Quotes

Rimmer: Maybe you haven't noticed this, but we're gonna be spending the next two years in the Brig. Two years with the scum of the universe; hardened criminals; deranged droids. People so unbalanced and debauched they couldn't even get elected as President of the United States.

Rimmer: Thornton.

MP Thornton: No-one's allowed in there, Rimmer. Beat it.

Rimmer: Angus Thornton. Age 36. Middle name : Lionel. Inside leg measurement 29, neck size 16. Circumsised.

MP Thornton: How d'you know all this?!

Rimmer: Jazz fan. Good credit rating. Once admitted to hospital totally naked and attached to...

[Rimmer leans towards Thornton and whispers...]

Rimmer: ...the suction end of a vacuum cleaner.

MP Thornton: This is slanderous. Filthy, stinking, slanderous slime that you just made up! Who told you?

Rimmer: Want all the crew to know? Take a cigarette break. Five minutes.

Lister: Just do the smegging dance and we'll be out of here in a jiffy.

The Cat: Dance? With her, I'd have trouble walking. I'm powering up.

Lister: If I say who I thinks responsible for this it'll get cut too, but it's him, I know it's him, you can bet on it. And if I ever catch up with him, I'm gonna cut off both his

[jump cut]

Lister: blunt knife.

Holly: If I'm so stupid, if I'm computer-senile, explain this then.

The Cat: ...Explain what?

Holly: You can't, can you!

Rimmer: This is reality? But how can we be sure?

The Cat: Why do we care? Nothing makes any sense no matter where we are!