- Alien: I bring you love.
- Lenny: It's bringing love, don't let it get away!
- Carl: Break its legs.
- [everyone starts to advance on the alien]
- Lisa: Wait! You want an alien? This is your alien.
- [Shines torch on alien to reveal Mr. Burns in a twisted and disoriented state]
- Mr. Burns: [in a high-toned voice] Hello, children. I bring you love.
- Willy: Argh. It's a monster. Kill it, kill it!
- Smithers: It's not a monster, it's Mr. Burns!
- Willy: Aww, it's Mr. Burns! KILL IT! KILL IT!
- Mulder: All right, Homer, we want you to recreate your every move the night you saw this alien.
- Homer: Well, the evening began at the gentlemen's club, where we were discussing Wittgenstein over a game of backgammon.
- Scully: Mr. Simpson, it's a felony to lie to the FBI.
- Homer: We were sitting in Barney's car eating packets of mustard. You happy?
- Homer: I'm like that guy who single-handedly built the rocket and flew to the moon. What was his name? Apollo Creed?
- Homer: [Using a trick he learned watching a certain movie] I saw this in a movie about a bus that had to *speed* around the city, keeping its *speed* over fifty, and if its *speed* dropped, the bus would explode! I think it was called... "The Bus That Couldn't Slow Down."
- Mulder: Look at this, Scully: there has been another unsubstantiated UFO sighting in the heartland of America. We've got to get there right away.
- Scully: Well, gee Mulder, there's also this report of a shipment of drugs and illegal weapons coming into New Jersey tonight.
- Mulder: I hardly think the FBI is concerned with matters like that.
- Leonard Nimoy: Hello. I'm Leonard Nimoy. The following tale of alien encounters is true. And by true, I mean false. It's all lies. But they're entertaining lies. And in the end, isn't that the real truth? The answer is: No.
- Mulder: [after subjecting Homer to a physical and numerous medical tests, Scully has set him on a treadmill] Wait a minute, Scully. What's the point of this test?
- Scully: No point. I just figured he could stand to lose some weight.
- Mulder: [Seeing the movement of Homer's belly] His jigglin is almost hypnotic.
- Scully: Yes. It's like a lava lamp.
- Rev. Lovejoy: I remember another gentle visitor from the heavens. He came in peace, and then died... only to come back to life. And his name was: E.T., the extra-terrestrial. I love that little guy.
- Homer: I don't mind being called a liar when I'm lying, or about to lie, or just finished lying, but NOT WHEN I'M TELLING THE TRUTH.
- Chief Wiggum: Well, your story is very compelling, Mr. Jackass, I mean, uh, Simpson. So I'll just type it up on my invisible typewriter.
- [pantomiming doing so, humming]
- Homer: You don't have to humiliate me.
- Pyromaniac: [entering as Homer leaves] I just torched a building downtown and I'm afraid I'll do it again!
- Chief Wiggum: Oh, yeah, right. I'll just type it up on my invisible typewriter.
- [pantomiming again, humming]
- Chief Wiggum: Fruitcake.
- Kent Brockman: The alien has appeared in the same Springfield pasture the past two Friday nights. Will it appear again this Friday? The entire Channel 6 news team will be there, except for Phil, the boom mike operator, who's getting fired tomorrow.
- [boom mike hits Kent]
- Kent Brockman: Very unprofessional, Phil.
- Homer: Oh, Marge, I never felt so alone. No one believes me.
- [pause]
- Homer: Uh, this is the part where you're supposed to say, "I believe you, Homer."
- Marge Simpson: I don't believe you, Homer.
- Homer: You do? Oh, Marge, you've made me so happy.
- Marge Simpson: You're not listening. You're only hearing what you want to hear.
- Homer: Thanks! I'd love an omelet right about now.
- Bart Simpson: Hey, dad. What's the word from planet crackpot?
- Homer Simpson: Oh, I suppose you're going to mock me, too.
- Bart Simpson: Well, actually, dad, I believe you.
- Homer Simpson: You do?
- Bart Simpson: Yes, I do. You seem so damn sure.
- Homer Simpson: Thank you, son. And do you think you could stop the casual swearing?
- Bart Simpson: Hell, yes.
- Grampa: For the love of God, help me! I've been here for four days, and a turtle's got a hold of my teeth. There he is!
- [chasing the turtle, moving just as slow]
- Grampa: Come back here, you. Slow down. I'll get you.
- Scully: This is the worst assignment we've ever had.
- Mulder: Worse than the time we were attacked by the flesh-eating virus?
