- Barbara Sharma: What do 1492 and 1776 have in common?
- Tim Conway: They're adjoining suites at the Burbank Hotel.
- Barbara Sharma: You're cute, Tim, but you're dumb.
- Linda Redfearn: Hey, Paleface, what's your biggest holiday?
- Johnny Brown: [in mock Native American voice] Mmm, the day commemorating full equality for my people.
- Linda Redfearn: What day is that?
- Johnny Brown: [in normal voice] Tomorrow would be a gas!
- Barbara Sharma: The finest man I ever knew, was President Spiro Agnew. See you next week, Mister President.
- Arte Johnson: Did you hear the tragic story about the old woman who lived in a shoe?
- Dick Martin: No, what about her?
- Arte Johnson: She died of athlete's house.