- Johnny Carson: [looking at Doc's violet jacket and other pastel clothing] Wow - you look like a maître d' in a massage parlor... Yes - booth 12 is open now.
- Doc Severinsen: [makes a garbled reply]
- Johnny Carson: What?
- Doc Severinsen: I'll give you a little rub.
- Johnny Carson: [amused] What?
- Doc Severinsen: ...This is for Easter.
- Johnny Carson: What, are you gonna roll - roll down the lawn in that, or what?
- Doc Severinsen: Well, I've been dipped; I might as well be rolled.
- Johnny Carson: I bought two of those chocolate bunnies - that were kinda cute - and I left them in the car, and the sun came into the car... I went out there this afternoon, and I had a porno Hershey bar.
- Lynn Redgrave: [about her awkwardness with boys after attending an all-girls school] It's a very unfortunate thing to feel lust, and not be able to say "hello".
- Johnny Carson: Yes. Yes, it is... I re- I remember going through puberty; it happened, uh, at 4 o'clock on a Tuesday.
- Ed McMahon: How long will you be able to hold out against the British Navy?
- General Trinilopez Charo Josefeliciano Cesarromero Piazadora Cugat: Well, we are following the example of a great Latin-American man who held out a long time.
- Ed McMahon: Oh - Simón Bolívar in, uh, Bolivia.
- General Trinilopez Charo Josefeliciano Cesarromero Piazadora Cugat: No - Fernando Valenzuela, in Los Angeles.
- Paul Reiser: [on children giving bad directions] In all fairness, little kids don't drive. Alright? Which is why, by the way, I think that they don't get good jobs.
- David Horowitz: And what did you have for breakfast this morning, Johnny?
- Johnny Carson: I had a cup of Valium soup... and a - and a Rob Roy.
- David Horowitz: We have power! We have power, and we don't use it. If we find a commercial offensive, let the manufacturer know about it, and they will listen to us.