The Thick of It (TV Series)

Episode #2.1 (2005)

Paul Higgins: Jamie

Quotes 

• Malcolm Tucker : [on the way to the Communications office]  Hey Jamie! This is Ollie!

  Jamie : THE Ollie? The stuck-one-up-the-Opposition-for-us Ollie? Good fucking man! Good to meet you!

  Malcolm Tucker : This is Jamie, he'll be looking after you.

  Oliver Reeder : Oh, great, another Scot, I see. Does everyone needs to be in the Caledonian Mafia to, erm...

  Malcolm Tucker : Everybody, this is Ollie! He's the guy who fucked the Opposition for us!

  [everybody cheer] 

  Oliver Reeder : That was quite an introduction.

  Jamie : Just nod when the big fucker talks, do whatever I say.

  Malcolm Tucker : Actually it's the other way around. Look, Jamie's gonna put you in touch with a guy called Paul. Paul vets all the stuff that we input into the attack. Technically, you shouldn't be doing this here, but the main frame's not here, right? So technically you're not!

  Oliver Reeder : Sorry, stuff about Emma?

  Malcolm Tucker : About Emma, yeah.

  Oliver Reeder : [dissapointed]  Oh.

  Malcolm Tucker : Hey, Ollie, I know that you're dead brainy, but look, I've got brains coming out of my fucking arse. What I need is political intelligence.

  Oliver Reeder : I just feel a bit awkward, you know...

  Malcolm Tucker : Oh, it's make-your-mind-up time, Ollie! I mean, what do you want to be? Do you want to be a prick that works here for a year, then goes away and joins a think-tank to write "oh, on one hand this and on the other hand that", or do you want to be a soldier?

  Jamie : Have you got your eyes on the prize?

  Oliver Reeder : I've got my eyes on the prize.

  Malcolm Tucker : Good.

  Oliver Reeder : What is the prize?

  Malcolm Tucker : I don't know, you need to ask the brainy guys. I'll settle for just keeping us in government instead of the wankers you're shagging!

• Jamie : Well, go for fuck's sake, you big fucking prick! Or I'll cut your ears off! We need it done!

  Oliver Reeder : When I met you this morning I thought you were the nice Scot.

• Jamie : Where's Neil?

  Malcolm Tucker : Leicester. Poor fucker! You'd think that once you'd achieved a certain status, you might be excused to visit Leicester, wouldn't you?

  Jamie : Have you seen the Whip's numbers?

  Malcolm Tucker : NOMFuP.

  Jamie : Eh?

  Malcolm Tucker : NOMFuP. N-O-M-F-P. Not My Fucking Problem. I quite like that. Did you like that? I'll use that quite a lot today.

  [to a passing by communications guy] 

  Malcolm Tucker : Hey, well done on Fatty's profile! Very very good! I nearly liked the enormous fucker, reading it!

  Jamie : What if the MoD breaks tonight? What I'm hearing is, the overspend's getting more brutal by the hour. They're talking about topping at one, one and a half billion. Obviously, that's a lot of nurses.

  Malcolm Tucker : Or one fantastically enormous robotic one, yeah?

  Jamie : Obviously.

  Malcolm Tucker : And how's the Minister?

  Jamie : He's shitting himself!

  [laughs] 

  Jamie : He's practically kissing his driver goodbye. He said he felt like he's in the Twin Towers on the 9/11, just fucking waiting.

  Malcolm Tucker : Oh, for fuck's sake. Everybody know their lines, right? IT projects, always overspend.

  [to Sam] 

  Malcolm Tucker : D'you think you could manage me a desent cup of tea? Would that be possible? Thank you. Try not to drip in it.

  [Sam leaves. To Jamie] 

  Malcolm Tucker : I tell you, the thing that worries me... is this dodgy?

  Jamie : I dunno. The kid's firm was the second lowest bid, he says they never talked, what does it matter?

  Malcolm Tucker : No, well, you know me, I'm a man of principle, I like to know whether I'm lying to save the skin of a tosser or a moron.

  Jamie : Probably a moron.

• Malcolm Tucker : [Ollie's mobile phone rings]  Are you not going to get that, Olly?

  Oliver Reeder : No. I've been on that all day. Microwaves. I've got a tumour coming on

  Jamie : [in a slightly camp voice]  I think I've got a touch of the brain tumours as well. Not much of a fucking soldier, is he?

  Malcolm Tucker : He's a lover, not a fighter.

• Jamie : Have you seen the Whip's numbers?

  Malcolm Tucker : NOMFuP.

  Jamie : Eh?

  Malcolm Tucker : NOMFuP. N-O-M-F-P. Not My Fucking Problem. I quite like that. Did you like that? I'll use that quite a lot today.

• Malcolm Tucker : Hey Jamie! This is Ollie!

  Jamie : THE Ollie? The stuck-one-up-the-Opposition-for-us Ollie? Good fucking man! Good to meet you!

• Jamie : [to Ollie, about Malcolm]  Just nod when the big fucker talks, do whatever I say.

  Malcolm Tucker : Actually it's the other way around.

• Malcolm Tucker : Is this dodgy?

  Jamie : I dunno. The kid's firm was the second lowest bid, he says they never talked, what does it matter?

  Malcolm Tucker : No, well, you know me, I'm a man of principle, I like to know whether I'm lying to save the skin of a tosser or a moron.

  Jamie : Probably a moron...

• Malcolm Tucker : It's make-your-mind-up time, Ollie! I mean, what do you want to be? Do you want to be a prick that works here for a year, then goes away and joins a think-tank to write "oh, on one hand this and on the other hand that", or do you want to be a soldier?

  Jamie : Have you got your eyes on the prize?

  Oliver Reeder : I've got my eyes on the prize.

  Malcolm Tucker : Good.

  Oliver Reeder : What is the prize?

  Malcolm Tucker : I don't know, you need to ask the brain guys... I'll settle for just keeping us in government instead of the wankers you're shagging!