- Malcolm Tucker: [on the way to the Communications office] Hey Jamie! This is Ollie!
- Jamie: THE Ollie? The stuck-one-up-the-Opposition-for-us Ollie? Good fucking man! Good to meet you!
- Malcolm Tucker: This is Jamie, he'll be looking after you.
- Oliver Reeder: Oh, great, another Scot, I see. Does everyone needs to be in the Caledonian Mafia to, erm...
- Malcolm Tucker: Everybody, this is Ollie! He's the guy who fucked the Opposition for us!
- [everybody cheer]
- Oliver Reeder: That was quite an introduction.
- Jamie: Just nod when the big fucker talks, do whatever I say.
- Malcolm Tucker: Actually it's the other way around. Look, Jamie's gonna put you in touch with a guy called Paul. Paul vets all the stuff that we input into the attack. Technically, you shouldn't be doing this here, but the main frame's not here, right? So technically you're not!
- Oliver Reeder: Sorry, stuff about Emma?
- Malcolm Tucker: About Emma, yeah.
- Oliver Reeder: [dissapointed] Oh.
- Malcolm Tucker: Hey, Ollie, I know that you're dead brainy, but look, I've got brains coming out of my fucking arse. What I need is political intelligence.
- Oliver Reeder: I just feel a bit awkward, you know...
- Malcolm Tucker: Oh, it's make-your-mind-up time, Ollie! I mean, what do you want to be? Do you want to be a prick that works here for a year, then goes away and joins a think-tank to write "oh, on one hand this and on the other hand that", or do you want to be a soldier?
- Jamie: Have you got your eyes on the prize?
- Oliver Reeder: I've got my eyes on the prize.
- Malcolm Tucker: Good.
- Oliver Reeder: What is the prize?
- Malcolm Tucker: I don't know, you need to ask the brainy guys. I'll settle for just keeping us in government instead of the wankers you're shagging!
- Glenn Cullen: [about Ollie being seconded to Nr.10 for a week] They only want him to make Cappucinos.
- Hugh Abbot: He does it very well. I think it's the way you waggle your finger so hard in the milk.
- Oliver Reeder: Yeah, you think it's my finger, bitch.
- Malcolm Tucker: [shouting] Sam! A coffee and a fucking skinny muffin, if that's possible!
- [sees Ollie waiting in the hall]
- Malcolm Tucker: What the fuck are you doing here?
- Oliver Reeder: I thought you said today, Malcolm. Did you not say...?
- Malcolm Tucker: I mean what are you doing there? Come on.
- [go inside Tucker's office]
- Oliver Reeder: Oh, right, sorry, I just didn't want to interrupt. Never know what you're doing in here.
- Malcolm Tucker: Well, if the PM's giving me a blow job I always put a sign up.
- Malcolm Tucker: [shouting at Geoff Holhurst] How much fucking shit is there on the menu and what fucking flavor is it?
- Jamie: Well, go for fuck's sake, you big fucking prick! Or I'll cut your ears off! We need it done!
- Oliver Reeder: When I met you this morning I thought you were the nice Scot.
- Mark Davies: Malcolm, this is a traditional old-fashioned news story called "Minister looks a tit".
- Malcolm Tucker: Hey, everybody looks a tit, you know? Take two of these shots of him looking moronic out, leave a couple in of him looking a little bit dim, put one of him composed, drop it down the running order, and we've got a deal.
- Mark Davies: I'm not... Deal? What deal, Malcolm? He looks a tit, that's it. I'm sorry.
- Malcolm Tucker: But there is a difference between allowing someone's natural tittishness to come through and just exploiting it through camera work here. You're sticking one tit moment on top of another tit moment! That wouldn't happen in real life.
- Hugh Abbot: [to Oliver] Morning studmuffin, enjoy your walk on the wild side? How was your dip in the wild blue... pussy?
- Frankie: Shagging your way to the top, then, is it?
- Oliver Reeder: Well, I'm not Scottish, so I got to get there somehow.
