Son of the Beach (TV Series)

Chip's a Goy (2001)

Gilbert Gottfried: Noccus Johnstein

Photos 

Quotes 

• Noccus Johnstein : And now, Notcholeh, in honor of your arrival, join me as we blow the shofar.

  Notch Johnson : [glancing at their chauffer]  He was a good driver and all, but can't we just throw him twenty bucks?

• Noccus Johnstein : I'm concerned about Hummus.

  Notch Johnson : Hummus? You mean the tasty chip dip made entirely of chickpeas?

  Noccus Johnstein : No. This is Hummus, the terrorist organization. Led by Osama bin *Layden*!

  Notch Johnson : Do you mean Osama bin Laden?

  Noccus Johnstein : No. He's bad, too. But I'm talking about Osama bin *Layden*!

  Notch Johnson : So, what's the deal with this Osama bin Layden?

  Noccus Johnstein : Well, Osama bin *Layden* has created a secret gas bomb. When it hits, you don't even realize it.

  Notch Johnson : The worst kind of gas... silent but deadly.

• Notch Johnson : Okay, gang, let's hit the mall and do some shopping.

  B.J. Cummings : Great. I want to buy some "Jew-veniers".

  Kimberlee Clark : How do we get there, Nocchus?

  Noccus Johnstein : Oh, you can't miss it. You see where those, uh, four Palestinians are?

  [machine gun fire in the distance] 

  Noccus Johnstein : You see where those three Palestinians are? Right behind them.

• Mayor Anita Massengil : You must be worried sick that your daughter might get involved with a non-Jew.

  Noccus Johnstein : You mean a goy?

  [he shudders] 

  Noccus Johnstein : Ooh. Do you have any idea what it's like to have a daughter?

  Mayor Anita Massengil : No, but I do have a son who wants to be a Dallas Cowboys cheerleader.

• Noccus Johnstein : It's a package from Terrorist Express. I thought something smelled like Shiite.

• Noccus Johnstein : Ladies and gentlemen, we are here to make Chip a Jew. Chip, pull down the ceremonial shorts so we can see what's under the hood.

  [Chip does so; his member lands with a thud, and onlookers gasp] 

  Noccus Johnstein : Jesus H. Christ!