Queer as Folk (TV Series)
Now Approaching... The Line (2000)
Hal Sparks: Michael Novotny
Photos
Quotes
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Dr. David Cameron : Can you lie down on your back?
Michael Novotny : Mmm... Sure. On my back. This is my favorite position. I'm just kidding.
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Michael Novotny : That's sexual harassment.
Brian Kinney : Yeah, remind me to press charges.
Michael Novotny : What does he look like?
Brian Kinney : Like the kind of guy, if he wagged his dick in front of you, you wouldn't look twice. But if he dangled his account in front of you, you might consider it.
Michael Novotny : You're kidding? You wouldn't actually do...? Would you?
Brian Kinney : Well, considering some of the other things I've done.
Michael Novotny : Yeah, but that was for fun. You've never done anything like this.
Brian Kinney : You're so beautifully naive, Mikey. It's business. You fuck or you get fucked.
Michael Novotny : Yeah, only which end are you on?
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Michael Novotny : [after David asks him out] How did you...?
Dr. David Cameron : Remember that little problem you had in my table?
Michael Novotny : Yeah, but you said that even happens to football players.
Dr. David Cameron : Only the gay ones.
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Emmett Honeycutt : [talking about David] ...It's every mother's dream.
Michael Novotny : Just be sure not to tell mine. I don't need her to know every time I go out.
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt : Every time you go out is once a year.
Michael Novotny : Thanks for keeping count.
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt : Accounting is my life.
Emmett Honeycutt : So, what's he like?
Michael Novotny : Old.
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt : What's old?
Michael Novotny : Older than you? Probably... forty?
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt : That is old.
Emmett Honeycutt : On the other hand, they don't come as quick, and they have lots of money. So where's he taking you?
Michael Novotny : Some place called Pappagano.
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt : I hope he's paying.
Michael Novotny : Is it expensive?
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt : A medium-priced entrée is more than your tax return.
Michael Novotny : Shit.
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Michael Novotny : [Brian opens the door, and finds Michael standing there. Michael enters the loft, and Brian's eyes focus on his outfit all the way in.] Oh shut up!
Brian Kinney : Who did this thing to you? Ah, let me guess. Emmett Bellarenta?
Michael Novotny : Should've just worn my jeans, but he said,
[imitating Emmett's tone]
Michael Novotny : "No, you can't go out in a date like that".
Brian Kinney : You've got a date?
Michael Novotny : Yeah.
Brian Kinney : A date?
[hugging Michael]
Brian Kinney : Mikey's got a date!
Michael Novotny : I'm gonna call and cancel.
Brian Kinney : The fuck you are!
Michael Novotny : Well, I can't go like this!
Brian Kinney : You're right.
[walks to get his shopping bag]
Brian Kinney : Here, try this.
Michael Novotny : [looking at the shirt Brian just threw at him] Are you sure?
Brian Kinney : I've got dozens of them.
Michael Novotny : It's weird going on a date.
Brian Kinney : Make sure he opens the car door for you and pulls your chair out.
Michael Novotny : That's what I mean. It's so... hetero. You ever been on a real date?
Brian Kinney : ... Once. I ended up fucking the waiter.
Michael Novotny : I don't know what to do or say.
Brian Kinney : Just be yourself.
Michael Novotny : That should make the evening fly by! Why can't we just... fast-forward to the sex?
Brian Kinney : The point of a date, so it's been explained to me by those who do that sort of thing, is that you actually get to know the other person before you fuck them.
Michael Novotny : What a dumb idea! What if you don't like them?
Brian Kinney : Worse yet: what if you do?
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Brian Kinney : [Brian and Michael are standing in front of the mirror, looking at the leather jacket on Michael's body.] So what do you think?
Michael Novotny : I think I look like you.
Brian Kinney : You look fantastic. You are fantastic.
[giving Michael a kiss]
Brian Kinney : Remember that, Mikey.
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Dr. David Cameron : Is that Hugo Boss?
Michael Novotny : [turning to see his back] Where?
Dr. David Cameron : [pointing at Michael] Your jacket.
Michael Novotny : Oh, umm, yeah.
[referring to the jacket]
Michael Novotny : It's not even mine. It belongs to my friend Brian.
Dr. David Cameron : I bet he doesn't look half as good in it as you.
Michael Novotny : He looks better.
Dr. David Cameron : I find that hard to believe.
Michael Novotny : He can look good in anything. He even looks good in nothing.
Dr. David Cameron : Good body?
Michael Novotny : Awesome. When he walks into Babylon, heads turn like police lights just to look at him.
Dr. David Cameron : Sounds like I could make a fortune doing neck adjustments.
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Michael Novotny : [referring to his date] It was a complete waste of time! Paid for dinner, he didn't even want to fuck.
Emmett Honeycutt : Maybe he has a prostate problem. Or only one testicle.
Michael Novotny : Or maybe he doesn't like me.
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Michael Novotny : Marley, are you free tonight?
