Saturday Night Live (TV Series)

Martin Short/No Doubt (1996)

Norm MacDonald: Various, Weekend Update Anchor, Burt Reynolds

Quotes 

• Weekend Update Anchor : According to researchers in Australia, koala bears have fingerprints so close to those of human beings, that they could easily be mistaken by police at the scene of a crime. It should be noted, however, that the research was funded by O.J. Simpson.

• Weekend Update Anchor : The New York Post has reported that Michael Jackson wants his closest friend in the world, Elizabeth Taylor, to be the godmother of his child. However, those close to the pair worry that this could eventually lead to heated arguments over whether the child will be molested or eaten.

• Alex Trebek : Welcome to Celebrity Jeopardy. We got 3 wonderful celebrities playing for charity. Let's meet them. Sean Connery, Burt Reynolds, and finally, comedy legend Jerry Lewis.

  Jerry Lewis : May I tell you what a joy it is to be here? It's super-duper.

  Alex Trebek : Good luck to all 3 of you. What do you say we take a look at our board. The categories are: celebrities, potpourri, popular music, movies, potent potables, U.S. history, and finally "S" words, which are words that begin with the letter S. Mr. Connery, it's your turn.

  Sean Connery : Uh-- I'll, I'll take movies for 400.

  [Audience laughing] 

  Alex Trebek : The answer is: John Travolta learned how to dance for this 1977 hit movie.

  [Connery rings in his podium] 

  Alex Trebek : Mr. Connery?

  Sean Connery : That would be Jaws.

  Alex Trebek : No. Jaws is incorrect. And please answer in the form of a question.

  [Reynolds rings in] 

  Alex Trebek : Burt Reynolds?

  Burt Reynolds : What is Jaws?

  Alex Trebek : No. That was already guessed.

  [Lewis rings in] 

  Alex Trebek : Mr. Lewis?

  Jerry Lewis : If I remember correctly, Alex, that would be dancing for LADIES, YEAH. I had to go for it.

  Alex Trebek : No. That is incorrect also. The correct answer is what is Saturday Night Fever. Heads up, players. Sean Connery, it's still your board.

  Sean Connery : Uh, I'll take swords for 400.

  Alex Trebek : It's actually not swords. These are words that begin with S. The answer is: Popeye is this sort of man.

  [Reynolds ring in] 

  Alex Trebek : Mr. Reynolds?

  Burt Reynolds : What is Popeye?

  Alex Trebek : No.

  [Connery rings in] 

  Alex Trebek : Mr. Connery, and remember these are words that begin with the letter S, not swords.

  Sean Connery : Seba!

  Alex Trebek : No.

  Sean Connery : He beat a gun with a bloody S.

  Alex Trebek : [Lewis rings in]  Mr. Lewis?

  Jerry Lewis : I got the answer, Alex. They beat the people who run the studios this week.

  Alex Trebek : Times up. I'm sorry, Mr. Lewis, Times up. What is sailor, was the correct response. Tough starts for everyone. All 3 celebrities are 800 dollars down.

  Sean Connery : How the hell am I going to pay you with a bloody 800 dollars!

  Alex Trebek : Please, rest a shirt, Mr. Connery. This is for charity. It's not for your own money. And it is still your board.

  Sean Connery : I'll take movies for 200.

  Alex Trebek : This racing movie with Dom Deluise told us that yes cannonballs can run.

  [no one buzzes in] 

  Alex Trebek : Cannonballs can run. Burt, you might want to guess this.

  [Reynolds buzzes in] 

  Alex Trebek : Burt Reynolds.

  Burt Reynolds : Shakespeare.

  Alex Trebek : No.

  [Lewis rings in] 

  Alex Trebek : Jerry Lewis.

  Jerry Lewis : Cannon ball...

  Alex Trebek : It sounds like you might have the right answer. Did you say cannon?

  Jerry Lewis : Cannon.

  Alex Trebek : Now say balls.

  Jerry Lewis : Balls.

  Alex Trebek : Put them together.

  Jerry Lewis : Cannonball, hiya!

  Alex Trebek : Ok, let's just move on. Burt, would you pick a category?

  Sean Connery : Pick swords.

  Burt Reynolds : Sure, give me swords.

  Alex Trebek : It's S words, it's S words! And for how much, Mr. Reynolds?

  Burt Reynolds : Swords for 48,000.

  Alex Trebek : We're not doing swords!