The Simpsons (TV Series)

Homer's Enemy (1997)

Harry Shearer: Montgomery Burns, Waylon Smithers, Kent Brockman, Rev. Lovejoy, Lenny Leonard

Quotes 

• [first lines of an episode] 

  Kent Brockman : ...which, if true, means death for us all.

• Frank Grimes : God, he eats like a pig!

  Lenny : I don't know. Pigs tend to chew. I'd say he eats more like a duck.

  Frank Grimes : Well, some kind of farm animal, anyway. And earlier today, I saw him asleep inside a radiation suit. Can you imagine that? He was hanging from a coat hook!

  Lenny : He had three beers at lunch. That would make anybody sleepy.

  Frank Grimes : I've never seen him do any work around here. W-What is his job?

  Lenny : Safety inspector.

  Frank Grimes : That irresponsible oaf? A man who by all rights... should have been killed dozens of times by now?

  Lenny : Eh, 316 times by my count.

  Frank Grimes : That's the man who's in charge of our safety? I-It boggles the mind!

  Carl : It's best not to think about it.

• Carl : [after Homer wins a contest, much to Grimes' shock]  Way to go, Homer!

  Lenny : You're number one, Homer!

  Frank Grimes : But this was a contest for CHILDREN!

  Lenny : Yeah! And Homer beat their brains out!

  Frank Grimes : [the audience applauds and he runs up in front of them]  I can't stand it anymore, this whole plant is insane! INSANE I TELL YOU!

  [Holds his head and screams a few times as he loses his mind, then runs out to a random coworker] 

  Frank Grimes : I can be lazy, too. Look at me! I am a worthless employee, just like Homer Simpson! Give me a promotion!

  [Heads to a box of donuts] 

  Frank Grimes : Oh, I eat like a slob, but nobody minds...

  [Loudly gobbles a bit of the donuts, then heads into the restroom] 

  Frank Grimes : I'm peeing on the seat, give me a raise! Now I'm returning to work without washing my hands, *but* it doesn't matter, because *I'm* Homer Simpson!

  [Heads to Homer's workstation and sits down in his chair and spins around on it] 

  Frank Grimes : I don't need to do my work, cause someone else will do it for me! D'oh, D'oh, D'oh!

  Homer : You okay, Grimey?

  Frank Grimes : I'm better than okay, I'm Homer Simpson.

  Homer : Ha! You wish!

  Frank Grimes : [to Mr. Burns]  Oh, hey, Mr. Burns. I'm the worst worker in the world. Time to go home to my mansion and eat my lobster!

  [sees a pair of big electrical wires] 

  Frank Grimes : Oh what's this? "Extremely high voltage." Well, I don't need safety gloves, because I'm Homer Simp...

  [Grabs the wires and gets severely electrocuted and dies as the others cringe upon seeing that] 

• Homer : Good morning, fellow employee. You'll notice that I am now a model worker. We should continue this conversation later during a designated break period. Sincerely, Homer Simpson.

  Frank Grimes : [rolling his eyes, he leaves and enters the break room]  Can you believe that guy? He's in his office making a pathetic attempt to look professional.

  Carl : Hey, what do you got against Homer, anyway?

  Frank Grimes : Are you kidding? Does this whole plant have some disease where it can't see that he's an idiot? Look here.

  [indicating a chart on the bulletin board] 

  Frank Grimes : Accidents have doubled every year since he became safety inspector. A-And meltdowns have tripled. Has he been fired? No. Has he been disciplined? No, no.

  Lenny : Ah, everybody makes mistakes. That's why they put erasers on pencils.

  Carl : Yeah, Homer's okay. Give him a break.

  Frank Grimes : No! Homer is not okay. And I want everyone in this plant to realize it.

• Homer : [spinning in his chair at work]  Chair goes round, chair goes round...

  Lenny : Hey, Homie, you busy?

  Homer : Yes.

  Carl : Hey, there's a new guy at the plant. Maybe we ought to say hi to him.

  Homer : I don't know. I'm kind of dizzy. I should probably go home sick.

