- Mary Gross: So why don't you would-be assassins take this suggestion: next time you're looking for someone to kill, pick up your gun and use it on yourself.
- SNL Newsbreak Anchor: In other news, this week saw major developments in Western Europe's monetary systems, including the devaluation of several currencies. Hardest hit was the Italian Lire, which will now be worth only 8/10th of a bucket of warm spit.