- Dr. Christopher Turk: You kissed my wife!
- Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: [J.D.'s narration] I miss the silence.
- Dr. Christopher Turk: Did you like it?
- Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Well that's kind of a trick question, Turk. I mean if I say yes, it's like I'm saying: damn dude, your wife is hot & I'd like to get me some of that. But if I say no then I'm all like: yo, I know she's your wife but you can keep that fish-lipped bitty.
- Dr. Elliot Reid: She's a teenage girl, that's an awkward time. You know, your breasts are growing... not always symmetrically. You like boys. Maybe one gives you a ride home, you think something's gonna happen but it doesn't and that just makes it official that you're a lop-sided freak! Happy ending though; lefty caught up in college.
- Dr. Perry Cox: Barbie! I have a finite amount of brain space and your inspiring story of the little breast who couldn't just pushed out my memory of the 1980 Olympic Hockey team's victory at Lake Placid. Miracle on Ice -
- [whistles]
- Dr. Perry Cox: gone!
- Dr. Elliot Reid: With all due respect, Dr. Cox, maybe I should talk to her.
- Dr. Perry Cox: With no due respect whatsoever, why?
- Dr. Perry Cox: Oh hey there wait 'til you get a load of this, they're giving me a teaching award tonight so I'm gonna need you to go ahead and holster up 'the twins' as you'll be playing the role of arm-candy.
- Jordan: [Barely moving her lips, Jordan speaks] Yeah, I'm not going. If I wanna hear someone go on & on about how great you are, I'll just listen to you during sex.
- Dr. Perry Cox: I'm hearing the hate but I'm not seeing the hate. You...
- [Realizes]
- Dr. Perry Cox: Oh my God. Did you Botox you face into an expressionless mask?
- Jordan: Pedro called me ma'am.
- Dr. Perry Cox: Ah damn it Jordan, come on. Now you know I'm generally OK with you putting any poison you want into your body, but this is the first time I've ever won anything!
- Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Dude, who do you think you're talking to? You think you've been the world's greatest husband? Please, I was there when you were flirting with your ex-girlfriend and neglected to tell her you were married. I was there when you tried to hook up with that waitress, the day before you got engaged. And I was definitely there when you hooked up with that nasty ass stripper at Boobies, Boobies, Boobies.
- Dr. Christopher Turk: That wasn't me, that was you!
- Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: I know but I told her my name was Turk.
- Dr. Elliot Reid: I don't understand why you're butting in on my patients, you know outside of your usual arrogance & God complex.
- Dr. Perry Cox: I don't know what you're talking about.
- [He extends his arm to a doctor at the counter]
- Dr. Perry Cox: Kiss my ring.
- Janitor: Dr. Kelso, while I got you here, I need to discuss a hospital matter of grave importance.
- Dr. Bob Kelso: What is it?
- Janitor: I'm not happy with my uniform.
- Dr. Bob Kelso: Ahh new Janitor uniforms, top priority. Right up there with silk jammies for the patients and a cat door for the ICU.
- Janitor: I made some sketches.
- Dr. Bob Kelso: [He hands a nearby sketchpad to Kelso] This one has a cape!
- Janitor: That gives me the option of fighting crime. After work, of course.
- [He flips the page]
- Janitor: Now this one, got sort of a medieval thing going.
- Dr. Bob Kelso: Is he on a horse?
- Janitor: It's his steed, sir.
- [Flips page]
- Janitor: That's for clean-ups in outer space.
- [Flips page]
- Janitor: This one's outer space, evening wear.
- [Flips page]
- Janitor: This one's just a kangaroo... sometimes I draw kangaroos.
- Dr. Bob Kelso: You know I could look at the demented crayon scratchings of a madman all day, but I got a hospital to run.
- Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: But hey, thanks for taking the hit on this one.
- Nurse Carla Espinosa: Me? Na-a na-a, you're his best friend, all you have to do is say "I'm sorry", high-five him, and go "DAAAAHHHHH!"
- Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Oh but all you have to do is have sex with him and he'll forgive you. If I have sex with him, he'll probably end up madder.