- Norm MacDonald: How did I go, in a year and a half, from being not funny enough to be even allowed in the building, to being so funny that I'm now hosting the show? How did I suddenly get so goddamn funny? It was inexplicable to me, because a year and a half, let's face it, is not enough time for a dude to learn how to be funny. Then it occurred to me, I haven't gotten funnier, the show has gotten really bad! So, yeah, I'm funny compared to, you know, well, you'll see later. Okay, so let's recap, the bad news is: I'm still not funny. The good news is: the show blows! Alright, folks, we've got a bad show for you tonight! Dr. Dre, Snoop Doggie Dogg and Eminem are here. We'll be right back!
- Calista Flockhart: I-I want a-a career a-a-and a husband a-and children, and I want passionate sex! And I want to be small enough to sleep in an envelope. I'm not asking for too much. I think I'm asking for just right.
- Alex Trebek: French Stewart? The sound a dog makes.
- French Stewart: Um... Who is John Cafferty and the Beaver Brown Band, thank you very much. I'll take Animal Sounds for 800.
- Alex Trebek: No. Good Lord. We would've accepted "bow wow" or "ruff."
- Sean Connery: Oh, rough. Just the way your mother likes it, Trebek?
- Burt Reynolds: [selecting "A Petit Dejuner" from the list] Yeah, well, why don't you give me, eh, why don't give you me ape tit for $200.
- Alex Trebek: [Burt Reynolds has changed his name to "Turd Ferguson" and buzzes in] Burt Reynolds.
- Burt Reynolds: That's not my name.
- Alex Trebek: Okay, "Turd Ferguson".
- Burt Reynolds: [laughs] Yeah, whaddaya want?
- Alex Trebek: You buzzed in!
- Burt Reynolds: No, I didn't.
- Alex Trebek: Yes, you did.
- Burt Reynolds: Yeah, well, that's your opinion.
- Alex Trebek: Ok, let's move on to Final Jeopardy, and the category is, you know what, I'll tell you what, just write a number. Any number. Any number and you win.
- [Final Jeopardy theme kicks in]
- Alex Trebek: We'll accept any number, any number at all,
- [French Stewart writes]
- Alex Trebek: a 1, or a 2,
- [Burt Reynolds adjusts his hat and suit]
- Alex Trebek: or a 3, or how about a 4? It's that simple, I know you can do this
- [Sean Connery writes and counts his fingers]
- Alex Trebek: Let's start with French Stewart, who's grinning like an idiot. You look pretty sure of yourself, think you've got the right answer?
- French Stewart: Yes, I'm pretty sure of it Alex.
- Alex Trebek: Well, all you had to do was write a number, and you wrote..."Threeve". A combination of three and five, simply stunning. And you wagered... Texas with a dollar sign in front of it. I'm speechless.
- French Stewart: No I did not get the answers from anyone else, it all came from Mr. Stewart's noggin up here.
- [points to his head]
- Alex Trebek: That's beautiful. Mr. Reynolds?
- Burt Reynolds: Yeah, Don't bother, I didn't write anything.
- Alex Trebek: Good work, all right. Finally, Mr. Connery, the category was "Numbers", and you wrote
- [board reveals a letter v]
- Alex Trebek: A Letter V. Well, I tell you what my friend, V is a Roman Numeral, so despite your best efforts, you answered correctly. Let's see what you wagered...
- Alex Trebek: [board reveals V to be part of "K" in "Suck it Trebek"] Suck it Trebek.
- Sean Connery: [Connery breaks into wild laughter] Hahahahahaha!
- Alex Trebek: That's all the time we have... Good night...
- [raises voice as Burt Reynolds puts an oversized hat on Trebek]
- Alex Trebek: Would you get that off me?
- Burt Reynolds: That was a funny dog, Scooby-Doo. He rode around in a van and, eh, solved mysteries.
- Alex Trebek: That is incorrect.
- Burt Reynolds: No, it's correct. I remember he had a pal, Scrappy-Doo.
- Alex Trebek: Before we begin the Double Jeopardy round, I'd like to ask our contestants once again to please refrain from using ethnic slurs.
- Alex Trebek: This is the sound a doggy makes.
- [Sean Connery rings in]
- Alex Trebek: Mr. Connery?
- Sean Connery: Moo.
- Alex Trebek: No.
- Sean Connery: Well, that's the sound your mother made last night.