- Berta: [large-breasted, scary housekeeper talks sternly to Jake] So. You like making fun of girls with big boobs.
- Jake Harper: [looking pale] Not any more.
- Mrs. Schmidt: What the hell is wrong with you?
- Alan Harper: I don't know...
- [pause]
- Alan Harper: I was a bottle baby.
- Charlie Harper: ["babysitting" Alan's office for a few hours] Don't worry about a thing. It's under control. You can count on me.
- Alan Harper: Oh, if I could believe even one of those things.
- Alan Harper: The office opens at eight.
- Charlie Harper: [shocked] O'clock?
- Alan Harper: [sarcastically] No, degrees.
- Mr. Malinkovich: Doc, how many more adjustments do you think I'm gonna need?
- Alan Harper: Well, Mr. Malinkovich... um, let's see. My son won't graduate college 'til 2015, so... a lot.
- Alan Harper: [mad at Charlie for not answering his phone when Alan was calling for help] I just have to accept the fact that I... I can't count on anyone. Least of all, an emotionally immature narcissist who thinks that the sun rises out of his navel and sets in his scrotum, and only *cares* about what lies between the two!