- Grampa: [the turtle bites him] Ow! He bit me with my own teeth!
- Scully: No, this is much more irritating.
- Bart Simpson: Yo, dad, can I have a sip of your beer?
- Homer Simpson: Now, son, you don't want to drink beer. That's for daddies and kids with fake IDs.
- [last lines]
- Squeaky-Voiced Teen: [closing the book] And so concludes our tale. I'm Leonard Nimoy. Good night, and keep watching the skis.
- [points up]
- Squeaky-Voiced Teen: Uh skies.
- [the X Files theme plays]
- Dr. Nick Riviera: Don't worry. You won't feel a thing...
- [exhibiting a swirling mechanical device]
- Dr. Nick Riviera: ...till I jam this down your throat!
- Homer: This Friday, we're going back to the woods and we're going to find that alien!
- Bart Simpson: What if we don't?
- Homer: We'll fake it and sell it to the FOX network.
- Bart Simpson: They'll buy anything.
- Homer: Now, son, they do a lot of quality programming, too.
- [both burst out laughing]
- Homer: I kill me.
- Homer: Take a look at this, Lisa. You don't see any "Homer is a dope" T-shirts, do you?
- Sarcastic worker: We sold those out in five minutes.
- Homer: D'oh!
- [seeing Marge and Maggie wearing one]
- Homer: Marge, how could you?
- Marge Simpson: These shirts are 100% cotton, and look at the fine stitching on "dope".
- Homer: [to the vendor] I'll take two.
- Mulder: Are we alone in the universe? Impossible. When you consider the wonders that exist all around us... voodoo priests of Haiti, the Tibetan numerologists of Appalachia, the unsolved mysteries of Unsolved Mysteries... The truth is out there.
- Lisa: All right! It's time for ABC's "TGIF" line-up!
- Bart Simpson: Lise, when you get a little older, you'll learn that Friday is just another day between NBC's "Must See Thursday" and CBS' "Saturday night craporama".
- Leonard Nimoy: [finishing Homer's 'story'] And so, from this simple man came the proof that we are not alone in the universe. I'm Leonard Nimoy. Good night.
- Squeaky-Voiced Teen: Uh, Mr. Nimoy, we have ten minutes left.
- Leonard Nimoy: Oh. Uh, fine. Well, let me just get, uh, something out of my car.
- [Nimoy runs out of the room; a car door is heard slamming and the tires are heard peeling away]
- Squeaky-Voiced Teen: [entering the shot] I don't think he's coming back.
- Alien: I bring you peace.
- Homer: As a representative of planet Earth, let me be the first to say...
- [realizing his leg is on fire, he screams and tries to put it out]
- Homer: [the alien leaves] D'oh! It's gone. And we still don't have any proof.
- Bart Simpson: [holding up Flanders' camcorder] Oh, yes, we do. I got it all on tape.
- Lisa: Dad, according to "Junior Skeptic Magazine", the chances are 175 million to 1 of another form of life actually coming in contact with ours.
- Homer: So?
- Lisa: It's just that the people who claim they've seen aliens are always pathetic lowlifes with boring jobs. Oh, and you, dad.
- [she chuckles nervously]
- Bart Simpson: [coming in with a Super Soaker, improvised antennae on a helmet, and droopy-eye spring glasses] I am the thing from Uranus.
- Homer: [whimpering, then realizing] Oh, it's Bart. I can't believe it. I'm being mocked by my own children. On my birthday.
- Bart Simpson: It's your birthday?
- Homer: Yes. Remember? It's the same day as the dog's.
- Lisa: [the family begins cuddling and petting the dog] Santa's Little Helper, it's your birthday? Ooh, we've got to get you a present. Yes, we do. Yes, we do.
- Bart Simpson: We love you, boy.
- Marge Simpson: Good doggy. Good doggy.
- Homer: [muttering under his breath] Lousy, loveable dog.
- Homer: I'm telling you, I saw a creature from another planet.
- Lisa: Maybe you just dreamed it.
- Homer: Oh, yeah? Well, when I came to, I was covered with a sticky, translucent goo. Explain that.
- Marge Simpson: [serving breakfast] More sausage?
- [he begins drooling]
- Kent Brockman: Tonight, on "Eyewitness News," a man who's been in a coma for 23 years wakes up.
- Coma patient: [in his hospital bed] Do Sonny and Cher still have that stupid show?
- Kent Brockman: No. Uh, she won an Oscar, and he's a congressman.
- Coma patient: Good night!
