Quotes

Rimmer: Maybe you haven't noticed this, but we're gonna be spending the next two years in the Brig. Two years with the scum of the universe; hardened criminals; deranged droids. People so unbalanced and debauched they couldn't even get elected as President of the United States.

Rimmer: Thornton.

MP Thornton: No-one's allowed in there, Rimmer. Beat it.

Rimmer: Angus Thornton. Age 36. Middle name : Lionel. Inside leg measurement 29, neck size 16. Circumsised.

MP Thornton: How d'you know all this?!

Rimmer: Jazz fan. Good credit rating. Once admitted to hospital totally naked and attached to...

[Rimmer leans towards Thornton and whispers...]

Rimmer: ...the suction end of a vacuum cleaner.

MP Thornton: This is slanderous. Filthy, stinking, slanderous slime that you just made up! Who told you?

Rimmer: Want all the crew to know? Take a cigarette break. Five minutes.

Lister: Just do the smegging dance and we'll be out of here in a jiffy.

The Cat: Dance? With her, I'd have trouble walking. I'm powering up.

First Ground Controller: This is Ground Control to Midget Three. You don't appear to have flight clearance. Please state your name and clearance code.

The Cat: Ground Control, this is... uh...

Lister: [whispers] Major Tom.

The Cat: ...Major Tom.

Kryten: Oh, my.

Lister: What is it?

Kryten: I don't believe I'm here.

Kochanski: I have that feeling all the time.

Kryten: I have it... I believe we're in some kind of computer-manipulated, psycho-tropically-induced mind state.

Holly: You took the words right out of my mouth.

Holly: If I'm so stupid, if I'm computer-senile, explain this then.

The Cat: ...Explain what?

Holly: You can't, can you!

[Rimmer quickly hides the tube that has the sexual magnetism virus in it]

Captain Hollister: Where's the other one?

Rimmer: I'm afraid I lost it, sir.

Captain Hollister: GOD DAMMIT, RIMMER! I wanted that! I mean... the lab boys wanted it... to test it...