The Simpsons (TV Series)

Homie the Clown (1995)

Dan Castellaneta: Homer Simpson, Krusty the Clown, Driver, Texan Clown Student #2, Estonian Dwarf, Joey, Louie

Photos 

Quotes 

• [hallucinates that the other Simpsons are clowns] 

  Homer : Marge?

  Marge Simpson : Yes, Homie?

  [starts humming the "Barnum and Bailey Circus" theme] 

  Homer : [no longer from his viewpoint]  That's it! You people have stood in my way long enough. I'm going to clown college!

  [leaves] 

  Bart Simpson : I don't think any of us expected him to say that.

• Homer : But wait. You can't kill me for being Krusty. I'm not him. I'm Homer Simpson.

  Fat Tony : The same Homer Simpson who crashed his car through the wall of our club?

  Homer : Uh... actually my name is Barney. Yeah, Barney Gumble.

  Legs : The same Barney Gumble who keeps taking pictures of my sister?

  Homer : Uh... actually my real name is uh... think Krusty, think... Joe Valachi!

  Louie : The same Joe Valachi who squealed to the Senate Committee about organized crime?

  Homer : Benedict Arnold!

  Legs : The same Benedict Arnold who plotted to surrender West Point to the hated British?

  Homer : D'oh!

• Homer : There's your giraffe, little girl.

  Ralph : I'm a boy.

  Homer : That's the spirit. Never give up.

• [gunshot, Flanders is knocked down] 

  Ned Flanders : Whew, good thing I always keep a Bible next to my...

  [second gunshot, Flanders is knocked down again] 

  Ned Flanders : Whew, luckily I was wearing an extra large piece of the True Cross today. I think I'll go inside.

  [as he runs off, a third gunshot spins the head of Homer's pickaxe] 

  Homer : What keeps doing that?

  Fat Tony : I told you we should have bought more than three bullets.

• Homer : Clown College? You can't eat that.

• Krusty's Accountant : Krusty as your accountant, I must warn you...

  Krusty the Clown : Did you send those thousand roses to Bea Arthur's grave?

  Krusty's Accountant : Yes, but as I told you, she's still...

  Krusty the Clown : I don't want to hear the end of any sentences!

• [last lines] 

  Krusty the Clown : So, we're even now, right?

  Don Vittorio Di Maggio : No, we just-a won't kill you. But, you still owe use the money...

  [dramatic pause] 

  Don Vittorio Di Maggio : $48!

  Krusty the Clown : Here's 50.

  Don Vittorio Di Maggio : And two your change. And-a we thank-a you.

• Krusty the Clown : Tell me where you're from.

  Clown Student 1# : Georgia.

  Clown Student 2# : Texas.

  Clown Student 3# : Uh... Brooklyn.

  Clown Student 4# : Russia.

  Clown Student 5# : New Hampshire.

  Homer : Homer.

• Homer : Hehehe... Clowns are funny.

• Krusty's Assistant : George Carlin on line.

  Krusty the Clown : Yeah? Lawsuit? Oh, come on. My "Seven Words You Can't Say on TV" bit was entirely different from your "Seven Words You Can't Say on TV" bit. So I'm a thief, am I? Well, EXCUUUUUUUUSE MEEEEEE!

  [hangs up] 

  Krusty the Clown : Give him ten grand.

  Krusty's Assistant : Steve Martin on four.

  Krusty the Clown : Ten grand.

• Krusty's Accountant : Let me get this straight. You took all the money you made franchising your name and bet it *against* the Harlem Globetrotters?

  Krusty the Clown : [miserable]  Oh, I thought the Generals were due!

  [watches the game on TV] 

  Krusty the Clown : He's spinning the ball on his finger! Just take it! Take it!

  [the Globetrotters score] 

  Krusty the Clown : That game was fixed! They were using a freakin' ladder, for God's sake!

• Krusty the Clown : Now, when the wealthy dowager comes in, the party's over, right? Wrong!

  [throws pie into dowager's face; her head cracks the wall] 

  Homer : [taking notes]  Kill, Wealthy, Dowager.

• Homer : Aw, being a clown sucks! You get kicked by kids, bit by dogs, and admired by the elderly. Who am I clowning? I have no business being a clown! I'm leaving the clowning business to all the other clowns in the clowning business!

• Homer : Hey, it's the first day of the month. New billboard day.

  [drives by, reads first billboard] 

  Homer : "This year, give her English muffins". Whatever you say, Mr. Billboard.

• Dick Cavett : Let's walk and talk. I, uh, I have some wonderful stories about other famous people that include me in some way.

  Homer : Er, can't, I gotta go distract bulls at a rodeo.

  Dick Cavett : Hey, me too. We can go together.

  Homer : Um... no, I'm going a different way than you, Dick.

  Dick Cavett : Heh heh, your churlish attitude reminds me of a time I was having dinner with Groucho and...

  Homer : [grabbing him by the collar]  Look, you're going to be having dinner with Groucho tonight if you don't beat it!

• Child : [the kids cheer and applaud as Estonian Dwarf, dressed like a cartoony burglar, appears]  It's the Krusty Burglar!

  Homer : [as the KB tries to steal one of the giant prop burgers, Homer takes notice; gasps]  Oh my God, he's stealing all the burgers! Why you little... !

  [he tackles Estonian Dwarf, slamming him against the pavement and punching him] 

  Krusty Burger Representative : [tries unsuccessfully to break them up]  It's... it's... all just... just... just an act.

  Child : [the children watch, horrified]  Stop! Sto-ho-ho-hop, he's already dead!

  Krusty Burger Representative : [Krusty Burger employees pull Homer away, as Estonian Dwarf lays on the ground prostrate]  Uh... Krusty the Clown, everybody!

  [the children still look on in horror, as one or two clap uncomfortably] 

  Estonian Dwarf : [weakly]  Please look at my Medic-Alert bracelet. Ohhhh.

• Plastic Surgeon : Krusty, your plastic surgery is complete. Now, when I remove the bandages, don't be alarmed at the total stranger staring back at you.

  Krusty the Clown : [looks at the mirror]  AAAAAAAAHHH! I LOOK EXACTLY THE SAME, YOU MORON!

  Plastic Surgeon : Oh, nonsense, Krusty. You look at least 10 years younger. Plus I did your breasts.

  Krusty the Clown : Does anybody hear me complaining about the breasts?

• Krusty the Clown : Ahh, there's nothing better than a cigarette... unless it's a cigarette lit with a hundred-dollar bill.

• Homer : When I started this clown thing, I thought it would be nothing but glory. You know, the glory of being a clown. I tell you, it's hard, tiring work. But when I see the smiles on their little faces, I just know they're getting ready to jab me with something.

• Krusty the Clown : See you tomorrow, kids. But before I go, I'd just like to say...

  [bicycle bell rings from inside his mouth] 

• Fat Tony : Krusty, in regard to the large wager you placed on yesterday's horse race...

  Krusty the Clown : [laughing nervously]  Uh, hey, how about letting me go double or nothing on the big opera tonight?

  Fat Tony : Who do you like?

  Krusty the Clown : The tenor.

  Fat Tony : [after a pause]  Okay. But we're only letting the bet ride because you crack us, so consistently, up.