Norm MacDonald: Norm Henderson

Quotes 

• Laurie Freeman : Did you really think you could hide this from me?

  Norm Henderson : Ah, yeah, kind of. I kind of did.

  [thinking Laurise had caught him reporting to the tabloid] 

  Laurie Freeman : Um huh, well you can't. 'cause you're really great with kids and now everybody knows it.

  Norm Henderson : Oh! Ha ha ha ha ha ha!

  [realizing he's not been caught] 

  Norm Henderson : Well, the way I look at it, you know, the way to treat kids is to treat them with respect. I think of them as tiny adults who are stupid.

• Norm Henderson : Listen, Laurie, Hector has something to tell you. Ah, Hector, tell, tell, tell Laurie about your mother.

  Hector : She's dead and I have cancer.

  [lying to Laurie] 

  Laurie Freeman : What?

  [shocked] 

  Norm Henderson : No, no, no, no, no - Hector, the truth.

  Hector : My mother's alive in Cuba; I just wanted to see America. I did not think it would be so bad to lie.

  Laurie Freeman : Hector, why would you do something like that?

  Norm Henderson : Ah, come on now, he just needed a little vacation, you know, from thee, ah... Godless communists. You know?

  Laurie Freeman : Well, I'm gonna have to call Mr. Denby right away. We have got to get you home.

  [leaving the kitchen] 

  Hector : Norm, why did you do this?

  Norm Henderson : Ah, listen, Hector, you know, ahhh, what I told you about lying, it wasn't right; kids should never lie, you know? You got to wait 'till you're an adult, so, so you can do it responsibly.

• Laurie Freeman : So, Hector, are there any questions you've wanted to ask anybody since you've been in the country?

  Hector : Well, there is one thing I've been wondering about...

  Laurie Freeman : Hummm, what's that?

  Hector : Where do babies come from?

  Laurie Freeman : Well, Hector, that's a very good question. Ummm, when a man and a woman love each other, they...

  Norm Henderson : BOOOOO!

  [towards Laurie] 

  Norm Henderson : You got to be able to talk to kids in their own laguage there, Laurie.

  [turns to face Hector after moving closer to him] 

  Norm Henderson : Ah, let me explain it to you this way, Hector: you see, ah, ah, a man has what's called a, ah, bunny rabbit. And, ah, a woman has a cabbage patch, now! In order to, ah, get a baby, thee bunny rabbit has to hop into thee cabbage patch. Now, sometimes, you know, through no fault of the bunny rabbit, maybe too much to drink, stress, whatever... who knows, you know, maybe thee, ah, maybe he's heard of a bigger bunny rabbit that was in the cabbage patch earlier, whatever it is. The point of it is this: often times the bunny rabbit has to look at explicit photographs before it can even go near the cabbage patch.

  Laurie Freeman : Nor, Norm! I've had sex and you've confused me!