- The Janitor: Hey! We solved your dumb game.
- Troy: We been to the libary!
- The Janitor: -brary... Troy! Library! Anyway, what two coins, when you put 'em together, make 30 cents and one of them isn't a nickel? Uhm... A penny and a 1972 dime with a Roosevelt imperfection, today worth exactly 29 cents.
- Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: No, no no. The correct answer is a quarter and a nickel.
- The Janitor: Uhm, no, because you said one of them isn't a nickel.
- Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Right. The other one is.
- The Janitor: You lied to me.
- Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: No. It's a riddle.
- [leaves]
- Troy: [to the Janitor] Uh, your face is red like a strawberry!
- The Janitor: ...Don't have kids.
- Dr. Elliot Reid: [to herself] What's wrong with me? Here I am, trying not to let fear rule my life anymore, and then... Sean moves away and i don't even have the guts to tell him how I feel...
- Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: [to himself] ... how I feel. I mean, life's too short not to go for it with Elliot. Plus, now Sean's out of the picture. Stop being such a chicken!
- Dr. Christopher Turk: [to himself] Stop being suck a chicken! I know it's a complicated procedure, but I can do it without Carla, there. What am I so scared of?
- Dr. Perry Cox: [to himself] What am I so scared of? That I might actually get this job and have no one to blame it on if I fail? Good Lord, I'm pathetic... When was the last time...
- Nurse Carla Espinosa: [to herself] When was the last time he ever apologized for anything? I wanna help him, I do... but in a lot of ways I guess I'm as stubborn as he is. I wish I could make sense out of this...
- The Janitor: [to himself] I wish I could make sense out of this. 30 cents, to be exact... damn riddle! Easy, Janitor... you'll get this.
- Dr. Christopher Turk: Scalpel.
- Nurse Carla Espinosa: Scalpel what?
- Dr. Christopher Turk: Scalpel, please...
- Nurse Carla Espinosa: Here you go, baby. Sorry... Dr Baby
- [giggles]
- Dr. Wen: Shall we proceed, Dr Baby?
- Nurse Carla Espinosa: You know, papi, this guy looks a lot like your waxer.
- Dr. Todd Quinlan: The Todd says, what now?
- Dr. Christopher Turk: Nothing! She meant her waxer cos... We're... We're working, guys!
- Dr. Wen: No no no, I wanna hear this.
- Nurse Carla Espinosa: It's no big deal... I make Turk wax his chest so he doesn't give me a rash.
- Dr. Todd Quinlan: Oh, OK... does she also make you wax your vagina?
- [loughs, then, to Dr Wen]
- Dr. Todd Quinlan: Sterile high-five!
- Dr. Perry Cox: Say, Newbie, seeing as you are partially responsible for me being the new residency director, I'm gonna go ahead and give you the rest of the night off. I--I--I--I don't know, it's just kind of my own personal way of saying... I can't actually stand the sight of you. Ha.
- Dr. Bob Kelso: Well, well well... snip my pickle and call me Shlomo! You're not actually applying for residency director?
- Dr. Perry Cox: Oh, I don't know, Bob. Here I Like to think I've accomplished plenty of things much more difficult than this. Why, just yesterday morning I somehow managed to hack into your voice-mail and change the outgoing message to "Hi, this is Big Bob. Why, I'm not in right now, but at the beep leave your name and your penis size".
- Dr. Bob Kelso: Perry, have you ever wondered why you've never risen above clinical staff at this hospital? I mean, come on, pal... who do you think the board listens to concerning promotions around here? Why don't I tell you after the beep?
- Dr. Jeffrey Steadman: Beep!
- Dr. Bob Kelso: Bob Kelso. Ten inches.
- Dr. Jeffrey Steadman: It's like a baguette...
- Dr. Elliot Reid: So, J.D. and I slept together. It's not that big a deal.
- Sean Kelly: You know Betty from work - I see her every day, right? How would you feel if I told you *we* slept together?
- Dr. Elliot Reid: Well, I'd be disturbed, Sean, because Betty is a harp seal.
- Sean Kelly: Yeah, but a harp seal who's smart, funny, and totally gets me!
- Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Uh, listen, while I have you here -- I'm applying for a fellowship, and I could really use a letter of recommendation. I was thinking that, when you wrote it, instead of using a girl's name you could refer to me as "Dr. Dorian." I think it sounds a little more professional and, frankly, each time you call me a girl's name, I die a little inside.
- Dr. Perry Cox: Look, Janice, Denise, Tiffany Amber Thiiiieeeessen! Lemme go ahead and share a little something special with you that I like to call Perry's Perspective. One: If someone's standing in front of me in line at the coffee shop and they can't decide what they want in the half an hour it took to get to the register, I should be allowed to kill them. Two: I'm fairly sure if they took porn off the internet, there'd only be one website left, and it'd be called "Bring back the porn!" Three and most importantly of all: The only way to be respected as a doctor -- nay, respected as a man -- is to be an island; you are born alone, you damn sure die alone.
- [Addressing a body bag being wheeled past]
- Dr. Perry Cox: Isn't that right, spike?
- [to J.D]
- Dr. Perry Cox: The point is, and you just might want to jot this down: only the weak need help.
- Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: I should get that tattooed on my neck.
- Dr. Perry Cox: Just a real nice helmet, there, princess.
- Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Actually, it's not a helmet, it's a Hairmet -- it has extra room so you don't mess up your hairdo.
- Dr. Perry Cox: Fair enough. I'm gonna go ahead and write you a prescription for two testicles; and you feel free to get this filled out whenever you want.
- Dr. Perry Cox: Our nanny just walked out the door. Gimme a break -- she's experienced, she has great credentials... .
- Jordan: Oh, no, no, she's got great, huge, perky credentials. She's out.
- Dr. Perry Cox: I've actually been thinking about going after that residency director job.
- Jordan: Residency director?
- Dr. Perry Cox: Yeah-heah!
- Jordan: But Perry, you realize if you did that, you would be taking a positive step in your life.
- Dr. Perry Cox: I... I know.
- Jordan: Quick: First place we made love?
- Dr. Perry Cox: Oh, gimme a break. We've never... "made love."
- Jordan: Whew, it is you. I'm so proud I could poo.
- The Janitor: Okay, come on: Two coins. Thirty cents. No nickels.
- [to self]
- The Janitor: Come on! You can do this! You went to Harvard, for God's sake!
- Troy: Relax! I figured it out.
- The Janitor: [Troy pushes his solution over to the Janitor] Okay... . You gave me a penny... and... what appears to be a button, on which you've written twenty-nine cents.
- Troy: Can't we just kill him?
- The Janitor: [sly] No, no, no... . That's what he wants us to do.
- The Janitor: Hey. C'mere a sec -- we wanna do stuff to you.
- Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: [Voice over] Crap. The Janitor. And he's with Sloppy Joe Guy! Okay, just distract them before they do whatever they've got planned!
- The Janitor: We were thinkin'... .
- Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: I've got a riddle for you!
- Troy: [to Janitor] This isn't how you said it would go.
- The Janitor: Troy!
- [to J.D]
- The Janitor: We're listening.
- Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Two coins add up to thirty cents and one of them is not a nickel.
- The Janitor: So what are they?
- Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: It's a RIDDLE. You figure it out.
- The Janitor: [J.D. leaves] Troy, get your hat. We're going to the bank.
- Dr. Elliot Reid: And now you hate me.
- Sean Kelly: Elliot, I don't... I don't hate you. Okay? I'm--I'm not even that mad at you.
- Dr. Elliot Reid: You're not?
- Sean Kelly: No. How do I explain this... . You know when you have really bad news to give to someone? So you try to make them look like the bad guy by taking a small thing and blowing it way out of proportion?
- Dr. Elliot Reid: [smiling] Totally. So glad that has nothing to do with us!
- Sean Kelly: Elliot, the trip that I'm leaving on tomorrow... it's actually a lot longer than I let on.
- Dr. Elliot Reid: What, like three days?
- Sean Kelly: No... .
- Dr. Elliot Reid: Four days?
- Sean Kelly: Six months.
- Dr. Elliot Reid: [heartbroken] ... Five days?