- Hugh Abbot: Sometimes I... you know, when you meet the real, the actual people... don't you, I mean, you just look at the little beady eyes and mean mouths sort of sneering, and... I mean, I know this is what they think people like me think so I hate thinking it, but I just find myself thinking they're from a different fucking species. You know, with their t-shirts and weird trousers and tabards and... Why do they wear clothes with writing on? And why are they so fucking fat?
- Glenn Cullen: I know. And stupid.
- Jamie: Where's Neil?
- Malcolm Tucker: Leicester. Poor fucker! You'd think that once you'd achieved a certain status, you might be excused to visit Leicester, wouldn't you?
- Jamie: Have you seen the Whip's numbers?
- Malcolm Tucker: NOMFuP.
- Jamie: Eh?
- Malcolm Tucker: NOMFuP. N-O-M-F-P. Not My Fucking Problem. I quite like that. Did you like that? I'll use that quite a lot today.
- [to a passing by communications guy]
- Malcolm Tucker: Hey, well done on Fatty's profile! Very very good! I nearly liked the enormous fucker, reading it!
- Jamie: What if the MoD breaks tonight? What I'm hearing is, the overspend's getting more brutal by the hour. They're talking about topping at one, one and a half billion. Obviously, that's a lot of nurses.
- Malcolm Tucker: Or one fantastically enormous robotic one, yeah?
- Jamie: Obviously.
- Malcolm Tucker: And how's the Minister?
- Jamie: He's shitting himself!
- [laughs]
- Jamie: He's practically kissing his driver goodbye. He said he felt like he's in the Twin Towers on the 9/11, just fucking waiting.
- Malcolm Tucker: Oh, for fuck's sake. Everybody know their lines, right? IT projects, always overspend.
- [to Sam]
- Malcolm Tucker: D'you think you could manage me a desent cup of tea? Would that be possible? Thank you. Try not to drip in it.
- [Sam leaves. To Jamie]
- Malcolm Tucker: I tell you, the thing that worries me... is this dodgy?
- Jamie: I dunno. The kid's firm was the second lowest bid, he says they never talked, what does it matter?
- Malcolm Tucker: No, well, you know me, I'm a man of principle, I like to know whether I'm lying to save the skin of a tosser or a moron.
- Jamie: Probably a moron.
- Oliver Reeder: So. I've been given a desk at Nr.10 to ring my girlfriend?
- Frankie: That's about the size of it. Shagging your way to the top, then, is it?
- Oliver Reeder: Yes, well, I'm not Scottish, so I've got to get in somehow, haven't I?
- Malcolm Tucker: [Ollie's mobile phone rings] Are you not going to get that, Olly?
- Oliver Reeder: No. I've been on that all day. Microwaves. I've got a tumour coming on
- Jamie: [in a slightly camp voice] I think I've got a touch of the brain tumours as well. Not much of a fucking soldier, is he?
- Malcolm Tucker: He's a lover, not a fighter.
- Jamie: Have you seen the Whip's numbers?
- Malcolm Tucker: NOMFuP.
- Jamie: Eh?
- Malcolm Tucker: NOMFuP. N-O-M-F-P. Not My Fucking Problem. I quite like that. Did you like that? I'll use that quite a lot today.
- Malcolm Tucker: Hey Jamie! This is Ollie!
- Jamie: THE Ollie? The stuck-one-up-the-Opposition-for-us Ollie? Good fucking man! Good to meet you!
- Jamie: [to Ollie, about Malcolm] Just nod when the big fucker talks, do whatever I say.
- Malcolm Tucker: Actually it's the other way around.
- Malcolm Tucker: Is this dodgy?
- Jamie: I dunno. The kid's firm was the second lowest bid, he says they never talked, what does it matter?
- Malcolm Tucker: No, well, you know me, I'm a man of principle, I like to know whether I'm lying to save the skin of a tosser or a moron.
- Jamie: Probably a moron...
- Malcolm Tucker: It's make-your-mind-up time, Ollie! I mean, what do you want to be? Do you want to be a prick that works here for a year, then goes away and joins a think-tank to write "oh, on one hand this and on the other hand that", or do you want to be a soldier?
