- Ruthie: I'm so tired when I get home from work, All I wanna do is just put some clothes on and relax.
- Gladys Ormphby: Oh, my poor baby, come here and let me kiss you!
- Buffalo Bill: Ah, hasn't my poor body been through enough today?
- Jimmy Coco: There are a great many things wrong with Television today, but since we're short of time, here are just two of them: Dan Rowan and Dick Martin.
- Announcer: This message, that this program has been prerecorded, has been prerecorded. This has been a prerecorded message, hello.
- Gladys Ormphby: Buffalo, why didn't you offer then my body instead?
- Buffalo Bill: I did, I did girl, that's why they tortured me!
- Announcer: [off screen] And now the Laugh-In News, with Ann Sothern up North, Mr. and Mrs. North down South, Adam West back East, Clint Eastwood out Westward, with a pickle in the middle and the mustard on top.
- The Senator: Some people feel that congressmen should serve a four year term. But I say: not unless they get caught.