Scrubs (TV Series)

My Quarantine (2005)

Zach Braff: Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian

Photos 

Quotes 

• J.D. : So far, the highlight of the night has been putting the opossum to sleep, and that's *not* a euphemism.

• Carla : You know, on a first date, I could see what a guy was wearing and know exactly how far he was gonna get that night.

  Elliot : Oh, me, too. And THAT guy's gettin' boobies!

  [J.D. removes jacket, revealing his button up shirt to be short sleeved] 

  Elliot : Whooooa! THAT guy's gettin' a hug at the door!

  [J.D. removes button up to reveal an Electric Boogie belly shirt] 

  Elliot : And THAT guy is getting a fake name and a phone number with six digits!

  J.D. : I know how ridiculous this looks.

  Carla : I don't think you do!

• Dr. Bob Kelso : Mr. Donaldson hasn't been to Hong Kong in twenty years, so I'd bet my one remaining testicle no one has SARS. Unfortunately, by hospital policy, we have to stay locked down until the labs come back and that's going to take several hours. So, let's hang in there and not forget this is all Dr. Dorian's fault.

  [everyone glares at J.D., who makes introductions] 

  J.D. : Kylie, angry mob; angry mob, Kylie.

• J.D. : I could hear the pain in my best friend's voice and I could feel how little I cared, because by the way Kylie was looking at me, I knew she thought I was sexy.

• J.D. : Danni, I'd love to stay and talk, but I'm giving Kylie here a tour of the ICU.

  Homeless Steve : Hey, hey, hey - you were gonna take me back to the underpass.

  J.D. : After the tour! What is it with you and the underpass?

• J.D. : It's so great because the residents are practically our slaves.

  J.D. : [thought]  Ah! I just said "slave" to my new, black girlfriend!

  Kylie : Unfreeze, J.D.; it's over.

• Kylie : So, uh, what's wrong with this guy?

  J.D. : [reading the chart]  Well, let's see. Fatigue, fever, malaise... Have you been to Hong Kong, sir?

  Patient : Yeah.

  J.D. : [thought]  And then I said something stupid...

  J.D. : Could be SARS.

  J.D. : [thought]  I forgot that if any doctor suspects SARS, it's cause for immediate quarantine lock-down.

  Dr. Perry Cox : What have you done, Newbie?

  Danni Sullivan : [offering a flask]  Quaran-tinies, anyone?

• J.D. : So be honest: Is this the worst first date you've ever been on or what?

  Kylie : I don't know. I think it's kind of exciting: being in a hospital, getting to see you in action. I just wish I could be your assistant.

  J.D. : Say no more. Lonnie! Shirt!

  Lonnie : No!

  J.D. : Don't make me say "pants" - I'll do it.

  [Lonnie removes his scrub shirt and gives it to Kylie] 

  J.D. : Still tanning, I see.

  Kylie : He's your bitch, isn't he?

• Elliot : So, how's it going with Kylie?

  [J.D. motions toward Kylie, who's asleep in a chair] 

  J.D. : This sucks! I need to look like a stud and a doctor can't look like a stud unless he's saving somebody's life. I need someone to have a heart attack!

  [Homeless Steve appears] 

  Homeless Steve : Got twenty bucks?

• [standing at a patient bed over the homeless patient who threatened to expose the fake-heart-attack ruse] 

  Elliot : Wow - he is *really* out.

  J.D. : A mild sedative "fell" into his juice box.

• J.D. : JD: 1, Lord: 0.

• Elliot : So, Kylie looks like she's having fun.

  J.D. : It's a front. She's miserable. So far the highlight of the night's been putting the possum to sleep -- and that's not a euphemism.

• J.D. : Carla, when you first started dating Turk, didn't you tell him you loved watching NBA basketball every weekend?

  Carla : Yeah.

  J.D. : And how many games have you watched since he proposed?

  Carla : One. But only because that time he made me choose between watching basketball or having sex.

• Elliot : Look, J.D... I know why you're lying about everything. You don't think you're good enough for Kylie. I mean, you've always had this insecure thing even though you're this funny, weird, amazing guy. I mean... that's why I fell in love with you, and I'm betting if you just act like yourself, Kylie will too.

  J.D. : Thanks, Elliot. Really. But that's a load of crap, because nobody is themselves when they start dating. Dating is just acting like you're somebody you're not until the person likes you enough so you can show 'em who you really are.

  Elliot : No, it's not.

  J.D. : What do you call that bra you wore for your date last week?

  Elliot : Oh, the Miracle Lift Super Push-Up bra?