- Glemn Close: [William Hurt has given Glenn Close a less than flattering introduction] Thanks, Bill. Bill, can I introduce you when you host the show?
- William Hurt: Oh Glennie, I would never host this show.
- Master Thespian: Dear diary, woe is me! Tonight, I open in "Romeo and Juliet, the Later Years". Shakespeare's true version, in which the ill-fated lovers do not meet until middle age.
- Announcer: [at the start of the videotape "A Fantasy Dinner Date with Hans & Franz"] FBI warning: Hear me now and believe me later. The following is licensed for private use only. Any reproduction or re-broadcast will result in serious pummeling.
- Weekend Update Anchor: Have you spoken to Andy Ridgeley lately?
- George Michael: What about my butt? Look at it! You can't take your eyes off it, can you? It's hypnotic. Try to look away, you can't look away!
- Dennis Miller: [singing an off-key, parodied version of Cat Stevens' "Moonshadow."] I'm being followed by a big Muslim, big Muslim, big Muslim. Biiiig Muslim, Big Muslim!
- [smirks at cheering audience, goes on to sing "Father and Son"]
- Dennis Miller: If it was them, I'd agree, but it was not me, it's so hard, so hard, and now I must go away.
- [turns to other camera, smirking while audience cheers]
- Dennis Miller: [swings chair back around to face other camera, this time singing "Wild World"] Ooooooh, baby, baby, it's a wild world!
- [makes guitar sound]
- Dennis Miller: Ba-na-na-na-na!