- [his heart rate monitor flatlines]
- Kent Brockman: [back in the studio] But first, E.T. phone Homer... Simpson, that is.
- Homer: Marge! Kids! They're about to show my videotape.
- Kent Brockman: Local man Homer Simpson, shown here with his tongue stuck to a lamppost, has given us this videotape. It's a close encounter of the blurred kind.
- Moe: Another Duff, Homer?
- Homer: Nah. It's Friday night, Moe. I want to try something special.
- Moe: Uh, sure, sure.
- [surreptitiously drawing an umlaut over the "U"]
- Moe: Eh, here you go. "Doof." From Sweden.
- Homer: [taking a sip] Skoal! Wait a minute. This is Duff!
- Moe: [laughing nervously] You got me, didn't you? All right, here you go. Red Tick Beer.
- Homer: [taking a sip] Hmm. Bold, refreshing. And something I can't quite put my finger on.
- [cut to a Red Tick brewery, where dogs swim in a vat of beer]
- Red Tick Beer Man: [taste-testing some] Hmm... needs more dog.
- Bart Simpson: Well, Lise, what do you think about the alien now?
- Lisa: I think there must be a more logical explanation, and I think the people of this town aren't going to be won over by three seconds of videotape.
- Homer: [hearing the doorbell, he opens the front door to see a group of townspeople outside] Uh... I'm happy to answer any questions you have about the alien. Any questions at all.
- [Dr. Hibbert raises his hand]
- Homer: Dr. Hibbert?
- Dr. Hibbert: Yes, is the alien carbon-based or silicon-based?
- Homer: Uh... the second one. Zilliphone. Next question.
- Barney: Is the alien Santa Claus?
- Homer: Uh... yes.
- Ned Flanders: Uh, were you on my roof last night stealing my weather vane?
- Homer: This interview is over!
- [as he goes back inside and slams the door, said weather vane falls to the ground]
- Marge Simpson: Hello. Can I help you?
- Mulder: [showing their badges] Agents Mulder and Scully, FBI.
- Marge Simpson: [gasping] I-Is this about that pen that I took from the post office? I-I swear, I didn't know I put it in my purse. Then I was going to bring it back, but the dog chewed it up, and that just made things worse.
- [she begins hyperventilating]
- Scully: Actually, we're here to see your husband about his UFO encounter.
- Marge Simpson: [still trying to catch her breath] Oh... come... come in.
- Scully: Mr. Simpson, look at this lineup and tell us if any of these are the aliens you saw.
- Alf: [in line with Marvin the Martian, Chewbacca, either Kang or Kodos, and Gort from "The Day the Earth Stood Still"] Yo!
- Homer: No, I'm sorry.
- Marvin the Martian: [grumbling as they all leave] Oh, this makes me very angry.
- Homer: I refuse to share a bed with someone who thinks I'm crazy. Unless you're feeling amorous.
- [playful growl]
- Marge Simpson: [trying to get to sleep] No, I'm not.
- Homer: [getting out of bed] Well, then, good night.
- Alien: I bring you love.
- Dr. Hibbert: Is that the love between a man and a woman? Or the love of a man for a cuban cigar?
- Alien: Uh... I bring you love.
- Mr. Burns: A lifetime of working in a nuclear power plant has given me a healthy green glow... and left me as impotent as a Nevada boxing commissioner. And now that I'm back to normal, I don't bring you peace and love. I bring you fear, famine, pestilence, and...
- Dr. Nick Riviera: Time for a booster!
- Mr. Burns: Good morning starshine...
- Bart: Leonard Nimoy? What are you doing here?
- Leonard Nimoy: Wherever there is mystery and the unexplained, cosmic forces shall draw me near.
- Bart: [flippantly] Uh-huh.
- Hot Dog Vendor: Hey Spock, what do you want on your hot dog?
- Leonard Nimoy: Surprise me.
- Jasper: Thank god it's Wednesday.
- [takes his pills]
- Mrs. Glick: It's Friday.
- Jasper: [looks at his empty cup] Uh-oh... wrong pills.
- [Jasper sprouts hair until he looks like an old sasquatch]
- Jasper: Little help?
- Homer Simpson: [describing his encounter with the alien] Oh, it was awful. They sat me on a cold, metal table and prodded me with humiliating probes. And... oh, wait, that was my physical.
- Carl: [sarcastically] Great story Homer, really.
- Homer: I saw this in a movie about a bus that had to SPEED around a city, keeping its SPEED over fifty, and if its SPEED dropped, it would explode. I think it was called, "The Bus That Couldn't Slow Down."