Rimmer: Maybe you haven't noticed this, but we're gonna be spending the next two years in the Brig. Two years with the scum of the universe; hardened criminals; deranged droids. People so unbalanced and debauched they couldn't even get elected as President of the United States.
The Cat: I'm so gorgeous, that there's a six-month waiting list for birds to suddenly appear whenever I am near.
MP Thornton: No-one's allowed in there, Rimmer. Beat it.
Rimmer: Angus Thornton. Age 36. Middle name : Lionel. Inside leg measurement 29, neck size 16. Circumsised.
MP Thornton: How d'you know all this?!
Rimmer: Jazz fan. Good credit rating. Once admitted to hospital totally naked and attached to...
[Rimmer leans towards Thornton and whispers...]
Rimmer: ...the suction end of a vacuum cleaner.
MP Thornton: This is slanderous. Filthy, stinking, slanderous slime that you just made up! Who told you?
Rimmer: Want all the crew to know? Take a cigarette break. Five minutes.
Kochanski: This is all your fault.
Rimmer: My fault?
Kochanski: You betrayed us over that confidential file scam.
Lister: ...stole the sexual magnetism virus.
Kryten: You lied to us.
Kochanski: And generally behaved like a self-serving, scum-sucking, ruthless little ratbag!
Rimmer: And that's bad?
Lister: Just do the smegging dance and we'll be out of here in a jiffy.
The Cat: Dance? With her, I'd have trouble walking. I'm powering up.
Rimmer: If only I hired a smarter lawyer, instead of the brain-dead, pompous, stupid-haired git I ended up with.
Lister: You defended yourself.
Rimmer: Yes, and I don't need reminding of that, thank you very much.
First Ground Controller: This is Ground Control to Midget Three. You don't appear to have flight clearance. Please state your name and clearance code.
The Cat: Ground Control, this is... uh...
Lister: [whispers] Major Tom.
The Cat: ...Major Tom.