- Christopher Titus: All of Dad's relationships ended exactly the same: subpoena, beep of a moving van backing up the driveway, pile of his clothes burning on the front lawn.
- [explaining his affair with a waitress]
- Christopher Titus: She said 'Want some pie?' I didn't know it was a metaphor!
- Christopher Titus: I do not need help destroying my relationship. I was raised by my father. I've completed a thirty-year seminar on the power of destroying relationships.