- Dan Fielding: Who are you? Why're you doing this?
- Ernie Carter: You don't remember who I am, do you?
- Dan Fielding: Yes! Of course I do! Roger... Steve! Bob! Bill! Joe! Rudy!
- Ernie Carter: Forget it, Fielding. You're going to go back in that courtroom and continue about your work. If you tell anyone about this bomb, then I push this button and you turn into Bake-O Bits. Got it?
- Nostradamus 'Bull' Shannon: Well, I would be taking advantage of you. You're blind! You don't even know what I look like!
- Joy Buscaglia: My fingers tell me you're a cross between a Cro-Magnon man and a balloon at the Macy's parade.
- Joy Buscaglia: Think about this, buzzhead. I may be blind, but I have needs, I have desires. And if those construction workers can be believed I have a bodacious booty!
- Nostradamus 'Bull' Shannon: You're tops in my book.
- Joy Buscaglia: I don't want to be tops in your book. I want to be topless on your dining table!
- Ernie Carter: You know, Dan Fielding isn't his real name.
- Judge Harry T. Stone: I know. We met his parents. I think it used to be Elmore.
- Ernie Carter: Oh, not just his last name, but his first name too. It used to be Reinhold.
- Judge Harry T. Stone, Christine Sullivan, Mac Robinson, Nostradamus 'Bull' Shannon, Rosalind 'Roz' Russell: REINHOLD?
- Ernie Carter: Excuse me, Mr. Fielding?
- Dan Fielding: [distracted] Just a second, lad. I'll be with you in a moment.
- [Ernie handcuffs a briefcase to Dan's wrist]
- Dan Fielding: Hey, what the hell is this?
- Ernie Carter: It's a bomb... Dan.
- [he opens the briefcase, showing it's full of dynamite. Dan gasps]
- Ernie Carter: It's going off in 30 minutes.
- [Dan gasps again]
- Ernie Carter: [holds up a remote] Or sooner, if I push this little button.
- [Dan gasps twice]
- Dan Fielding: I got it! You're Everett Cunnings and I slept with three generations of your family.
- Ernie Carter: No, but I'd love to hear the story sometime.
- Judge Harry T. Stone: It happened 25 years ago?
- Christine Sullivan: Did it involve a person, place or thing?
- Mac Robinson: With Dan it usually involves all three.
- Joy Buscaglia: You know something, kiddo? You are really screwed up.
- Nostradamus 'Bull' Shannon: [Blindfolded] Oh, really? What makes you so sure of that?
- Joy Buscaglia: Because you're sitting in the ladies' room.
- Nostradamus 'Bull' Shannon: Oh. That would explain all the screaming when I walked in.
- Joy Buscaglia: Bull, I am a full-functioning, totally capable human being. I'm also a W-O-M-A-N.
- Nostradamus 'Bull' Shannon: A wombat?
- Christine Sullivan: Your Honor, I'm worried about Dan.
- Judge Harry T. Stone: [Not looking up from a bunch of paperwork on his desk] Well, just don't make eye-contact or show fear and he'll leave you alone.
- Christine Sullivan: Your Honor, I'm worried about Dan.
- Judge Harry T. Stone: Well,
- [not looking up for a bunch of paperwork]
- Judge Harry T. Stone: just dont make eye contact or show fear and he'll leave you alone.