- [David sees Darlene crying after they broke up]
- David: Are you crying? I didn't know you could do that.
- Molly Tilden: David, you're cute, and you're smart, and you deserve someone who doesn't sleep hanging upside-down.
- Dan Conner: [trying to get rid of company] We're out of coffee, Bev, I think we're out of coffee. Yeah, we're out of coffee, and tea, there's no tea. Come to think of it, we don't have anything to eat or drink in the house, and we're out of toilet paper.
- [slumps into a chair to emphasize how tired he is]
- Bev Harris: [the girls are curious if their Mom is seeing Jake, from her retirement community] Please, girls, I'm not in the market. I spent forty years taking care of your father, and I'm not going to do that again.
- Roseanne Conner: Well relax, in forty years, all that guy's gonna need is just an occasional mowing.
- Roseanne Conner: And, Ma, I forgot to tell you, um. Dan wanted you to, um, come bowling with us tonight.
- Bev Harris: I'd love to. I'm sure I've still got one of your father's balls around somewhere.
- Jake: Alimony wasn't enough?
- Darlene Conner: [wants D.J. to keep his mouth shut about a secret he learned] Well, there's a couple ways we can deal with this. I could grab you by the ears and bang your head against the wall, which is getting a little old; or, for the first time in your life, you can act like an adult, which is not going be easy with that haircut.
- Dan Conner: David, you better tell us what you're fighting about.
- Roseanne Conner: Yeah, 'cause it's no fun 'til we can take sides.
- Roseanne Conner: [after hearing what David did to make Darlene mad] Oh, David, I'm so sorry that your last meal's going to be meatloaf.
- Darlene Conner: Not boyfriend, ex-boyfriend. I'm trapped in this house with my ex-boyfriend.
- Dan Conner: Well, you should've thought of that before you ask him to move in here.
- Darlene Conner: I'm only sixteen! Why were you listening to me?
- Jake: Oh, Beverly. Don't stop me if you've heard this one before. Did you read about the lady who was so in love with the priest, she followed him around the church, and grabbed him by the organ?
- Bev Harris: [making a disgusted face] You put your teeth in that mouth!