- Weekend Update Anchor: This human interest item: According to a new compatibility study of married couples, only 25% of husbands kiss their wife goodbye when they leave their house. However, 99% kiss their house goodbye when they leave their wife.
- Ike Turner: Kevin Nealon.. be my Valentine?
- Weekend Update Anchor: Ike, it was not meant to be.
- Ike Turner: Come on, Kevin Nealon, take me back, baby! I fixed the candy, look, just give me a chance, I got a song for you, Kevin Nealon!
- Weekend Update Anchor: Ike, I don't know, it, it's been a long time..
- Ike Turner: Come on, baby! We can do it again, we can be the best! Ain't nobody gonna stop us - Ike and Kevin Nealon!
- Scoutmaster Armstrong: I have to apologise for my hairy chest, it can be a little scratchy.
- Canteen Boy: Yeah, my mom might like it, then, she's a big Tom Selleck fan, heh heh.
- Ray Combs: Alright! Let's meet our second family! Say hello to the Baldwins! Alright, Alec, it says that you're a movie star from Hollywood, California!
- Alec Baldwin: That's correct, Ray.
- Ray Combs: And who do you have with you today?
- Alec Baldwin: Uh, my wife, Kim, she's also a movie star from Hollywood; and, uh, my brother, Billy, he's a movie star; my brother Stephen is also a movie star.
- Stephen Baldwin: Yo!
- Alec Baldwin: And, uh, filling in for my brother, Danny, is my cousin, author James Baldwin.
- James Baldwin: It is my distinct pleasure to play the Feud.
- Jimmy Five Times: I'm gonna get the papers, get the papers, get the papers, get the papers, get the papers.