My Family (TV Series)

The Last Supper (2001)

Robert Lindsay: Ben Harper

Photos 

Quotes 

• Scott Tailor : [after asking Ben if he could pay the cab for him]  Oh, and while you're at it, could you bring in my bags?

  Ben : Yeah.

  Scott Tailor : Thanks, "old chap".

  Ben : [in a Cockney accent]  Oh, not at all, guv'nor. Plinky, plonky, blimey guv'nor!

• [First lines - Susan is dressed as one of The Beatles] 

  Ben : Don't tell me - you've done something with your hair.

  Susan : I'm happy one of us is enjoying my humiliation!

  Ben : And I'm happy if you're happy.

  Susan : Well, I'm not! I can't believe they're making us wear these stupid costumes!

  Ben : I don't know. It's not so bad.

  Susan : Yesterday, I was a Beefeater.

  Ben : Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away...

  Susan : I'm serious, Ben! Ever since that American company took over, it's been miserable!

  Ben : Oh.

  Susan : They have me cramming in more tours, hawking cheap souvenirs and working longer hours.

  Ben : I know, it's like you've been working 'Eight Days A Week' and... it's... it's not fair.

  Susan : Don't do that again!

  Ben : No, I'll 'Let It... ' drop.

• Ben : Hi, Mikey!

  Michael Harper : I hate this house!

  Ben : Yeah, good talking to you too, son!

• Susan : I need you to clean the guest toilet.

  Ben : Why? Why clean the guest toilet? We only clean the guest toilet when we've got a gun... we've got a guest?

  Susan : Scott phoned from the airport. I invited him round for dinner.

  Ben : Ah, Susan. Look, does it have to be tonight? I mean, couldn't Scott come round for dinner another night... Scott? Who's Scott?

  Susan : You know Scott Tailor, my new boss?

  Ben : Oh, yeah. I know him as 'that cretinous toad'.

  Susan : He's in from America and he wants to dine in a typical English home with typical English food.

  Ben : Oh. What's he coming here for, then?

  Susan : Ben, much as I'd love to engage in witty repartee with you, I don't have the time and you don't have the wit.

• Susan : Nick!

  Nick Harper : [Tries to run from Susan, but fails]  Love to help, mum. But I've got this fake limp.

  Susan : Fake limp?

  Nick Harper : I'm sorry. I'm a really bad liar, so why waste our time?

  Susan : Get £20 from my purse and take Janey and Michael out for dinner.

  Nick Harper : £20? Do you think £20 will do it?

  Susan : Alright, £30.

  Nick Harper : Ah, only £30? Do I have to remind you of my fake disability?

  Susan : £40!

  Ben : [from the other room]  £50 if you leave now!

  Susan : Aaah! Another week's work done!

• Susan : Don't take Michael out to a pub.

  Nick Harper : Oh, come on, mum! I know better than to do something like that!

  Ben : What? The last time, you tried to pass him off as a midget!

• Scott Tailor : [Eats Susan's shepherd's pie]  Mmmm! That is delicious!

  Ben : Really?

  Susan : Some people appreciate fine cuisine!

  Scott Tailor : I haven't had a meal this tasty since the chicken supreme on easyJet!

  [Susan frowns and Ben smiles] 

• Susan : I was... I was... I was *this* close!

  Ben : Hmm? What, to losing your job?

  Susan : To winning him over. I've got him on the ropes.

  Ben : You've got him in our bed - with acid reflux, whatever that is.

  Susan : Come on. There is a bright side to all of this.

  Ben : Susan, he's wearing my bath robes, using my toothbrush, sleeping on my pillow. That is not a bright side. That is the fires of Hell!

• Ben : Coffee? Just to make you feel at home, Scott, yours has been stewed, reheated and served in a plastic cup!

  Scott Tailor : No, no, no! No coffee for me! I feel sick! Your wife has triggered my acid reflux!

  Ben : I know, I know. Isn't she marvellous?

• Susan : Meanwhile, the longer he stays here, the more time I have to convince him that his outlook on life is misguided and his attitudes to everything else is simply wrong!

  Ben : Susan... Susan, he's your boss, not your husband!

• [Susan and Ben are sleeping on the living room couch, while her overweight boss is sleeping in their bed upstairs] 

  Susan : Let's pretend that we're out camping. You and I. Alone with nature. Look, Ben! Look! All the stars are out! Isn't it romantic?

  Ben : Yeah... Look, you can see a crack in the ceiling - made by the weight of a man sleeping in my bed!

• Ben : Why am I always the one to wake the fat naked man?

• Ben : Erm... Susan, erm... Scott has, erm... moved on.

  Susan : Oh, don't be silly, Ben! He wouldn't have left without saying goodbye!

  Ben : Ah, er... he might!