Marley : Do you know how long I've been waiting for a man to ask me that?
Michael Novotny : I need somebody to stay late and help me with inventory.
Marley : Oh, sorry. I've got church choir practice.
Michael Novotny : That's a new excuse.
Marley : How many times can my great grandmother be on a death bed?
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Brian Kinney : If I don't get this account, I'll be fucked. And without lube.
Emmett Honeycutt : And that's a bad thing?
Deborah 'Debbie' Jane Grassi Novotny : It's amazing how you always work anal intercourse into the conversation.
Brian Kinney : Hey, you try spending an evening with some back-slapping breeder from out of town, smoking cigars, and talking about pussy.
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt : I'd love to hear what you have to say about pussy.
Brian Kinney : That is a good thing you got one, because you wouldn't know what to do with a dick.
Deborah 'Debbie' Jane Grassi Novotny : Move over. So you boys in the mood for something sweet, or are you gonna pick up a little something at Woody's?
[pinches Michael's cheeks]
Michael Novotny : Ma, stop pinching my cheeks.
Deborah 'Debbie' Jane Grassi Novotny : Oh, bend over so I can pinch the other ones.
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Emmett Honeycutt : [referring to himself, Brian, and Michael] Looks like it's ah... it's just us, the three musketeers.
Deborah 'Debbie' Jane Grassi Novotny : More like the Pointer Sisters.
Michael Novotny : I can't go either.
Brian Kinney : What's your excuse?
Michael Novotny : I have to go back to the store. We're restocking.
Emmett Honeycutt : Poor baby. Spend the entire evening alone in that dreary crap emporium?
Michael Novotny : Tracy will be there.
Brian Kinney : Your bride-to-be?
Michael Novotny : She's not my bride-to-be.
Brian Kinney : Then you can tell her who you really are.
Emmett Honeycutt : I agree. I always say,: "come clean, or don't come at all".
Michael Novotny : I can't. Where I work, they laugh at faggots.
Brian Kinney : And the only faggots worth laughing at are the ones who don't tell the truth. Don't be one of those assholes who hides, Mikey. And stop leading her on.
Michael Novotny : Who's leading her on? We're counting cartons of toilet paper.
Brian Kinney : Yeah, which you can use because you're so full of shit.
Emmett Honeycutt : Don't touch me.
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Michael Novotny : Okay, we've done toilet paper, paper towels, paper napkins, paper plates...
[looking for Tracy]
Michael Novotny : Tracy? Trace?
Tracy : I'm here.
Michael Novotny : Where?
Tracy : In feminine hygiene. I'm checking panty liners, light days and heavy days.
Michael Novotny : So how're we doing?
Tracy : We're heavy on light days and light on heavy days.
Michael Novotny : Gotcha. Let's move on.
Tracy : It's always work with you. Don't you ever have fun?
Michael Novotny : Yeah, I have fun. I have lots of fun.
Tracy : Really? Because you never want to go out with us after work.
Michael Novotny : I've gone out with you guys.
Tracy : Once. Marley says, no one knows what you're really like. That you probably lead this double life.
Michael Novotny : She's right. I'm not who I appear to be. But you have to promise not to tell anyone. The truth is, when I was a boy, I was exposed to a laser light show at a KISS concert. And after that, I developed a strange power to see into people's minds... To read their most private thoughts. "I'm going to rob a bank! I'm going to blow up a bridge!". Since then, I set out to prevent crimes before they happen and my real name... is 'Laserman'.
Tracy : So Laserman, what am I thinking?
Michael Novotny : Umm... We should probably get back to work.
[falls off the ladder]
Tracy : Mike?
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Michael Novotny : [moaning in agony] God, I am still stiff.
Tracy : Stiffer than last night?
Marley : Now, you two, let's keep it clean.
Michael Novotny : We're talking about my neck!
Marley : You must have been doing more than inventory.
Tracy : Shut up, Marley! Can't you see he's in pain?
Michael Novotny : This is the worst pain I've ever felt in my life.
Tracy : Did you take something?
Michael Novotny : Yeah, like, two bottles of Tylenol!
Tracy : That won't help. You need a chiropractor.
Michael Novotny : No. I'm okay, really.
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Dr. David Cameron : [referring to Tracy] She's cute.
Michael Novotny : Yeah. What a coincidence running into you here.
Dr. David Cameron : Well, that's not really coincidence. You told me where you worked, remember?
Michael Novotny : Oh, yeah, right. Well, that's really nice, coming all this way just to see how I am.
Dr. David Cameron : Nothing is more important than my patients' health and well-being. I also wanted to get a new screwdriver.
Michael Novotny : Oh. Well, let me show you where the hardware department. We have a complete line of tools, all at everyday low prices.
Dr. David Cameron : And I wanted to, ah... ask you if you'd like to have dinner with me.
Michael Novotny : Huh?
Dr. David Cameron : Dinner. You know, where you sit at the table and eat food from a plate?