- Alan: If I ever had a... a woman like that, I... I would cherish her, I would worship her, I would start a small country and put her face on a stamp, so I could lick the back of her head.
- Alan: When you're with a woman like Sherri, who's sooo gosh darn beautiful that you get excited just thinking about her... how do you... keep the sprinklers from going off while you're still mowing?