- Captain Reynolds: Well, I guess you colored don't know that we find the term 'sissy' offensice. We now prefere to be called 'fairies'.
- Captain: And I suppose that you fairies hadn't heard that we find the term 'colored' offensive, and we now prefer the more dignified 'boy'.
- Announcer: Now, get ready for a man who's so black, his shadow can't find him. Step back, 'cause here comes Nat!
- Perry White: Great Caesar's ghost! For the first time in 30 years I find myself at a loss for words... Great Caesar's ghost! What can I say about... Superman? He only called me 'Chief' once and I told him "Don't call me chief" and he never did it again... Great Caesar's ghost! I can't believe he's gone!
- Bill Clinton: George, look at me.
- George Bush: What?
- Bill Clinton: You're angry because you lost.
- George Bush: Nice work, Sherlock. Now why don't you go figure out why your wife's a lesbian? That's right, we had pictures, didn't use 'em.
- Bill Clinton: I know you said that to hurt me, but by lying, you only hurt yourself.
- George Bush: Yeah, you're right, we, we didn't have pictures. We doctored some up, but he head was too big for that little body there.
- Nat X: Now, my first guest tonight is the envy of most men in America, because he is known to have slept with Janet Jackson. Please welcome her father, Joe Jackson!
- Nat X: [to Joe Jackson] Now I can understand smacking LaToya.. but why would you hit Tito? He never hurt nobody!
- Weekend Update Anchor: Barbara Bush welcomed Hillary Clinton to the White House this week, greeted her with a warm, motherly embrace, took her into the Executive Mansion, and then gave her a spanking she'll never forget.