- Jamie: Have you got your eyes on the prize?
- Oliver Reeder: I've got my eyes on the prize.
- Malcolm Tucker: Good.
- Oliver Reeder: What is the prize?
- Malcolm Tucker: I don't know, you need to ask the brain guys... I'll settle for just keeping us in government instead of the wankers you're shagging!
- Hugh Abbott: Have you, though?
- Glenn Cullen: What?
- Hugh Abbott: Ever cleaned up your own mother's piss?
- Glenn Cullen: No, I never knew my mother, Hugh, as you remember.
- Hugh Abbott: Oh, sorry. Have you ever cleaned up your stepmother's piss?
- Glenn Cullen: No, I never cleaned her piss, it wasn't that kind of relationship.
- Hugh Abbott: No, nor me. Though I have to say, I've done Alicia's piss, and then Charlie's piss, I mean, you know, loads of it. But, you know, it's only piss... I mean, she was going on as if it was sort of toxic waste or something. But it's... what's a bit of piss?
- [just before he leaves, Ollie slaps Glenn round the back of the head, to get him back for "happy-slapping" him before]
- Glenn Cullen: Stupid boy.
- Hugh Abbot: That was funny.
- Glenn Cullen: That was funny?
- Hugh Abbot: Yeah.
- Glenn Cullen: I don't think it was funny.
- Hugh Abbot: I'm an elected representative of the people. It was funny.
- Pauline McKendrick: What are you smiling at? What are you grinning at? Do you think it's funny? Do you think I'm funny? Do you think my mother's piss is funny? Well, it's not funny! She's not laughing! She's pissing herself!
- Hugh Abbot: [on a rooftop, talking to Glenn on the ground below over the phone] Glenn? Is she still saying it?
- Glenn Cullen: Oh, God, yes.
- [to the angry Welsh woman who is still complaining to him]
- Glenn Cullen: Would you please just give me a moment?
- [to Hugh]
- Glenn Cullen: Yes, yes, she's banging on about it even now. The trouble is, Hugh, they reckon they've got some great shots, you know...
- Hugh Abbot: Great shots?
- Glenn Cullen: The thing is, don't panic, you know...
- Pauline McKendrick: [to Glenn as he tries to talk to Hugh on the phone] ... this is what you do though because it's disgusting! You cannot treat people like this!
- Glenn Cullen: [suddenly whips round on her] CAN YOU PLEASE SHUT UP! For one fucking minute? I'm asking nicely. Please!
- [he resumes his call with Hugh]
- Glenn Cullen: Now, Hugh, look, I'm going to have hang up. I'm going to have to deal with her...
- Pauline McKendrick: Did you enjoy that? Did you enjoy that?
- Malcolm Tucker: [trying to get the news people to edit the footage of Hugh being confronted by an angry member of the public into something less embarrassing] And do you know about that woman? Have you made any enquiries into the background of that woman?
- Mark Davies: I'm sure my researchers have, yes.
- Malcolm Tucker: Yes, your researchers have. Well, I've got to tell you I don't think they have.
- [his phone rings]
- Malcolm Tucker: Just excuse me a second.
- Oliver Reeder: [phoning from the office at Number 10] Malcolm.
- Malcolm Tucker: Have you anything on the woman?
- Oliver Reeder: Well, I've got Frankie up there now, just rooting through the bins. Hang on a second.
- [speaks into another phone]
- Oliver Reeder: Have you got anything?
- Frankie: [outside the woman's house, literally going through her dustbins] Nothing. Er... bloody chips, Daily Mail, bin stuff.
- Oliver Reeder: Nothing, Malcolm. Just bin stuff.
- [Malcolm thinks for a moment, then goes back into the editing room]
- Malcolm Tucker: BNP, Mark. She's standing for the British National Party. Stamford Bridge.
- Mark Davies: [thumps his desk in disappointment] For fuck's sake!
- Malcolm Tucker: Very straightforward. Basic stuff, Mark. Do your research. Standing for the British National Party.
- Mark Davies: All right, what do you want, Malcolm?
- Malcolm Tucker: Two little bits of tit. Two titties.