- Roseanne Conner: [rips the tape off Soba's mouth revealing a ball gag was also in her mouth] Are you okay?
- Soba: [feeling her mouth] Uh huh.
- Roseanne Conner: Well you're in America no, nobody can shut you up, and you don't have to wear a ball in your mouth unless you get off on it.
- Beverly Harris: I can't believe it, I survived a World War, the Korean War... well technically that wasn't a war, it was a police sanction.
- Roseanne Conner: Oh my God I can't believe I'm going to die like this. That carnival psychic was right!
- Lee: [Roseanne's grinding his beard into the blades of an eggbeater] No! Not the beard! I need it! I have no chin!
- Lee: You will never make it: your family is 9 cars back, each car with 8 guards, each guard with 7 guns, each gun with 6 bullets.
- Roseanne Conner: Didn't anybody ever tell you that girls can't do math?
- [leaves him pinned to the wall]
- Roseanne Conner: Terrorists don't really bother me, after all I did raise two teenaged daughters in the same house at the same time.
- Mark Healy: [about the terrorist] Hey, you know, if he wasn't holding a machine gun and there weren't a bunch of other terrorists around, and I wasn't sober, oh, I'd kick his ass!
- Jackie Harris: [after being locked up by the terrorists] We don't even know why they're doing this. What is it that they want?
- Dr. Bakshi: They want me.
- [everyone is silent, D.J. then rushes to the door]
- D.J. Conner: Hey! Hey! Hey, we got him in here! We got him in here!
- [pounds on the door]
- Jackie Harris: D.J., they KNOW he's in here!
- Jackie Harris: What is going on, Dr. Bakshi?
- Dr. Bakshi: Those men are terrorists from the country of Monostan. I was going to give a speech at the UN denouncing their country for their horrible record on human rights. This is their attempt to silence me.
- Mark Healy: Okay, okay, there's just one thing I don't understand here. Okay, what's the UN? You talk, mister!
- Dr. Bakshi: The UN is the United Nations. I was going to speak before the General Assembly and the speech would have been on every television in every home throughout the world.
- Mark Healy: You mean like Baywatch?
- D.J. Conner: We got to get out of here. Mom's all by herself.
- Mark Healy: She's not alone. She's surrounded by terrorists.
- D.J. Conner: Let's play a game.
- Mark Healy: Well, how about hangman?
- D.J. Conner: [sarcastically] Oh, yeah, great, Mark, hangman! That's really gonna make us forget about DYING!
- Mark Healy: Someone needs to take control of this situation right now! Someone with their wits about them. And I guess it's gonna be me!
- Dr. Bakshi: Excuse me for being presumptuous. I've only known you for two days, but... you're an imbecile.
- Mark Healy: So?
- Mark Healy: How about this then? I'll say a word and then we'll each add a word until we get a sentence, okay? Ready? I'm...
- Beverly Harris: Going...
- D.J. Conner: To...
- Jackie Harris: DIE!
- Roseanne Conner: You people are barbarians! In this country we don't spill blood to shut women up, we do it with diet, fashion and psychiatry!