charlie Harper : Don't write checks your ass can't cash, Alan.
Alan Harper : Are you equating me with termites?

Charlie Harper : Hell, no! You can get rid of termites!
Alan Harper : [about his apartment-hunting finds] Oh, Charlie, you have no idea how bad it was! I mean, I - I couldn't bring a woman to one of these places! The only way I'd ever have sex was if I were molested by a rat!
Alan Harper : [going apartment-hunting] Do you mind looking after Jake?

Charlie Harper : If it'll help get you out of here, I'll breastfeed him!
Alan Harper : I'd rather be a second-class citizen here in paradise, than king of a urine-soaked firetrap next to Burbank Airport!
Alan Harper : She needed a place to stay for a couple of days. What would you have said?

Charlie Harper : I would have sat her down and explained my sincere belief that there are boundaries between employer and employee which exist specifically to protect said employer from accidentally seeing the employee prancing around in her big, cotton, granny panties!
Alan Harper : You know what the pecking order is in this house? Charlie... women Charlie sleeps with... Charlie's bookie... women Charlie hopes to sleep with... termites... *me*!

Jon Cryer: Alan Harper