- Mario Cuomo: Now, I could stand here and talk about the inaccuracy of polling, or the subjective nature of the process, but that's not the real issue here! The real issue is vert simple: I have mob ties.
- Weekend Update Anchor: Monoxidil, the hair growing drug sold under the name Rogaine is now being used as a mace substitute. You spray it in the face of the attacker, his eyebrows grow over his eyes, obstructing his vision. Unfortunately the FDA claims it must be used on the attacker religiously twice a day for 6 months before there's any noticeable results.
- Dale Robbin: That's not a question, that's just blatant brown nosing. Another minus 5.
- Larry Turner: I'm not ashamed, I'd do it again.
- Tipper Gore: [during Campaign '92: The Race To Avoid Being The Guy Who Loses To Bush] My husband is with our kids at a gay porno theater.
- Weekend Update Anchor: A 22,000 pound steel sculpture entitled "Hammering Man" was twisted and bent when it felt atop, eh, fell atop a crane that was hoisting it into the Seattle Art Museum this week. The sculpture will now be entitled "Twisted and bent when it fell atop a crane that was hoisting it Man."