The Tonight Show Starring Johnny Carson (TV Series)

Dennis Hart/Joe Piscopo/Ellen DeGeneres (1986)

Ellen DeGeneres: Self - Comedienne

Photos 

Quotes 

• Ellen DeGeneres : I'm getting older, I'm 27. People say 'You don't look 27, you look like you're about 23'. I'm lucky, that runs in my family. My grandmother is 97, she looks about 93. Have a little nephew who's 4, he doesn't even look born yet, tiny embryo thing.

• Ellen DeGeneres : That whole fitness thing runs in my family, my grandmother started walking 5 miles a day when she was 60, she's 97 today and we don't know where the hell she is. I'm kidding, we know where she is, she's in prison.

• Ellen DeGeneres : I kid a lot because I'm a comedian. People ask me 'were you funny as a child?', no, I was an accountant.

• Ellen DeGeneres : My dad, when I was about 4-5 years old, he walks up to me one day before Christmas and says 'Ellen, what would you like for Christmas?' I said 'Gosh Dad, I'd like a little dolly'. Christmas Day he wheels in this tremendous heavy metal thing. 'No, Dad, that's not what I wanted'. You ever try dressing one of those things?

• Ellen DeGeneres : We had fire drills around the house so incase of a fire we all had a special duty: my father grabbed the pets, my mother grabbed the jewelry, my brother ran to get help, they told me to try to save the washer and dryer.

• Ellen DeGeneres : I used to wander around the woods when I was a kid, because my parents would put me there. And I'd find petrified wood and I'd think 'what could've scared these trees so badly?' Maybe a dinosaur lifting his leg.

• Ellen DeGeneres : Fleas do nothing at all beneficial, I always thought at times like this when we can't figure out things for ourselves, wouldn't it be great if we could just pick up the phone and call up God and ask Him these things?

• Ellen DeGeneres : [mimicking being on the phone with God]  Hi God, this is Ellen, Degeneres, Degeneres, what's so funny? No I never thought about that, it does sound like that, doesn't it? I get it.

• Ellen DeGeneres : [mimicking being on the phone with God]  Listen, there are just certain things on this earth, I don't understand why they're here. No, not Charo, but there are certain things, like, insects. No bees are great, the honey, that's clever. I was thinking more like fleas, they seem to have no benefit... no I didn't realize how many people were employed by the flea collar industry, not to mention sprays. Yeah I guess You're right, of course You are!

• Ellen DeGeneres : [mimicking being on the phone with God]  You've got a joke for me? I'd love to hear it. No I got time, of course You knew that more than me, huh? That was a joke. Go ahead. Who's there? God who? Godzilla! Wow, incredibly funny, yeah and another one sure. Who's there? God who? Goddadime. Whoa! No I don't have time for another one, I just remembered an appointment so I gotta go. How about that? God who, Goddago, cute? Stupid. It was good talking to You too, and I'll see, I'll talk to you later.