- The Cat: I'm so gorgeous, that there's a six-month waiting list for birds to suddenly appear whenever I am near.
- Rimmer: Maybe you haven't noticed this, but we're gonna be spending the next two years in the Brig. Two years with the scum of the universe; hardened criminals; deranged droids. People so unbalanced and debauched they couldn't even get elected as President of the United States.
- First Ground Controller: This is Ground Control to Midget Three. You don't appear to have flight clearance. Please state your name and clearance code.
- The Cat: Ground Control, this is... uh...
- Lister: [whispers] Major Tom.
- The Cat: ...Major Tom.
- Rimmer: Thornton.
- MP Thornton: No-one's allowed in there, Rimmer. Beat it.
- Rimmer: Angus Thornton. Age 36. Middle name : Lionel. Inside leg measurement 29, neck size 16. Circumsised.
- MP Thornton: How d'you know all this?!
- Rimmer: Jazz fan. Good credit rating. Once admitted to hospital totally naked and attached to...
- [Rimmer leans towards Thornton and whispers...]
- Rimmer: ...the suction end of a vacuum cleaner.
- MP Thornton: This is slanderous. Filthy, stinking, slanderous slime that you just made up! Who told you?
- Rimmer: Want all the crew to know? Take a cigarette break. Five minutes.
- The Cat: You mean after all this I still haven't got a date? Damn. Another year when I have to send a Valentine card to my hand.
- [Rimmer quickly hides the tube that has the sexual magnetism virus in it]
- Captain Hollister: Where's the other one?
- Rimmer: I'm afraid I lost it, sir.
- Captain Hollister: GOD DAMMIT, RIMMER! I wanted that! I mean... the lab boys wanted it... to test it...