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- [Niles is trying to get into the Professional Butler's Association]
- Niles: [about the association] I happen to come from a long line of butlers, each one a member, until my father, the butler to the Duke of Carlisle, accidentally knocked over a vase.
- Fran Fine: And for that they kicked him out?
- Niles: He was wrestling naked with the Duchess at the time.
- [Niles is trying to get into the Professional Butler's Association]
- Niles: [about the association] I happen to come from a long line of butlers, each one a member, until my father, the butler to the Duke of Carlisle, accidentally knocked over a vase.
- Fran Fine: And for that they kicked him out?
- Niles: He was wrestling naked with the Duchess at the time.
- Fran Fine: [Sylvia asks Fran to pretend to be married with Mr. Sheffield] Oh, forget it, Ma. I'm not doing this.
- Sylvia Fine: Fine. That's your choice. It's good to have choices. Not that I had a choice when I was in labor with you for ten hours with that big head.
- Fran Fine: Sorry. It won't happen again.
- Fran Fine: [to Grace about her imaginary friend's mock funeral] I see you went with the open casket. But, uh, wouldn't Imogene rest more comfortably without my expensive new boots in there?
- Grace Sheffield: No. She always wanted to be buried with her boots on.
- Fran Fine: But they're my boots!
- Niles: Lord and Taylor giveth and Lord and Taylor taketh away.
- Uncle Jack: [Fran pretends to be married with Mr. Sheffield] Fran, you don't think we'd go home before we met the lucky man.
- Fran Fine: You mean you wanna meet Mister Sheffield?
- Uncle Jack: You call your husband Mister Sheffield?
- Fran Fine: Oh, well, that's just a pet name. You know, Sheff, Sheffie.
- Sylvia Fine: Chef Boy-Ar-Dee...
- Fran Fine: [about Brighton being elected class president] President Sheffield. He's a man of vision and a leader amongst men.
- Brighton Sheffield: [Proudly] Thank you!
- Fran Fine: [Pointing Brighton's trousers] Now zip your fly.
- Fran Fine: [about her Uncle Jack] Jack was always trying to one up my mother. We bought a Skylark, he bought an Eldorado. We moved to Flushing. He moved to Florida. I'm telling you, she could never win... Oh, yeah, once. She grew a moustache before him.
- Maxwell Sheffield: [Entering in the living-room wearing yellow rubber boots] Alright children, time to go!
- Fran Fine: Wow wow! You're not goin' to the musuem in those boots, are you?
- Maxwell Sheffield: My wellies? Well, yes, there's a chance of rain.
- Fran Fine: There's a chance I might fall off this chair, but you don't see me wearin' a seat belt!
- Sylvia Fine: [Niles pretending to be Mr. Sheffield] Maxwell Sheffield, producer.
- Uncle Jack: Jack Norman, realtor.
- Sylvia Fine: How do you do?
- Marsha: I'm Marsha.
- Sylvia Fine: So nice to meet you.
- Marsha: Likewise.
- Sylvia Fine: [to Sylvia] And you are?
- Sylvia Fine: Your mother-in-law.
- Sylvia Fine: Oh right, of course. I was drunk at the wedding.
- Fran Fine: [about Maxwell's wellies] What happened? You're normally so G. Q. Now suddenly you're the Gordon's fisherman?
- Maxwell Sheffield: Miss Fine, I did not hire you as my fashion consultant, I hired you to take care of the children.
- Fran Fine: Well, it's my day off. I fashion consult on the side. Your son was just elected class president. Don't be an embarrassment to him on his first day. Who are you, Billy Carter?