• Montgomery Burns : How dare you destroy my valuable wall and spill my priceless acid! Did you really think you were going to get away with it?

  Frank Grimes : I wasn't...

  Montgomery Burns : Silence! I'm going to give you one more chance. At a reduced salary. So straighten up and fly right.

• Homer Simpson : [as he is sleeping during Frank's funeral service]  Change the channel, Marge!

  [everyone laughs at Homer while Frank's casket is being placed into the ground] 

  Lenny : That's our Homer!

• Montgomery Burns : [seeing the inspiring news report of Frank Grimes]  That's the kind of man I need on my team, Smithers. A real scrapper; a self-made man like me. Bring this Grimes fellow to me. I want to make him my executive vice president.

  Waylon Smithers : Yes, sir.

  Montgomery Burns : [the next day]  Smithers, I've just seen the most heroic dog on television. He pulled a toddler from the path of a speeding car, then pushed a criminal in front of it. Find this dog. I want to make him my executive vice president.

  Waylon Smithers : Uh, yes, sir. I-In the meantime, here's Frank Grimes.

  [as Grimes offers a handshake, Burns looks on blankly] 

  Waylon Smithers : The... the self-made man?

  Montgomery Burns : What? Oh, yes, that fellow. Oh, just put him somewhere out of the way and find that dog!

• Frank Grimes : You idiot! You nearly drank a beaker full of sulfuric acid!

  Homer : Acid, eh? Gee, that would have been stupid.

  [laughing] 

  Homer : Boy, would my face have been red.

  Frank Grimes : Stop laughing, you imbecile! Don't you realize how close you just came to killing yourself?

  Montgomery Burns : [passing by]  Who did this to my wall?

  Homer : He did.

  Montgomery Burns : Is this true?

  Frank Grimes : Uh, well, uh, technically, it is true, sir, but...

  Montgomery Burns : Come with me.

  Homer : [whispering]  He likes you.

• Kent Brockman : Tonight's inspiring story is about Frank Grimes, a 35-year-old Springfieldite who's earned everything the hard way, but never let adversity get him down. Abandoned by his parents at age four, Frank never got to go to school. He spent his childhood years as a delivery boy, delivering toys to more fortunate children. Then, on his 18th birthday, he was blown up in a silo explosion. During his long recuperation, he taught himself to hear and feel pain again. As the years passed, he used his few leisure moments each day to study science by mail. And last week, Frank Grimes - the man who had to struggle for everything he ever got - received his correspondence school diploma in nuclear physics, with a minor in determination.

• Montgomery Burns : And the bold new ideas these tiny tykes unveil for us today could make thousands of jobs like yours obsolete!

  [scant applause] 

  Waylon Smithers : Our first little genius is Ralph Wiggum.

  [Ralph comes out with a Malibu Stacy Dream House, with "Malibu Stacy" crossed out and "Nuclear" written in] 

  Waylon Smithers : It's pretty good, sir.

  Montgomery Burns : Hot tub? Media room? It's supposed to be a power plant, not Aunt Beulah's bordello. Thank you. Get out. Next.

  Chief Wiggum : [Ralph stares blankly]  Uh, Ralphy, get off the stage, sweetheart.

  [Ralph leaves, and Martin enters with his model, his nose pompously in the air] 

  Martin Prince : Behold! The power plant of the future... today!

  Montgomery Burns : [groaning in distaste]  Too cold and sterile. Where's the heart?

  Martin Prince : But it really generates power. I-It's lighting this room right now.

  [as a demonstration, he turns a knob and the room's lights go down and come back up] 

  Montgomery Burns : You lose. Get off my property. Let's have the next child.

  Frank Grimes : [as Homer comes out]  Look, everybody! Simpson's in a contest with children!

  Lenny : Hey, shh!

  Carl : You're making us miss the contest.

• Lenny : hi im lenny this is carl and homer im lenny.

• Lenny : Carl and I each have a masters of course homer didn't need a degree he just shoed up the day the plant opened.