- D.J.: Was I an accident?
- Roseanne: No, D.J., you were a surprise.
- D.J.: Oh. What's the difference?
- Roseanne: Well, an accident is something that you wouldn't do over again if you had the chance. A surprise is something you didn't even know you wanted until you got it.
- D.J.: Oh. Was Darlene an accident?
- Dan: No, Darlene was a disaster.
- Jackie Harris: Are you sure Dan doesn't know?
- Roseanne Conner: No, he thinks I'm right on schedule.
- Jackie Harris: How did you manage that?
- Roseanne Conner: I faked PMS. I even added an extra day for the heck of it.
- Dan Conner: Word of advice from a man okay? Don't say a word until you do the test. You don't want to upset the guy if you don't have to.
- Roseanne Conner: I was saying that very same thing, you know. I was saying if it does come up positive, the best way to do it is short, sweet, and right to the point. You know, kinda like, I'm pregnant, Dan.
- Dan Conner: Gary.
- Roseanne Conner: Dan.
- Dan Conner: Gary.
- Roseanne Conner: Dan.
- Dan Conner: Gary!
- Becky Conner: You did forget, I can't believe it!
- Dan Conner: [to Darlene] A little help.
- Darlene Conner: [imitates driving a car, crashing the car, and sirens blaring]
- Dan Conner: Oh, yeah, your driving lesson.
- Dan Conner: [discussing the kids] None of them look like me.
- Roseanne Conner: That won't stand up in court, Dan.
- Dan Conner: Damn.
- Jackie Harris: I think Dan is pretty sure this test is going to be positive.
- Roseanne Conner: I don't know why, I've only been late 3 times in my life.
- [Becky and Darlene enter]
- Roseanne Conner: And look, here are two of them now.
- Jackie Harris: What's the rush?
- Roseanne Conner: You told me to hold my first urine of the morning, I've been holding it for seven hours!
- Becky Conner: I guess you wouldn't understand where I'm coming from because when YOU were 16, you had a car!
- Roseanne Conner: That may have something to do with the fact that when I was 16 I had a JOB.
- Roseanne Conner: There's not going to be a next time. I'm going to get myself fixed.
- Dan Conner: What, you mean surgery?
- Roseanne Conner: No, I'm going to have my knees sewn together.
- Roseanne Conner: [Dan goes to work on the toaster] The toaster's not even broken, he just doesn't want to have to think about any of it.
- Crystal Anderson: Maybe you should go after him.
- Roseanne Conner: No, let him nail something else for a change.
- Crystal Anderson: [Roseanne is worried to tell Dan she might be pregnant] Well, how'd you tell him about your other kids?
- Roseanne Conner: Well, with Becky I said "Dan, get a job," then with Darlene I said "Dan, get a better job."
- Crystal Anderson: And DJ?
- Roseanne Conner: Ugh. Do I have to tell him about DJ?
- Roseanne Conner: [addressing everyone] I'm only going to say this once. If this test turns out to be positive, I expect your full support. I'm not even going to ask, you're just going to give it. I know you can do it, just pretend you're some other family.