- Penelope Ann Miller: By the way, I must say that my father is your age... Wait a second.
- Johnny Carson: ...I hope there's a nice finish to this.
- Penelope Ann Miller: There's is - there is. OK? And he just had a baby. Which means that he *can* have sex, and he can...
- Johnny Carson: Of course! Men into their 70s and 80s have fathered children.
- Penelope Ann Miller: Right. So - so I just want you to know, in case you were thinking of it...
- Johnny Carson: No, I'm not thinking of it. No, I try - I try not to think of it.
- Penelope Ann Miller: But, uh, you know, everything - everything's still working.
- Johnny Carson: Well, that's good; thank you, very much... Yeah - it's open nine to five, too.
- Drew Carey: People always say that to you, like it's the worst thing that can happen to a guy. Like, "Hey, Drew - how come you're limpin'?" "Well, I was layin' around the house, naked, playin' with fireworks... I, uh, accidentally blew off an M80 in my lap." "Wow. At least it's not snowin', though, huh?"
- Drew Carey: You eat a chili dog from Denny's, man, it's like a race with the devil to get back to your house.