- C.C. Babcock: [after saying she watched Lost in Space as a kid] Oh, but I'm dating myself.
- Niles: That's pathetic! Even you can do better than you!
- Niles: Happy Valentine's Day, sir. Did you decide what to get for Miss Fine?
- Maxwell Sheffield: Yes. Nothing.
- Niles: Oh, you can't get her the same thing you got me.
- Maxwell Sheffield: Niles, may I confess something to you?
- Niles: Well, I'm not a priest, sir, but I'm this close to living the life of one.
- Sylvia Fine: [to Yetta, regarding the man she loves] What were you thinking of? The man is a baby. He's 60 years old.
- Fran Fine: Sixty? Yetta, he's not even back in diapers yet.
- Officer: [on the radio, after Fran yelled that the hostages were ok after a gunshot was heard outside] That's one of the hostages, on the megaphone.
- Maxwell Sheffield: [gloating] That's no megaphone, that's my nanny!
- [regarding Yetta recently meeting a man and wanting to marry him]
- Sylvia Fine: The guy is up to no good. He looks at her and sees dollar signs.
- Fran Fine: What, Ma? He's making a deal with the Colombians to move her stash of digitalis? She's got no money.
- Sylvia Fine: She gets $200 a month from social security. What do you think he's after-her flat tuchas?
- Yetta Rosenberg: She's just jealous because so many men are attracted to me. Even my doctor says I got charisma.
- Fran Fine: That's "arrhythmia", Yetta.