  Susan : Why send a boy to do a man's job? Michael, go and wake him.

  Ben : No! I don't... I don't want anyone up there, OK?

  Susan : Ben, what's going on?

  Ben : He's, erm... H-h-h-he's... he's...

  Nick Harper : Superman!

  Ben : He's... he's... Oh, for God's sake - he's dead!

  Susan : WHAT?

  Nick Harper : OK, scratch Superman!

  Ben : Yeah!

  Susan : Oh, my God!

  Ben : I just... I didn't want to tell you in front of the kids.

  Michael Harper : There's a dead body, here?

  Janey Harper : That's so awful and sad.

  Susan : Where are you going?

  Janey Harper : [Excited]  Well, I have to tell my friends!

• [the police are in the house investigating Scott's death] 

  Susan : I know what he's writing. 'She did it'.

  Ben : What? What on earth are you talking about?

  Susan : Ben, don't you see? If I hadn't argued with him, he'd still be alive! Oh, I feel so guilty!

  Ben : You argue with me all the time - you don't feel guilty about that!

  Susan : You're not dead - yet!

• Inspector : We've just about finished here.

  Susan : I did it!

  Inspector : I beg your pardon?

  Ben : It's alright. You'll have to forgive my wife. She got a psychological disorder - she won't listen!

  Susan : We had a disagreement and then... and then I killed him.

  Ben : See?

  Inspector : Oh. Just what did you kill him with?

  Susan : The full force of my argument.

  Ben : A blunt instrument!

• Susan : Scott, welcome to London!

  Scott Tailor : Susan, thank you so much for inviting me to dinner! Oh, I brought a little... something!

  Susan : Oh, tiny little airline soaps! These will come in handy!

  Ben : Yeah, won't they, when we move to Lilliput!

• Ben : Hi, Scott! Heard great many things about you!

  Scott Tailor : All good, I hope!

  Ben : Yeah, well, I certainly enjoyed them!

• Susan : Here we are! My famous shepherd's pie!

  Scott Tailor : Ah! I could eat a horse!

  Ben : Well, this is your lucky day!

• Ben : Er, Michael? I thought your mother told you to stay downstairs.

  Michael Harper : But the body's upstairs. By the way, my preliminary investigation indicates cardiopulmonary attack. Estimated time of death between 2.25 and 3.45.

  Ben : Just let the officers do their job, OK?

  Inspector : Actually, he's spot on!

• Ben : Susan, you didn't do anything. He died of a heart attack.

  Susan : Which I gave him!

  Ben : Look, if you could argue someone to death, I'd have snuffed it years ago!

• Susan : You... You don't think he'd... come back, do you?

  Ben : What? So you can argue with him some more?

  Susan : He had unfinished business.

  Ben : No, you have unfinished business! Scott's fine! He's in heaven, dressing the angels as Beefeaters!

• Ben : [Laying out a new bed]  Janey, a little help?

  Janey Harper : I don't see why you get a new bed and I don't.

  Ben : Next time someone dies in your bed, we'll buy you a new one! Now come on, I want to get this mattress downstairs!

  Janey Harper : What's the magic word?

  Ben : I haven't got time for this! Please, look... Let's get rid of this one before the new mattress arrives!

  Janey Harper : Magic word?

  Ben : Please?

  Janey Harper : That's not it. Try again.

  Ben : There's about to be someone else dead on this mattress!

  Janey Harper : The magic word is 'money'!

  Ben : Yeah, right! Mikey, come on! Give us a hand! Come on!

  Michael Harper : She's got a point, dad. Surely, you don't want us to work without compensation?

  Ben : Very funny! Now, after three - ready?

  Janey Harper : This isn't a sweatshop, you know?

  Ben : One...

  Michael Harper : You wouldn't want to run foul of the child labour laws.

  Ben : Michael, I'm your father, not your boss!

  Michael Harper : That's really just semantics, isn't it?

  Ben : Look! Just pack it in, the pair of you! If you don't help now, I'm going to ground you for a month!

  Janey Harper : Yeah, right! We both know the last thing you want is us hanging around you for a month!

  Ben : Yeah... right! Hah! Just try me!

  [pause] 

  Ben : Fine! OK! £5 each?

  [Michael and Janey finally move the bed] 

• Susan : I thought I'd feel better after confession, but I don't.

  Ben : Maybe that's because you've nothing to confess.

  Susan : I'd argue that point, but I don't want to kill you.

• Ben : Susan, you want me to be supportive - and I am. So, here goes. You are a very small person in a very big universe. And in your wonderful but insignificant life, things just happen regardless of what you say, wish or do.

  Susan : When does the support part begin?

  Ben : That was it.

  Susan : I may be a very small person, but I have very big ideas.

  Ben : And a mouth to match!